Awakenings
by stitcher2ficcer
Summary: Amid sleepless nights and trying days, Goku comes of age and throws the relationships of the Sanzo-ikkou into chaos. 58, 93, and plenty of angst and h-c. Enjoy! [All three parts COMPLETE as of 3-19-04]
1. Part I: First Kiss: Goku

This story is dedicated to X-Parrot and G-nine, who inspired me to write it and encouraged me to post it here on ff.net. 

**Part I**

**First Kiss: Goku**

_Chapter 1_

**D**usk was approaching, and they were already tired from the long day's ride and a battle with a small but fierce band of youkai earlier that afternoon, when Goku's repeated complaint of hunger died on his lips, his nerves tensing in response to the smell of blood and sounds of fighting the others couldn't yet perceive.

"Where?" Hakkai demanded as they all fell silent, acutely attuned to Goku's heightened senses, adrenalin already thrusting them into readiness.

Goku's arm shot out between Hakkai and Sanzo, in Hakuryuu's front seat, pointing toward the narrow, rutted track that veered to the left a few hundred feet ahead. By the time they reached the wye in the road, the screams of frightened villagers and the growling rumble of their attackers were beginning to reach the other three's ears.

The jeep hadn't yet come to a full stop when Sanzo's first shot rang through the clearing, exploding a hefty youkai's chest before his claws managed to gouge his next victim's throat. By the time Sanzo jumped from his seat and took aim again, Goku had already called Nyoibou into action, and Gojyo was already sprinting past them, swinging the shakujou in an arc that caught one youkai in the head, his falling body tripping another. The dying creature's blood spurted through Hakkai's blast of ki, tingeing the bright white glow a deadly pink. A second blast of ki exploded close behind the first, taking out the last of four attackers that had descended on a small clutch of terrified children.

Hakkai paused only long enough to see a small, hardened old woman shepherd the children toward a nearby cottage, Sanzo at his back covering an onslaught of several more blood-deranged creatures. His arm swung hard, fist smashing into the face of the youkai diving for him from the side as he turned to cover Sanzo while the monk reloaded his pistol. He had barely had time to recharge before throwing two more flashes of ki at the clawing monsters, while two more were taken out by the shakujou's blade. The weapon's chain was a blur as Gojyo pulled it back in and swung again in the other direction, so rapidly that his arms ached in rebellion.

"Sanzo!" Goku yelled in warning, too far away to help the monk and with his hands full, alternately smashing first one end of his extended staff and then the other into youkai approaching him from opposite directions. But he saw Sanzo whip around in time, simultaneously firing his gun, blood spattering his already stained robes, Hakkai again covering his back.

His own attackers down, Goku sprinted into the nearest fray of villagers, who were slashing blades desperately at an onslaught of claws and fangs descending from all directions on the tight circle of their group. He took one of the youkai out from behind the creature's unsuspecting back, while his mind registered the flash of a well-aimed sword blade slashing through the neck of another going for his own jugular.

Too close to both sides of the battle to wield Nyoibou's extended length, he shortened the weapon, fatally clubbing another assailant as its claws raked into a dark-haired young man, who managed to twist and partially block the attack even as he fell. Fast as Goku was to turn his weapon on the next youkai diving in to finish off the youth, the expertly wielded sword beat him to it, slicing through the attacker's chest, Goku's own blow crowning a death already certain.

His pulse throbbing in his ears and the thrill of the fight surging through his body, Goku smashed through one youkai after another, the small group of villagers falling back, exhausted, to make way for him, his fists and weapon a blur of arcs and blows that seemed never to miss their marks. He paused only when he crushed the last of the youkai in his reach, drew in a deep breath before readying himself to confront two more bearing down on him a few feet ahead.

But Gojyo's blade screamed into their path, felling the one nearest. Then another shot from Sanzo's gun rang through the clearing, the bullet whizzing past Goku's head as it found its target a mere few feet away.

And then the fight was over, the remaining villagers and the four travelers bowing or collapsing with fatigue, their breathing ragged.

By the time Goku caught his breath, straightened, and turned to look for Sanzo, Hakkai had already begun making rounds among the surviving villagers to see what damage he could repair. His ki depleted, he could only afford to do the most necessary healing to prevent any further deaths from the worst of the wounds. He passed by an old man, too far gone for him to help, so he could instead mend the deep gouge in the thigh of the young woman who cradled the man's head in her lap. His lips smiled encouragement at her, while in his mind he castigated himself for daring to make the decision of who should be healed and who should be left to die.

Gojyo, by his side to do what he could to help, caught the fleeting look of uncertainty in Hakkai's eyes and read there the guilt his best friend felt. "You're doing your best," he murmured so only Hakkai could hear. But he knew from experience that nothing he did or said would lift that burden which Hakkai took upon himself. He was relieved to find that they had arrived in time to prevent all but one or two fatal injuries, so the healer would not need to make another such choice tonight.

After ascertaining that Sanzo was intact and apparently unhurt—he was leaning against the jeep smoking a cigarette, golden hair matted and falling over his face, but no rents in his robes or large bloodstains indicating wounds he was ignoring—Goku turned his attention to the village people with whom he'd fought side by side. He picked out the slight but strong redhead—hair longer and a shade darker than Gojyo's and gathered into a ponytail down his back—who had so deftly handled the sword that struck death blows to at least two youkai. He was surprised that one of the humans—particularly this smallish one—had had the strength and skill to manage it. 

"Here, Hakkai," he called when he saw that the redhead was leaning over the dark-haired young man who had fallen during the fight, attempting to staunch the flow of blood from the long gashes extending from his shoulder to his side. 

Hakkai knelt beside the wounded man, taking the redhead's place. As the soft green glow of healing ki from Hakkai's hands pulled torn muscle, sinew, and skin together enough to curb the blood loss, the pony-tailed man stood and turned to Goku to thank him.

And Goku's eyes rounded and his mouth dropped open as he realized that the wielder of the sword was not a man at all, but a smooth-muscled girl, probably no older than himself. He couldn't hide his surprise as his gaze met hers. But it wasn't until much later in the evening that he registered that her eyes were the same dark blood red as her hair, just as Gojyo's were, and it occurred to him that she, like his traveling companion, must be half youkai.

* * * 

In spite of his fatigue, Goku was wired enough that he couldn't contain himself when he and Sanzo retired to the room they had been given in the small hamlet. A close-knit family and a handful of neighbors occupied the small cluster of rough story-and-a-half cottages at the edge of the forest on the outskirts of the next town. Profusely grateful for the Sanzo-ikkou's timely arrival and their life-saving exertions, the able-bodied survivors had pooled their resources to offer the four a cold but tasty supper. Then they had insisted that they stay in their homes for the night, it being, by then, too late and too dark under the starless sky to continue to the inn. Even Sanzo had been too tired to argue, though he had scowled when Hakkai accepted the invitation when he failed to respond right away himself.

Knowing that Hakkai had overextended himself and needed care himself tonight, and not wanting to take that responsibility, Sanzo had voiced no complaint when Gojyo accompanied the healer to the room in the adjacent house rather than insisting he take the monkey with him. Now, trying to unwind with another cigarette while Goku chattered about the villagers, he was regretting that decision more and more each minute.

"Shut up, Bakazaru!" he growled through gritted teeth. "Go to sleep already, or take yourself out of my room."

"But, Sanzo, did you see her strike those youkai with her sword? Even if she's half youkai, I can't believe—"

In the dark he heard the click of Sanzo's gun being cocked and felt the cold metal tip of the barrel against his temple.

"If you don't… shut… up… now…" the monk intoned in the barely audible, level voice that signaled his hottest anger, "I **will** pull this trigger."

Goku had the good sense to lie down on the pallet beside the bed and pull the blanket over his head.

A long while later he tentatively ventured, "Sanzo, are you going to—"

"None of your business. Sleep yourself."

But a few minutes later the monk snuffed out his cigarette and climbed into bed.  

The pre-dawn sky was beginning to lighten when Goku awakened to Sanzo tossing fitfully in shallow sleep, his breathing labored.

"Sanzo?"

He hesitated, then laid his hand lightly on the older man's shoulder. "Sanzo?"

The blond's skin was clammy and feverish, but he opened his eyes and sat up abruptly, drawing his breath sharply as he bumped his head on the sloping roof rafters above the bed and simultaneously clutched his side. "Damn!" He twisted toward Goku, his movement marked by another sharp intake of breath.

"Sanzo, you're hurt. I'll get Hakkai." Goku was already scrambling out the door.

"No! I'm fine."

Goku wavered in the doorway, ever fearful of crossing Sanzo, but worry clouding his face. 

"I'm fine, damn it. Let Hakkai be." He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, intending to get a smoke and allay the monkey's fears. Instead, he dropped heavily back onto the bed, his hand again reflexively grasping his side.

Goku was in front of him in a second, gently prying Sanzo's fingers away and peeling his black leather undergarments up so he could peer at his side. Sanzo slapped his hands off and pushed him away forcefully, but not before he had caught sight of the large, dark bruise spreading across the monk's lower ribs and the firm muscles of his stomach.

This time the boy didn't hesitate, but was out the door before Sanzo could protest further.

When Hakkai came into the room a few minutes later, bleary-eyed but alert, Sanzo was standing stiffly by the window, cigarette in hand. "Go back to bed. I'm fine."

Hakkai's lips curled upward in a slight smile. "So Goku tells me," he said, his eyes darting to the boy hovering nervously in the background. "So that's why your face is ashen and you're sweating bullets even standing by an open window with a cool breeze, right?" His smile broadened, but his green eyes flashed daggers. He took the cigarette out of Sanzo's hand, crushed it on the window sill. "Lie down, Sanzo, please." Mild and polite as always, but his undertone brooked no argument.

Tight-lipped and angry, the stubborn monk complied. Bit his lip, paled, but resisted flinching as the cool, slender fingers explored his bruised ribs.

"Another one broken… I think the same as last time; probably never fully healed. But your lung seems fine." He turned. "Goku, go get the bandages in my pack please. And my bag of herbs."

As Goku slipped out, Hakkai turned back to his patient. "A re-break this soon can be dangerous, Sanzo." He didn't have to add, _You should have said something._

"You were exhausted."

"Mmm. And you were injured. It's easier when you're hurt badly enough to lose consciousness. As least then we know what we're dealing with."

He stopped talking and his brow furrowed slightly as he concentrated on the broken rib. His hand hovered over the bruise, contact so light Sanzo could barely feel it, but the healing warmth penetrated his skin, and the pain gradually diminished as the broken bone was partially knit.

Hakkai stopped sooner than he ordinarily would have, and the other man could see the tiredness slipping back into his face. "Bed rest," the healer ordered lightly. "At least two days, Sanzo."

"We can't afford that kind of delay."

"We can't afford to continue without that kind of rest. Two days. I mean it." And knowing that the monk would give in for his sake, if not for himself or either of the others, he added, "I need it, too."

When Goku returned, Hakkai sent him downstairs to get a cup of boiling water while he bandaged Sanzo's torso. Then he steeped a brew of painkilling herbs strong enough to make the monk sleep; gave Goku orders to keep watch until the stubborn man drank it all and dropped off; assured the boy  that their esteemed leader would be fine; and requested that Goku leave him alone, once he had fallen asleep, to let him get the rest he needed. Then he dragged himself off to try and catch an hour's more sleep himself.

* * * 

The sun was still low in the sky, but the day promised to be warm and bright when Goku left Sanzo's room to join the rising householders downstairs. The smell of breakfast cooking drew him toward the kitchen. But before he got there he was greeted by the red-haired girl—Yanane, he had learned last night. He tried to remember the name of her brother, the dark-haired young man who had been gouged by the youkai she had killed.

"Good morning, Goku. You were up early this morning. My grandmother said you were down here at dawn for water for tea for your friend."

"Tea and medicine, actually, " he responded. "Sanzo was hurt fighting yesterday, but we didn't find out 'til this morning."

The girl noted the brief worried scowl that crossed his face. "Is he okay?"

"Hakkai says he will be if he rests enough… But Sanzo's not very good about that."

"Mmm. My brother's like that, too. Tomaki. He's already arguing about getting up to help us clean up today… even though he can barely move his arm and he's obviously in a lot of pain."

The villagers had already prepared the bodies of their two dead relatives for burial the evening before. But the graves needed to be dug and the bodies of the youkai had to be disposed of.

"I can help," Goku volunteered readily. "Gojyo and Hakkai, too, probably. Gojyo anyway. I think Hakkai got pretty tired using up his ki." Then another thought crossed his mind, a worried look supplanting his encouraging smile. "That is, if it's okay if we stay… Sanzo—"

Yanane smiled. "Of course you can stay until your friend can travel. My family wouldn't want you to leave until he's well enough. None of us would probably even be alive if you all hadn't helped us yesterday."

Goku relaxed and returned her smile. "Looked to me like you were doing a pretty good job of it without our help."

"My father taught me well. And I do have somewhat of an advantage," she said softly, her fingertips lightly brushing her red hair. "But certainly not the speed and strength you have. Or the skill that you and Gojyo have with your weapons. Without those, and your healer's ki and your friend's gun… " Her voice faded. "There were too many this time."

She shook off the darkening mood before he could ask her about previous attacks. "Anyway, thank you."

Goku shrugged. "It's what we do," he stated simply. "Anyway, tell your brother he should stay in bed and I'll do his share of the work today… But now… umm…"

The smells from the kitchen turned Goku's mind to more immediate concerns; and as if to announce his thoughts, his stomach growled. He scuffed his foot and averted his eyes, embarrassed. "Umm… Sanzo usually buys breakfast when we stay at an inn. Hakkai cooks for us when we camp." Rarely having stayed in other peoples' homes during their journey, he wasn't sure how to proceed.

The young woman took his hand and drew him into the kitchen. "Come on. My grandmother has breakfast ready, and I'm sure she made plenty extra."

* * *

Hakkai was surprised to find Gojyo already dressed and gone when he awoke, and was disconcerted when he realized how late he had slept. "Why didn't you wake me, Hakuryuu?" he asked the small white dragon when he fluttered to his shoulder. Hakuryuu brushed his cheek with his small head. "I know. You thought I needed the sleep. Thank you." 

As he emerged from the small room behind the kitchen, he was greeted by two of the children he had seen yesterday. "Mama told us to make sure you ate some breakfast," the somber, dark-eyed girl told him.

"We warmed it up for you when we heard you waking up," her younger brother added proudly.

Hakkai smiled warmly, one of his "real" smiles, Gojyo would have observed. "Thank you," he said. "If you can keep it warm for just a few more minutes, I'd like to check on my friend Sanzo first. He got hurt yesterday and he was feeling pretty badly early this morning."

"Okay," they agreed. "But you'll come right back, won't you?" It was obvious they had been charged with making sure their guest was well treated, and they took their responsibility seriously.

"Right back," the dark-haired man assured them.

Walking next door with Hakuryuu draped around his neck, Hakkai found himself thinking about how little contact they'd had with children during their journey. Images of some of his favorite former students crept into his mind. His days as a teacher seemed so far away… and yet his chest still tightened at all the other memories that were raised by even this brief thought of his past. He shuddered slightly and forcibly shook the hollow feeling off, putting a smile on his face as he opened the door to greet Sanzo. 

The monk was sleeping soundly enough, however, that he barely stirred when Hakkai silently approached the bed. _Good, he thought. He brushed the blond locks back and lightly touched his forehead to check for fever. Satisfied at how much cooler Sanzo was and at the evenness of his breathing, he returned to the other house for his meal._

"So where are Gojyo and Goku?" he asked his caretakers while they served him. "The tall, red-haired man and the wiry young man with the gold crown." 

"They're helping with the digging," the boy told him.

"I don't think your friend with the red hair really wanted to," the girl confided. "But your other friend told him that he promised they would help and he kind of pestered him. He told him he couldn't break a promise."

Hakkai could guess at the grief Goku would get from Gojyo later for committing him to a promise of work without his agreement. He smiled again. "Well, we don't get too many days off, and I'll bet Gojyo would rather have slept late or gone into town today, since we can't travel until Sanzo is well. I think I'll go out and help, too, so it won't take so long. Will you show me where they're working?"

"You have to finish eating first, though," the youngsters insisted.

Hakkai obligingly took another bite.

*** TBC ***


	2. Part I: 2

**Part I**

_Chapter 2_

Hakkai found that much of the day's grim work was already finished by the time the children led him to the edge of the woods beyond the hamlet's small cemetery. Several men from the main town had joined those who lived here, and with Goku's and Gojyo's help as well, the digging of a mass grave for the dead youkai had already been completed and the bodies placed into it. Hakkai's companions were among those covering them with shovelfuls of dirt, perspiration glistening in the sun on their shirtless arms and backs.

Gojyo paused for a few minutes, lanky frame leaning on his shovel's handle, when he caught sight of Hakkai. "Hey, lazy bastard, nice of you to finally wake up and join us now the work's already done!"

"You're the one who didn't wake me," Hakkai responded evenly. Almost unconsciously his mind registered how lithe and sensual Gojyo looked even covered with sweat and grime.

Gojyo dropped to the ground, sat with his feet apart, arms resting on his drawn up knees. "Make yourself useful and get a smoke for me from my shirt, why don't you?" He nodded his head toward his shirt, thrown in the grass a few feet away.

"So I'm your servant now, " Hakkai observed as he handed the cigarette to Gojyo and leaned over to light it for him.

"Suits me," Gojyo grinned back at him.

Hakkai removed his own shirt, folded it neatly, and placed it beside Gojyo's, then picked up the shovel to continue his companion's chore. The little dragon drifted around him for a few minutes then curled up contentedly on his shirt, enjoying the early autumn sunshine.

Gojyo drew in a deep puff of smoke, held it in his lungs, exhaled slowly, his eyes studying his friend. "You sure you're not still too tired for this, Hakkai?" He didn't often see the brunette wiped enough not to be up and working hours before himself.

"I had enough sleep," Hakkai returned noncommittally.

"Hey! No fair! No getting someone to take over your job, you lazy cockroach!" Goku aimed a kick at Gojyo's butt, but the older man grabbed his extended foot and off-balanced him, cuffing him on the side of the head as he landed heavily on the ground.

"Ow!" He tried to punch Gojyo back, but the half-youkai, his reach longer, held him off.

"Serves you right, you damn monkey, for getting me into this dirty job to start with!"

Hakkai paused in his shoveling. "Guess **his** heart's in the right place, eh, Gojyo?"

"Ch-" Gojyo sneered. He hated it when Hakkai sided with the damned monkey. He took another long drag on his cigarette, this time blew the smoke into Goku's face.

* * *

When Hakkai returned in mid-afternoon, Sanzo was sitting on a bench in front of the small, rough house where they were staying, cigarette in hand, his tight lips and the angry tension in his shoulders apparent to Hakkai from across the clearing.  The monk stood and took a few strides toward the other man. "Where the hell have you been? We should have been on the road hours ago! Where are the bakazaru and the damned kappa?

"Good afternoon to you, too, Sanzo." The usual smile played at Hakkai's lips. His green eyes met Sanzo's violet ones directly. "I seem to recall telling you two days' rest."

Sanzo growled. "Collect the other two idiots. Too late to get to the next village, but we can at least get into town and stock up on supplies. Get rooms at the inn tonight and get an early start tomorrow."

"The supplies are already taken care of—or will be soon. Gojyo and Goku went into town a little while ago to the public baths with a few of the others. I gave them your gold card so they could get what we need."

Violet eyes flashed. "The baths?" But before Hakkai could explain, he continued. "Get our things together and we'll meet  them at the inn."

"No need, Sanzo. The villagers here have extended their hospitality for another two nights." He saw Sanzo bristle at the length of time, but continued calmly over his rising protests. "The burial ceremony for the two who died will be held at dusk, and they've asked us to join them in the funeral celebration this evening. Goku and Gojyo spent most of the day helping them bury the youkai and prepare the graves. It would be disrespectful for us to leave at this point. I know you won't want us to go now under those circumstances."

Hakkai's tone was matter-of-fact. He knew not to argue with Sanzo. Just state the facts plainly, with the expectation that he would recognize the expedient course of action and would capitulate without seeming to have backed down on his own demands.  It didn't always work, but Hakkai's manner certainly was more effective at getting his own way with Sanzo than Goku's whining or Gojyo's goading.

"They'd better be bringing more cigarettes," Sanzo grumbled, his unspoken consent implicit in his change of subject and more relaxed posture.

"I told them." Hakkai decided not to push his luck by insisting that the monk shouldn't be smoking. "Let's go in. I need to clean up." He also wanted to check on Sanzo's rib and give him another draught of something for pain. It wasn't lost on him that the man was still pale and had not come out looking for them when he had awakened, but had waited here. He was sure Sanzo was still hurting far more than he would admit.

* * * 

Willing or not to admit his pain, Sanzo used his discomfort and tiredness as the excuse to absent himself from the evening's services and feast. Bored with the tameness of the funeral party and the lack of tempting female companionship, Gojyo joined him for a while to play cards and nurse a couple of beers, but he left to seek Hakkai's company when the monk fell into a moody silence.

Scanning the various groups scattered around the common area defined by the semi-circle of small houses, Gojyo spotted Hakkai playing a game with four or five of the resident children. He had noticed earlier in the day that a boy and girl had been shadowing Hakkai since he'd come out to the gravesite, now and then bringing him a snack or a drink of water and asking him questions about their journey.

Gojyo lit up a cigarette and leaned against a rough column supporting the cottage's porch roof. He watched Hakkai take his turn, rolling marbles into a circle drawn in the dirt in the middle of the group. The kids squealed as Hakkai's marbles struck their targets, and he laughed with mock evil at the dark-haired girl opposite him, softly shouting "Gotcha!" as he captured her marbles.

The child looked determined as she took her own turn, aiming for a stray marble of Hakkai's near the edge of the circle. Her eyes met Hakkai's triumphantly as she took his marble and grinned, "Gotcha back!"

"Again!" moaned Hakkai, looking wounded. "You guys are too good for me! I give up."

"No, no! Play another round," they clamored.

The small, stern old woman who had gathered the children to safety during yesterday's fighting had appeared near the group. "It's getting late, children. Time for you to get to bed and let this poor man rest."

Hakkai, still kneeling with the kids, surveyed their disappointed faces. "If they promise to all go to bed without argument afterwards, " he began, meeting each pair of imploring eyes in turn and then turning to their grandmother, "might they play one more game with me?"

She smiled benevolently, consenting, and Hakkai immediately began to reset the game amid their gay cheers.

From his perch on the porch stairs, Gojyo observed that Hakkai was enjoying himself as much as the kids. He rarely saw his friend this relaxed and... contented was the word that came to mind. "Happy" would have been too strong, given the darkness ever present in Hakkai's eyes. But in four years of living and traveling with him, Gojyo had come to appreciate anything that could bring real warmth to the guarded, often empty smile that Hakkai nearly always kept on his face. He felt more contented and relaxed himself when he caught the warmth in the brunette's genuine smile now.

A short while later, Hakkai sent the children to their grandmother, and his face colored with surprise and pleasure when the two kids who had watched out for him all day tackled him with a double hug.

"I see you've made some friends," Gojyo remarked as Hakkai joined him on the porch steps, the ever-present dragon close behind him. Hakuryuu perched for a minute on Gojyo's outstretched hand, gave his palm a feathery flick of greeting with its tongue, then sought its usual place on Hakkai's shoulder.

"Mmm," answered Hakkai. "It's been a pleasant change to be in one place for a day, and with families instead of at an inn."

Gojyo nodded in Goku's direction. "Well Sanzo certainly wouldn't agree with you. But the monkey seems to be enjoying himself."

Hakkai had noticed earlier that Yanane had drawn Goku into a small group of young people alternately exchanging stories, singing to the accompaniment of a guitar played by one of their number, and playing a pantomime game. Now they watched Goku collapse into laughter with the others as Yanane and a friend from the village silently acted out a spat between two quarrelsome youngsters. 

It then being Yanane's turn to draw in a new partner, she sought their visitor. "Your turn, Goku." She took his hand and drew him aside, and Goku's eyes sparkled as she suggested a scenario for them to mime and they took their allotted minute to roughly plan their actions.

"Yanane has made a real effort this evening to include Goku and make him feel comfortable with the others. Half a dozen years in the monastery with Sanzo and another on the road with us certainly haven't given him much opportunity to interact with others his age, or even see how normal teenagers act," Hakkai reflected.

"Not that he's by any stretch of the imagination a normal teenager," Gojyo responded wryly. "Either way, I'm not getting the impression that Yanane thinks including Goku is much of an effort. Seems to me she's rather enjoying herself."

The two watched the small group a while longer, both noting how frequently the half-youkai girl glanced in Goku's direction and how, when their turn was ended, she took a new seat beside him in the circle of young adults. The space between him and one of her cousins was narrow enough that she had to wriggle close to him to fit there. Goku, attention on the next pair of mimes, slid aside to make more room and didn't seem to notice when, within a few minutes, she was again shoulder-to-shoulder and thigh-to-thigh with him, her head inclined slightly toward his. 

Gojyo shook his head. "What a waste. Pretty thing like her, and he's totally oblivious."

Hakkai chuckled. "Jealous that he's getting the attention of one of the only eligible women, Gojyo?"

"Nah, a little too thin for me. And still too young. I like 'em experienced enough to know how to please. But the baka's wasting a perfectly good opportunity."

"He's inexperienced in that, too. Unlike some people we know."

Gojyo elbowed Hakkai. "Enough already. I've been really good about that lately, in case you haven't noticed."

"Only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself, I'm sure," said Hakkai.

"Maybe," Gojyo responded, momentarily glancing directly into his friend's eyes. For a fleeting moment, it seemed as though he would continue. But just as quickly, his gaze returned to Goku and his group, his further thoughts unspoken.

The two dropped into companionable silence, each wondering how Goku might respond if he were less oblivious to the girl's attraction and a little more familiar with the usual course of human relations. They each found themselves looking at him a little differently, viewing him for the first time the way the girl might be seeing him: taller than he was when they'd started out, though neither of them had really noticed before; deeply tanned from all their time on the road in the open jeep; arms and shoulders still slender, but strong and muscular; golden eyes warm and bright, the depth of their color enhanced by the golden diadem in his hair; laughter and smiles emerging readily and without pretense. It took them by surprise that he seemed older, too—less the whiney monkey kid than Gojyo, at least, was ready to give him credit for.

As the group with Goku and his new friend dwindled, Hakkai yawned.

"Tired?" Gojyo asked. "Looks like things are breaking up here. Why don't you go to bed?"

"And you? Sanzo's likely to push us into leaving tomorrow. I told him two days rest, but I'm expecting to have to fight it out with him in the morning."

"I'm gonna grab myself another beer and a smoke. I'll be over soon.  I'm pretty tired myself after all the digging today."

They rose together. Hakkai thanked their hosts for the evening and they thanked him and Gojyo yet again for all their help. Then he went into the cottage where they were staying.

Gojyo had thought to join Goku, but as he approached he realized that the others had left, and Goku and the girl had fallen into what seemed a quiet, serious conversation. For the second time that night, he found himself taken aback by his youngest traveling companion. He resisted the impulse to tease the kid, wondering what would happen if left to his own devices. Instead he went to sit with his beer in the shadows of the porch outside the door Hakkai had entered. 

"That was fun," Goku remarked to Yanane after the others had either returned to town with their families or gone into their homes. 

"We often play it at celebrations when there's a large enough group of us," she told him.

"Gojyo plays cards and gambles a lot. And he and Sanzo and Hakkai play cards together sometimes, especially to pass time on rainy nights. But the only thing I usually play with them is Mahjong."

"Do you have a family at home?" she asked. "Brothers or sisters or cousins?"

Goku shook his head.

"What about Sanzo and Hakkai and Gojyo?" she prodded.

Goku paused, giving thought to their relationship, which he usually just took for granted. "Sanzo took me to live with him in the monastery when… when I was younger, " he finished awkwardly. "We met Gojyo and Hakkai later, a few years before the Three Aspects told Sanzo to go west with us… They're our best friends." Goku felt the truth of that as he found the words to say it. "Sanzo might not say that, though," he added.

"What about you and Sanzo? Are you friends? Or is he more like family to you?"

"Sanzo is… Sanzo," he said simply. But he continued to turn the question over in his mind. Were he and Sanzo friends? What made him feel like Hakkai and Gojyo were his best friends?—especially that stupid kappa Gojyo! Did he feel the same way about Sanzo that he did about them? Did Sanzo feel that way about him? He wondered whether Sanzo really felt that way about any of them. It left him feeling empty to think that even after all they'd been through together the last four years, Sanzo might rather be traveling alone—without even his company.

"Goku?" Yanane's voice pulled him from his reverie. He wasn't sure whether she had asked him another question.

"I should go up to see if Sanzo's feeling okay tonight." He began to get up from the blanket on which they had been sitting.

She gently tugged on his arm. "Stay a little longer?" she implored. "The stars are really pretty tonight."

Goku realized that most of the lanterns in the clearing had been put out, and the moon and stars and the soft glow of candles from a couple cottage windows were their only light. He lay back against one of the low log benches on which the group had been sitting earlier, his weight on his forearms, his head tilted back against the bench to look at the sky.

Yanane sat beside him, her legs curled under her, her elbow resting on the bench, and her head leaning on her hand, face tilted toward his. She looked into his eyes, her expression warm. "Why do you wear the crown?" she asked, tracing its outline with her finger.

"It's a limiter," he explained. "You wouldn't want to see me without it. I—"

He wasn't sure how much he wanted to or should tell her. But he found her very easy to talk to, and no one had ever seemed interested in knowing much about him before. "Without our limiters, Hakkai and I are full youkai," he told her. "We both get bigger and stronger… and a lot more dangerous. Especially me. I don't remember what happens when I go youkai, but it makes even Hakkai and Gojyo scared. I get… I can't control it when I'm youkai. Sanzo's the only one who can stop me, and he gets **really** mad at me, mad enough to kill me with that gun of his… If he couldn't stop me, I might kill all of them." 

She was silent for a moment, taken aback by his admission.  "Does it happen often?" she asked, wide-eyed.

He shook his head. "I've promised them I'll never take it off again." He paused, thoughtful again. "You're half youkai, like Gojyo, aren't you?"

She nodded.

"How come your brother and sister aren't… like you?"

"Tomaki's not really my brother, " she said. "He's actually my cousin. Our father—Tomaki's and Himiko's father—is really my uncle. My mother was his sister. She died when I was born, and my father went back to his youkai family. My aunt and uncle raised me with their family, and I've always thought of them as my mother and father. And they've always loved me and treated me like their real daughter… even when it meant they had to move out here away from town when I got older, because some people in town hated us because I'm a half breed."

"You shouldn't be living out here now, though, with the youkai attacking people." His eyes met hers, concern for all of them in his expression.

"Don't worry," she smiled. "Until the other day, there weren't many bothering us. And now you and your friends have taken care of those."

She leaned over and kissed his forehead lightly. "Thank you again," she whispered.

He scrambled to his feet, confused by her action. "You… you're welcome," he stammered, backing away a step or two until he tripped on the edge of the blanket. "I think I'd better go in to Sanzo now," he said. But he hesitated, unsure of himself, still feeling the brush of her lips against his brow.

"Sure," she responded, unperturbed. "I should go in now, too." She folded the blanket over her left arm and linked her right arm in his left.

As she walked to the house with him, Gojyo snickered to himself at the uncomfortable look on Goku's face.

***TBC***

Thanks to all of you who took time to review the first chapter. Since this is my first post to ff.net, it's great to know someone **is** out there reading **and** to get the positive feedback. If you continue to enjoy this, I hope you'll let others know it's here.


	3. Part I: 3

**Part I**

_Chapter 3_

Hakkai was surprised the next morning when Sanzo seemed more willing to stay another day in the village than he had anticipated. The monk appeared to be healing well, but dark circles under both his and Goku's eyes told the healer that neither had gotten much sleep the previous night.

"Yes, I am feeling stronger, and no, I did NOT get enough sleep," Sanzo declared impatiently when Hakkai inquired. "Not with that damned monkey in here tossing and turning all night and calling out in his dreams."

Sanzo didn't mention that he was more than a little concerned over just how badly disturbed his roommate's sleep had been, as well as why these nightmares were resurfacing now. It had taken over two years for Goku to stop dreaming nightly about the stone cave in which he had been chained and the utter isolation he had suffered for five hundred years before Sanzo had rescued him. Barely eleven years old and frozen in time for those centuries, he had clung to Sanzo all night long more than once during his first years in the monastery, constantly needing reassurance that the monk wouldn't take him back there or otherwise abandon him.

Those nightmares still occurred occasionally, but it had been a long time since they had come as strongly and repeatedly as they had last night. And last night Goku had not sought comfort in Sanzo's arms as he used to, but had fought him off and pushed him away during the dreams, and had pulled his blanket tightly around himself and insisted that he was okay when he had awakened between them.

Sanzo hoped that Goku had just become too overtired fighting and working the last day or two, and perhaps had drunk a little more than he was used to last night. He decided that Hakkai's advice to stay put for another day and night might do Goku as much good as himself and the healer. Even he had to admit that they had been pushing pretty hard the last few weeks, and the youkai attacks were becoming increasingly frequent and more violent the deeper they traveled into this part of the country. Hakkai was right that they couldn't afford not to be prepared.

Gojyo was on the ground playing marbles with Hakkai and his two young shadows when Goku and Sanzo came out after breakfast. As the two approached their little group, he called out, "You're looking kind of tired, monkey boy. Did your girlfriend keep you up last night?"

Sanzo's eyebrows arched at the remark as Goku lunged at his antagonist, color rising through his face into the roots of his brown hair as his fists struck Gojyo's shoulders and knocked him onto his back. "You stupid kappa! I don't have any girlfriend and it's none of your business even if I did! I'm not like you, running off spending the night with girls, you perverted cockroach!"

Hakkai and the kids backed out of the way of Gojyo's kicking feet and the two men's flailing arms. Gojyo rolled with the younger man's punches, getting in as many more jibes as he could between breaths. "Wouldn't know what to do with them if you did anyway, stupid monkey!" He dodged another swing. "Maybe you could use a few lessons from an expert." He was sitting on top of Goku now, pinning his arms to the ground, grinning at him.

Goku wrenched free, throwing Gojyo to one side, while he rolled back to his feet in the other direction. Gritting his teeth, his gold eyes glowing, he took a defensive stance as Gojyo gathered himself up to fight back. 

But before either could continue, Sanzo's harisen flew out of his hands and clipped Goku across the side of the head. "Enough!" His voice echoed, and the two children pressed closer to Hakkai.

"Don't worry," he comforted them. "Goku and Gojyo fight like this all the time. They're just teasing each other. They actually really care for each other a lot."

"Yeah, we gotta keep in shape," Gojyo said to the kids, looking somewhat sheepish. He immediately relaxed into a crouch at their level when he noticed that he and Goku had frightened them. "And Sanzo makes sure we don't get too far out of line. See. We're not hurt. Just dusty." He opened his arms and smiled, beckoning them to examine him.

"Yup. We're fine," Goku followed his lead, rubbing his ear where the fan had caught him. But he glared at Gojyo over the top of the kids' heads.

Hakkai suggested that Gojyo and Goku walk the short mile into town to explore for the day, and Gojyo agreed, pressing Hakkai to come as well.

"No, I promised the kids a walk by the stream this morning to hunt frogs, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to get some reading in this afternoon. But it looks like the two of you could use some activity. Besides, I want to make sure Sanzo doesn't overdo." He threw the white-robed man a benevolent smile, which was answered by a growl.

"Don't expect us back for dinner," Gojyo warned, hoping to find a card game to join in the evening.

"Don't be out late," Sanzo warned. "And you'd better not come in drunk. This little vacation ends tonight. I intend to be out of here by dawn tomorrow, whether you're hung over or not."

* * *

Gojyo and Goku bickered their way through a relaxing day, checking out the local shops and arguing over an assortment of local meat buns, noodles, and pastries along the way. Then Goku fell unusually quiet as they headed to the inn for dinner at dusk.

"Thinking of your girlfriend again?" Gojyo teased. Then "OW!" as Goku's elbow jabbed him hard in the side.

"I told you this morning to shut up, pervert!" A serious undertone in Goku's voice made Gojyo back off for the moment.

After a few minutes of silence, he raised the subject again. "You know, she's kind of pretty, monkey."

"She's NOT my girlfriend!"

"Maybe not. But she could be. She definitely likes you… though I can't imagine what she sees in a scrawny monkey king. You'd think she'd have sense enough to go for the tall, handsome one."  He indicated himself, bracing for the expected whack across the head; but he was not inclined to fight back when he got it. His words belied  the thoughts that had crossed his mind the night before as he had watched Yanane and Goku together. Looking sidelong at the boy now, he again took in the lanky, muscular limbs and the eyes bright with anger—and some confusion, too, he noticed—set  off by the deep tan and well-formed, though still smooth, planes of Goku's face. "Damned if he's not getting pretty hot," Gojyo thought.

"Seriously, Goku… " He surprised himself by using his companion's name instead of any of a series of variations on damned monkey. "Sanzo's not the only fish in the sea, and there are plenty out there who are an easier catch and a LOT more fun to be with. If she's interested, you oughtta give it a try. At least find out if you like it with a girl."

Goku wasn't certain exactly what Gojyo meant by "it," but his color deepened at Gojyo's casual but direct reference to Sanzo and at the thought of Yanane kissing him last night, even if it was only on his forehead. "But… " He stopped, realizing he had no idea what he wanted to say.

They were in the inn waiting for their meal to be served before he tried again. "Gojyo…'

"Yeah."

"Do you like all those girls you've been with?"

"I like 'em when I'm with 'em. Not in love and don't want to be tied down by any of them. But flirting is fun. And it's nice to have a warm body wrapped up with you now and then. And shit, you gotta get release somewhere, idiot! Beats doing yourself if you can't get it where you really want it… Or don't you have those feelings yet?"

Gojyo's unexpected candidness took Goku by surprise, and he was knocked into silence again, his face redder still, his eyes tracing the grain in the wood of the tabletop. 

"Damn, monkey boy, if you keep up this quiet act, I'm gonna report to Hakkai that you're really sick!… Lovesick!" He cuffed Goku in the shoulder, grinning.

"No, I'm not! Just hungry," Goku protested, his face breaking into a smile that was more natural to him. "Where's our food?"

"Your wish is my pleasure, Goku," their waitress said as she put a platter down in front of him and another in front of Gojyo. 

Goku's head jerked up at his name, and he caught sight of the strands of crimson hair spilling out of the girl's cap. "Yanane! What… I didn't… "

Gojyo had never seen Goku's face get red as many times as it had today. He stifled a laugh as the boy spluttered, and gently kicked him under the table to silence him before he embarrassed himself further.

Yanane smiled, barely glancing at Gojyo, eyes only for the younger man. "I work here a couple afternoons and evenings a week. I saw you come in, but I was with some other customers, so my partner took your order. But I told her you were friends and that I wanted to serve you."

"Thanks," said Goku, having had a minute to recover himself. 

"It looks great," put in Gojyo. "Any chance you'll be able to take a few minutes to join us?"

Goku flashed a warning glance at him, looking like he wanted to melt into the high-backed bench.

"No, I can't. It's our busy time. But if you can stick around, I get off in about an hour, and I'd appreciate having someone to walk home with."

Gojyo responded smoothly, "I was hoping to stick around town and find a card game tonight. But Goku doesn't gamble, and he wanted to get back earlier. I'm sure he'd be happy to walk back with you."

This time it was Goku who kicked Gojyo under the table, and harder than he had been kicked. 

Yanane informed Gojyo that there were always games going on in the back room nights. Then she turned to the younger man. "Thanks, Goku. It'll be great to have your company." She spotted a customer looking for her. "I've gotta go… is there anything else I can get you?"

"I think we're all set," said Gojyo. He smirked at Goku as she crossed the room. "Oh come on. You talked to her alone for an hour last night, and you didn't have any trouble. She'll make it really easy. Just talk. Not something you usually have a problem with. If something else happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. The worst that can happen is you'll be a little less naïve by tomorrow morning."

Somehow Gojyo didn't anticipate the consequences of Goku becoming a little less naïve.

* * *

As Gojyo had assured him, Goku did find it easy to talk with Yanane. She took him home the long way through town, past some of her favorite spots, pointing out homes of her friends and some of the relatives he had met the night before. She spoke easily and happily of her family, and he couldn't help but relax and laugh when she recounted some of her brother's exploits with his friends. Her questions encouraged him to tell her about some of his own adventures with the Sanzo-ikkou, and he found himself matching stories of her own and Tomaki's relationship with stories about himself and Sanzo in the monastery and himself and Gojyo butting heads over things during their travels—like who would get the one bed in a room or the last meat bun at dinner or the larger share of Jeep's back seat—but fighting side by side and covering for each other when it counted, or working together with Hakkai to set up and break down camp. 

"When you said last night that you didn't have any brothers and sisters, I felt sorry for you," Yanane remarked as they talked. "I have so much fun with my brother and sister that I can't imagine not having them in my life. But now I don't feel so bad, because it sounds like you and Gojyo are a lot like brothers, even though you didn't grow up together."

"I don't think so," said Goku. "We argue all the time. And he insults me and teases me every chance he gets."

"So do me and Tomaki. We're always teasing each other and trying to outdo each other. But we don't usually mean anything serious by it. And we have a lot of fun, and there's a lot of things we like to do together, too. And he's really protective of me—especially when he thinks I don't notice. And we both would die before we'd let something bad happen to the other one…  I'll bet deep down you feel that way about Gojyo and he feels that way about you, too, even though you fight a lot. You had fun hanging out with him today, didn't you? And you looked like you were having a good talk over dinner. I think you have a brother in spirit, even if he's not your real brother."

Goku was so stunned by the implications of this line of thought that he stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her, his mouth agape.

"What?" she asked.

He could hardly find words to respond. "I just… never thought about that before," he told her. His mind was racing. As when she had asked about their relationship last night, he realized that he took their day-to-day interactions for granted, without thinking about what they meant to each other. He spent so much time being mad at Gojyo that he didn't always remember all the things he liked about him. But all kinds of little things jumped into his memory now, and he realized that Hakkai had been right when he told the two children this morning that he and Gojyo really did care for each other.

When he felt lonely because Sanzo was mad at him or wanted to be alone, Gojyo's teasing and silliness were what most often brought him out of his slump. And when he had nearly killed them all going youkai in the desert, it was Gojyo who said it was okay and told him he had done the right thing, even though he had broken three of his ribs. And at dinner tonight, Gojyo wasn't just teasing him about Yanane; he was paying attention to his feelings and looking out for him and giving him advice… just like Tomaki did with Yanane.

One path back to the village followed a brook, parallel to and a few yards away from the road. Since the night was brightly lit by a nearly-full moon, they had walked along that rather than on the road itself. They were almost within sight of the first of the cottages in the clearing when the girl led him off the path, toward the brook. "Come here, I want to show you something." He couldn't remember when she had taken his hand, but when she pulled him along, he realized that she had been holding his hand for a while now.

The sound of water babbling over rocks was louder here, and when they reached the stream, there was a small fall of water dropping into a pool, not quite deep enough to swim, and so clear they could see the sand and rocks sparkling at the bottom even with just the light from the night sky. Several warm, smooth rocks large enough to sit or lie on were scattered around the pool. She pulled Goku toward one at the water's edge, and invited him to sit with her there.

"This is one of my favorite spots," she told him, her voice soft and secretive. "I could sit here listening to the water for hours." 

They sat together quietly for a long time, Goku lost in thought, Yanane close beside him with her arms circling her drawn up knees, her head resting on them, face turned toward Goku, studying him.

After a while, he laid flat on his back on the rock, looking up at the sky, one arm raised to cushion his head. "Hakkai knows all the constellations and all the stories about them," he mused allowed. "If he were here, he could point them out to us."

She didn't answer right away. "Goku," she said eventually, "do you think you'll really be leaving first thing in the morning?"

"For sure," he said. "This is about as long as we've stayed anywhere, except when one of us has been hurt really badly. Sanzo was already anxious to get back on the road yesterday."

"I wish you could stay longer," she told him. 

"Me, too," he replied. "It's nice here. And it's been a good break—" His brow furrowed as he recalled how their stay here had started. "I mean, it didn't start out very well… and I know it's been a bad time for your family…"

"It's okay," she said. "I know what you mean.

"Goku…" She leaned closer to him, eyes searching his. She had pulled her hair out of its ponytail, and it cascaded around her face, the ends brushing his face and neck, tantalizing, but not quite tickling. He breathed in its scent, smelling of her shampoo and the night air.

His breathing slowed and deepened, while every muscle in his body tensed, as though he were ready to run or fight, and yet at the same time frozen with anticipation of he knew not quite what. Yanane's hand was resting on his chest now, and he felt it rise and fall with his breath. Trusting her, and trusting what Gojyo had told him, his eyes stayed on hers, and she saw both his nervousness and his anticipation.

"I really like you a lot, Goku," she whispered. Then she lowered her face to his, and this time when she kissed him it wasn't lightly and it wasn't on his forehead. 

At first he lay so still his breathing seemed to stop. His entire being was caught in the feeling of her lips against his own and the momentary internal struggle raging, deep inside himself, between the panic of not knowing what to do next and the natural burning desire of his youth bursting through that panic. As her other hand lightly caressed his hair, and her lips parted slightly, her tongue tentatively tasting his lips, his mind gave in to the struggle, and his body took over, responding without need for thought.

One of his hands found her hair and pulled her head closer, while his lips first returned the pressure of hers, then parted slightly, his tongue returning her tentative taste of his mouth. She pulled back slightly, surprised, and he raised his head and shoulders to stay with her, his own mouth now the pursuer. She stretched out beside him and lay on her back as he rolled onto his side to face her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. Their lips had barely separated, and their first taste of each other begged for more. His fingers slid into the silkiness of her hair, fallen in a pool around her face, and now he was kissing her, his mouth hungry for more, his entire body flushed and tingling with newly awakened desires. 

They were both breathless when he finally pulled back to look at her, and she smiled into his golden eyes.

His mind kicked back in then, and the panic returned. He sat up stiffly beside her, flustered. "I'm sorry, Yanane. I mean… I don't—"

"Why sorry, Goku?" She sat up, then knelt in front of him, taking his hand in one of hers and reaching to touch his cheek with the other. "Relax." She kissed him again, barely brushing her lips against his, and he shivered at the light touch. Then she rested her forehead against his. "I would have been disappointed if you'd left tomorrow without kissing me good-bye… and somehow I don't think it would be quite the same with Sanzo and Hakkai and Gojyo looking on."

She chuckled, her breath warm against his cheek, and he couldn't help but laugh with her. She felt the tension leave his body, and his forehead leaned into hers for a moment. Then he sat beside her again, lost to another wave of thoughts and sensations that had been foreign to him only that morning.

"We'd better get back," she said a few minutes later. "My family will be getting worried about me by now. It's later than I usually come home, and with all the trouble with the youkai…"

He rose, the moonlight reflecting off his diadem, and this time his hand closed over hers when she slipped her fingers into his palm, rather than hers closing over his and pulling him along.

***End Part I***

Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed this story so far and/or referred someone to it. Thanks especially to Aki and bunni-wings for publicly recognizing that Yanane is **not **a Mary Sue and to Me-Nuriko for repeated praise and encouragement here and elsewhere.

If any of you are unhappy about Goku kissing a girl, stay tuned; I did say 39 in my summary… eventually. 

Gnine: "Cute?" Again? You DO abuse the poor word!

I look forward to having all of you here for Part II (which, I warn you, is MUCH longer than I).


	4. Part II: First Kiss: Gojyo

**Part II**

**First Kiss: Gojyo**

_Chapter 1_

**T**he jeep was carrying its four passengers into the hills on the far side of town before the sun rose behind them the next morning.

"I wish you had stayed put one more day, Sanzo. You're still walking stiffly and still pretty bruised."

"I gave you the two days you insisted on, Hakkai. Too damn much time off already. Besides, I'm not walking."

"The closer we get to Tenjiku, the more frequent the attacks are getting. And the fiercer. We don't know when we'll next have to take on Kougaiji and his gang directly, but that's inevitable. And you're in no shape to do it. We can't afford not to be in top form."

"We've got a job to do, and it's not going to get done if we keep taking pleasant little vacations every time one of us gets a bump on the head."

"Ah, but Sanzo," yawned Gojyo from the back, his long limbs sprawled across the seat, pushing Goku into a small corner on the other side. "Don't these little vacations renew your vigor? Get your limbs rested and aching for activity? If you gave us a break every day or two, think how much more we'd anticipate the pleasant little battles ahead. Feed us. Rest us. Get increased performance. Besides—" He flashed a grin at Goku. "It seems the monkey here is finally learning the knack of how to use his downtime to best advantage. But I think he could use a little more practice."

Goku seethed up from his corner, fists crashing into the man opposite him. "Shut up, you stinking kappa! And get your damn legs out of my way!" He jabbed a knee into the redhead's nearest thigh and kicked at his boots.

Gojyo moved his legs marginally toward his own side and stuck his tongue out at the younger man. Goku swatted him with one of Sanzo's old newspapers.

Before either of them could go further, Sanzo was reaching back, beating them with his fan. "Both of you shut up! It's too early for this."

Goku slapped the fan away and flounced back into his seat, sulking. Gojyo chuckled, blowing cigarette smoke his way, but got bored with the game when Goku refused to take the bait. He sprawled his legs out again as he slid down in the seat so he could rest his head on the seat back, crossed his arms over his chest, and closed his eyes to grab a little of the sleep he'd missed by coming in late and getting dragged out of bed before dawn.

"Can we make the next town before dark, do you think?" Sanzo asked Hakkai. 

"Depends," said Hakkai, "on how good the roads are, how often we stop, whether we get delayed… It's far. But Hakuryuu's well rested."

Goku, already getting hungry, rummaged through the large package of food and treats Yanane and her grandmother had packed for them. Slowly chewing on a strip of dried beef, he found himself recalling the starlight reflecting in the girl's eyes as she lay on the river rock last night, her red hair falling around her face. After she had given him the package of food this morning, she had kissed her fingertips and placed them on his lips—just for a second. But her brief touch brought back the strong sensations of her mouth locked with his in last night's kiss, the overwhelming desire that his body had felt, and the hardness between his thighs that had stayed with him long after the kiss and their walk had ended. 

He had had none of the dreams of the preceding night. But he had hardly slept, and he still hadn't sorted out his feelings about what had happened. Drowsing now in the quiet of the early morning, he found himself watching the breeze and sunlight play in Sanzo's hair. He recalled the feel of Yanane's hair slipping between his fingers… wondered whether Sanzo's hair would feel as silky. He felt an almost uncontrollable urge to reach up and touch it, but knew that Sanzo's fan would come down on him in a second for such an invasion of his personal space. And why? Why was he even thinking such a thing?

His gaze wandered to Gojyo and Hakkai, and he realized that the redhead was not asleep, but was studying the other man. He wondered whether Gojyo ever imagined how it might feel to slide his hands through Hakkai's hair. Wondered whether he already did sometimes. He knew Gojyo cared more for Hakkai than for anyone—no one with a brain could miss that. But was that just because they were best friends? Or because Gojyo had saved Hakkai's life?. . .  Or was there something else, too? Did Gojyo feel about Hakkai the way Yanane had shown she felt about him?

The two men had lived together for three years, and neither were close friends with any women that he knew of. But then, Hakkai had never really gotten over Kanan. And Gojyo had had a lot of women. Another thought winked in and out at the edge of Goku's slumbering mind. He jerked wider awake when he latched onto it. What had Gojyo said while they were talking over dinner at the inn yesterday? Something like,  _"Shit, you gotta get release somewhere, idiot! Beats doing yourself if you can't get it where you really want…"_

He looked at his red-haired "brother" more intently. Could that have been what he meant? Did he go with women because what he really wanted was to be with Hakkai, but Hakkai refused him? Goku closed his eyes, brow furrowed. All of this was too confusing. He wasn't sure why, but somehow he felt suddenly sympathetic toward Gojyo. He thought again of Yanane's remark that Gojyo was his brother in spirit. And somehow it didn't bother him quite so much that the half-youkai was, as usual, taking up three quarters of the back seat.

* * *

"What the hell—"

Goku and Gojyo were jarred from their half-sleep by Sanzo's expletive and Hakuryuu's sudden stop. Gojyo squinted at the sun filtering through the trees, nearly at its zenith. Noon, then. He yawned and stretched. "What gives?" he asked no one in particular.

"Looks like we'll be doing a bit of walking," their driver responded. He and Sanzo were already getting out of the jeep.

Gojyo stood and stepped over the side of the car without opening the door, his eyes following the other two men. Ahead of them, the road was blocked by fallen trees as far as they could see. "Storm damage?" he asked as he joined the others. 

"Pretty selective storm," quipped Hakkai.

"Yes," added Sanzo. "Very careful to take down only trees that would block the road, and mostly large ones not easily removed." 

"A trap then? Meant for us?"

Sanzo shrugged. "Seems likely. Or perhaps just a nuisance to delay us."

"I think we'd better assume the worst and be on our guard," Hakkai suggested. 

"Can we backtrack? Or take a different route?" asked Gojyo.

"Not without losing the entire morning's progress. I checked the map last night. There are only two main routes from the last town to the next one, and only one or two connecting roads. We passed one hours ago. Another should be coming up, but I'm not sure when. We haven't passed many landmarks by which I could gauge our whereabouts."

"If we have to walk," Goku complained, "can we eat lunch first? I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry, baka! You've probably eaten half our lunch already!" Gojyo chided. "I saw you pulling meat and buns out of that package every time you thought we were sleeping."

"Did not!"

"Did so."

"Did not!… well, once or twice, maybe," he admitted. "I'm still hungry."

"So shut up and get the lunch box, already, bakazaru. And bring a couple beers." Sanzo took a seat on the nearest felled tree and lit a smoke as an appetizer. 

Goku bounced back from the jeep with lunch and a blanket, and he and Hakkai spread the small feast. "I love picnics," he declared cheerily. "Hey, gimme that, you greedy kappa!" He made a grab for the second of two meat pies to which Gojyo had helped himself, Sanzo and Hakkai already having split the other one between themselves.

"You ate half the dried meat this morning. This is mine, " asserted the redhead.

"I did not! And it is not! Share it at least, damn it!" He reached to take it off the other's plate, only to have it whisked out of reach.

Sanzo, closest to Gojyo, took the meat pie with one hand and clapped his harisen onto Goku's head with the other.  "Stop interrupting my meal with your damned fighting or the meat pie's mine."

"Stop hitting me with your stupid fan for no good reason, Sanzo!" protested Goku. "I was only trying to make him share. Why am I always the one you hit?"

"Hits me often enough," muttered Gojyo.

"Not half the times he does me." Goku glared at the blond. "I'm really getting sick of you doing that, Sanzo!"

"Whoa," exclaimed Gojyo. "The monkey stands up to the monk! This should be interesting."

"Shut up or die, kappa." Sanzo leveled his  pistol at the man beside him.

Goku took the opportunity to retrieve the meat pie from Sanzo's plate. He broke it in half and handed one piece to Gojyo. "Here, Oniisan," he said with a conspiratorial wink. "Mmm. Thanks, Sanzo," he grinned, swallowing a mouthful of his own half.

Sanzo's fan came down on him again. "Bakazaru. Stop being so fucking cheerful."

The younger man grimaced. "Ow! Stop hitting me just for being cheerful. You're so crabby, Sanzo."

Hakkai silently continued his meal, a faintly amused smile curving his lips as he observed the exchange among the others.

* * * 

The four men were still on foot several miles and two hours later, Goku alternately running ahead of the others, then falling back to report on the continued clutter of trees blocking their path over the next rise, and the next. 

"The object appears to have been to detain us, then, rather than trap us for an attack… assuming, of course, this road blockage was meant for us at all… Sanzo—" Hakkai paused mid-sentence when he realized that the monk had dropped far enough behind that he was unlikely to hear easily. "Goku, Gojyo," he called ahead, shifting gears quickly, "I'm getting tired. I think a rest stop is in order."

To Goku's and Gojyo's expected taunts about his frailty, he replied by discreetly gesturing toward Sanzo. A shadow crossed Goku's face when he realized how pale the other man was and how much he had slowed down.

Gojyo smoothly followed Hakkai's lead in making an excuse for a break. "Well, Hakkai, if you're getting too winded to keep up with our energetic stride, I guess we'll just have to stop for you to catch your breath."

Sanzo approached them scowling. "Dawdling is **not** going to get us to the next town any time soon," he complained. But that was the only resistance he raised to the stop before dropping to the ground and resting against the fallen tree on which Hakkai had taken a seat.

Goku sat down cross-legged beside him, pulling the food bundle out of his pack. "Want a snack, Sanzo?"

"A drink," replied the monk. Goku passed him the canteen of water.

Hakkai eventually ventured to ask, "How's the side, Sanzo?" 

The monk reflexively removed his hand from his sore rib, where he had unconsciously placed it. "Fine," he lied, as Hakkai had been certain he would.

"Must be a little sore, with the walking and climbing over tree trunks."

"A little, maybe."

Hakkai had drawn a flask from his pack. "Here, this might help," he suggested, handing it to Sanzo. 

Sanzo tasted, realized it was the whiskey Hakkai kept for medicinal use when there wasn't time to brew an herbal remedy, then downed several gulps more. He handed the flask back without comment.

Hakkai knew then how much the monk's cracked rib was bothering him; Sanzo was wary enough of an attack that he wouldn't have wanted to dull his senses with the liquor if he hadn't been hurting enough to take the risk. Hakkai exchanged a pointed glance with Gojyo, who had come to the same realization. This was not good; they really needed to put the jeep back on the road before Sanzo collapsed.

"Well if you lazy bastards are rested enough… " Sanzo rose a scant twenty minutes later, the first to start walking again, the others having tacitly agreed not to push until he indicated he was ready.

Before Sanzo had a chance to shoulder his backpack, Goku grabbed it and threw it over his shoulder with his own. "What?" he asked in response to the monk's growl. "I'm not the one who needed a rest. I slept half the morning. I need a workout, and without our lunch my pack's too light to give me any exercise."

"Baka," Sanzo responded to the transparent pretext for Goku's assistance. But he didn't argue. He could move marginally faster without the load; and he knew they were already slowing their pace to match his.

Their progress was slowed further when the road narrowed to a rough trail and became steeper as it traversed a series of ravines, thickly shadowed in the late afternoon light and dimmed by the ever denser forest.

Goku dropped a few paces behind Sanzo so he could keep a more careful watch on him and adjust his pace to the monk's. He would have felt tired himself by now if his senses weren't acutely attuned to their surroundings, listening for any suspect sounds. He couldn't believe Sanzo was still standing.

It was the sudden absence of sound, however—birdsong stifled after a mad flutter of wings and the screech of a frightened squirrel—that alerted him and his companions to the impending attack. They barely had time to draw their weapons before nearly four dozen youkai dropped on them from the trees overhanging the narrow ravine.

Goku took two of them out with Nyoibou before they hit the ground, and Sanzo blasted a third with his pistol as it dropped on top of him. The monk grunted and cursed as he fell, rolled, then smashed the gun into the face of another as he regained his feet. Six more menacing creatures were closing in on him, and he could feel the breath of another pair at his back.

"Sanzo! Behind you!" Goku battered his way through four more youkai, trying to close the distance between himself and the monk, claws tearing at his face and chest, clubs raining blows on his head and shoulders. But as each one fell to his staff, another two came in its place. Nyoibou's jointed segments blurred as Goku hurled them into the faces and chests of the next pair; but before he could deliver killing blows to any others, a powerful creature double his size leaped onto him from above, clinging to his back. Long, sinuous arms locked around him in a crushing hug, pinning his arms to his sides. 

Three more shots echoed in rapid succession from Sanzo's gun, felling an equal number of his attackers. But the other five were on him before he could get off a fifth shot, dragging him away from his companion as they clawed him from all sides.

Goku roared with frustration as the distance between himself and the monk widened. He cursed himself for allowing their attackers to gain a strategic advantage at the outset by dividing him from Sanzo. 

From their slightly higher position some thirty feet further up the trail, Gojyo and Hakkai registered Goku's and Sanzo's plight even as they fought their way through the other half of the youkai band, which had come down between themselves and their comrades.

The shakujou's blade had already ripped through the chests or necks of four of the assassins, and Gojyo's arms and shoulders strained as he yanked in the chain and spun around to thrust the blade at another pair descending on Hakkai's back.

The green glow of ki expanded into double bursts of white fire as Hakkai released blasts from both hands, exploding the chests of two attackers. He had only seconds to let fly two more blasts as four more youkai plowed toward him, two falling to the bursts of fatal energy. With no time to recharge before the next pair hurtled into him, he wrenched hard away from one, his shoulder and fist smashing into the stomach and groin of the other. His momentum carried him over the fallen youkai, and he hit the ground rolling onto his back, his legs pulled in, ready to jam his feet into the head of the first as it recovered and sprang toward him. 

Gojyo was close behind, smashing their chests with the wedge end of the shakujou staff as Hakkai dropped them. His arms seemed almost to blur with the speed and fluidity of his movement as he shifted the staff and released the chain and blade yet again toward two more demons, slicing their heavy scythes from their hands as they raised them to strike his partner.

"Down, Gojyo!!" shouted Hakkai, and even as his blade cut into the oncoming monsters, the half-youkai dropped and rolled at his partner's command. Two blasts of ki blazed over him into two more attackers that had dropped behind him from above. But as he rolled back to his feet, he lost sight of Hakkai, buried now under another half dozen youkai. Before he could react, his blood was chilled by Sanzo's tormented cry from the other end of the ravine.

***TBC***

I'm glad so many of you continue to enjoy this story. I appreciate all the reviews. Maaya, Umi-chan, Mirai aria, Naye, and Aki, thanks for your long, thoughtful comments.

Fogwolf, you asked if the Goku/Sanzo relationship might be going more in the direction of 93 than 39… for you and others who strongly care about which order the numbers are expressed, yes, you might consider 93 a more accurate representation. Without a / or x or * between them, I interpret the numeral order loosely… and personally, I like both pairs either way, so you may see a bit of both along the way.


	5. Part II: 2

**Part II**

_Chapter 2_

Sanzo's scream as one of his five attackers raked sharp claws through his back while another's club smashed from the side into his chest momentarily paralyzed Goku in a stranglehold of fear. But that single agonized second served to charge his reserves, and he growled almost inhumanly as adrenalin surged through his limbs. Throwing off the hefty youkai on his back, he flung Nyoibou fiercely into the bodies of his other attackers, smashing all of them in seconds.

A similar roar from the pile of youkai on top of Hakkai, followed by their bodies erupting into a blood-drenched torrent of torn limbs, told Gojyo that Hakkai had managed to raise a barrier of energy between himself and his foes before he was crushed. He then expanded the force into a bomb-like explosion to free himself. Gojyo was by his side as he emerged from the tangle and flew toward Goku and Sanzo.

By the time Goku eliminated his own assailants, Hakkai and Gojyo had each slain one of the youkai attacking Sanzo and were tearing two more off of him, pounding them into the ground as the last one fled from the ravine.

Goku knelt to lift Sanzo, but the monk raised his hand to stop him. "The sutra," he rasped. When his eyes flickered to Sanzo's shoulders, Goku realized the stole had been taken.

"Nyoibou!" he called the staff back into action. Bracing his legs to control the increased length, he extended the weapon across the distance to the running youkai and plunged it into his back. The demon fell with a scream of pain, then Goku paused, torn between running to get the sutra and staying with Sanzo.

"Stay. I'll get it," said Gojyo, placing his hand on Goku's shoulder and pushing him back toward the monk.

Goku released breath he didn't know he was holding, then dropped to his knees beside Sanzo and lifted his shoulders and head into his lap. "Sanzo—"

"The sutra," Sanzo insisted, eyes glazed and voice barely a whisper.

"Here," said Gojyo, holding it in front of him. Goku took it with his free hand and placed it in Sanzo's hand. Sanzo's fingers closed on it as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Hakkai was on his knees near them, head bowed, weight resting on his outstretched hands, chest heaving as he drew in gasps of air. He winced and pulled away as Gojyo squatted beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. His green shirt was torn, warm and slick with blood where Gojyo touched him.

"Hakkai?"

The brunette straightened and shrugged the other's hand off, waving him away. "I'm fine. Just out of breath." He moved to Sanzo's side and met Goku's anxious stare. 

"He's losing a lot of blood, Hakkai." The boy had already removed Sanzo's broken bamboo breastplate and was stripping off his tattered robe. Together they turned him onto his left side so Hakkai could see his back and right side, from which blood was flowing profusely.

"Hakuryuu," the healer addressed the small dragon hovering above him, "Is there room enough here for you to change and give us some light?"

The space in the narrow ravine was tight, but the dragon responded by altering to his jeep form, aiming his headlights at the bloodied group in front of him. Hakkai winced again, and Gojyo sucked in his breath and turned away when the deep gouge the full length of Sanzo's back was illuminated, a strip of his flesh tattered between other clawed cuts. Goku gritted his teeth and momentarily squeezed his eyes shut, his hands reflexively holding Sanzo tighter. 

Hakkai closed his eyes for a moment and breathed deeply to focus his mind on the task of exploring Sanzo's injuries. Reaching into the bleeding muscle and tissue at the back of the monk's slender waist, he used feel as well as sight to find a rent in the wall of his kidney. Using the fingers of one hand to pull and massage the tissue into place, he cupped his other hand over the wound. His expression was distant and body tensed in concentration as he directed the flow of healing ki from his hand into the tissue, closing the hole and stemming the stream of blood.

With the most threatening damage repaired, he sat back on his haunches, dragging the back of his hand across his forehead. He vaguely registered Gojyo's hand gently squeezing his uninjured shoulder, and drew strength from it as he leaned over again to continue his examination.

"This has to be cleaned before I can close it," the healer told the other two as he explored the slashes in Sanzo's upper back and shoulder. "He seems to have torn mostly skin and muscle, no vital organs besides the kidney… but one of these gashes is through to bone, and there are shreds of leather and linen in it. I don't dare close it this way." He didn't tell them that he felt too depleted to continue the healing anyway, without time to recharge. "We need to find a place where we can make him more comfortable. And we're going to need a supply of water."

"I've been hearing a stream—parallel to us, I think—not far off the trail," said Gojyo. "I think we'll have to get to the end of the ravine to access it."

Goku nodded his head in confirmation, his keen senses picking up the sound and scent of the nearby water. "It should be within a few hundred feet." Hakuryuu flashed his headlamps to indicate agreement.

"I'll need my backpack." Hakkai cast his eyes around in search of it as he pushed himself to stand.

Gojyo's hand was at his elbow to steady him as he swayed, lightheaded and struggling to keep his balance. "I'll collect our packs," he told the healer. "Goku, can you manage Sanzo, or do you want me to carry him?"

"I can manage," said Goku.

* * * 

Dusk had deepened into darkness, and the full moon was just rising to light their way when the battered travelers reached the far side of the ravine, Goku carrying the unconscious monk. He laid Sanzo down on a thick bed of pine needles in a glade of evergreens near the stream, doing his best not to jostle him as he spread one of their blankets under him.

Gojyo and Hakkai were close behind, the taller man hovering near enough to his friend to support him if he dizzied again. Hakuryuu flapped nervously over them, now and then mewing encouragement.

Hakkai sat down heavily beside Sanzo, feet apart and knees raised to brace his arms. He dropped his head to his hands and rested for a few moments, clearing his mind for the task ahead.

"Here." Gojyo pushed his canteen into his hands.

He accepted it gratefully, then turned to the younger man. "Goku, if you clean his wounds, I'll do what I can to close them… Gojyo, he'll need hot water. We'll need a fire. And the antiseptic and bandages from my backpack. Hakuryuu, can I trouble you for light again?" The dragon settled into a spacious spot between two pairs of trees and resumed his jeep form, headlights glowing.

While Gojyo collected deadwood and got a fire going to heat water, Hakkai resumed a more thorough examination of Sanzo's injuries. His brow furrowed. "We've got to get these gashes closed. He's still losing too much blood. And I'm worried about his ribs," he told Goku. "The one he cracked three days ago seems to have fractured or splintered. I think it may have punctured his lung. The bruise is spreading, and there's some swelling. There may be fluid collecting between his ribs and lung, and that could cause the injured part of his lung to collapse."

It was Sanzo's shallow, wheezy breathing and the sweat beading on his clammy skin that had him most worried. He wasn't sure how much of the feverishness was from the ribcage injuries and how much from loss of blood and shock. "I can't tell how bad it is and I can't do much about it. He may need a surgeon this time." Hakkai couldn't heal what he couldn't clearly see or feel as being out of place; internal injuries were often beyond his abilities.

"Right now we need to keep him warm so he doesn't go into shock… And now that we're past the trap, the rest of the road had better be open. We need to get him into town. It can't be too much further."

Hakkai briefly rested against the tree behind him and tore one of his extra shirts into additional bandages while Goku patiently picked the scraps of leather and fabric from Sanzo's wounds, taking care, as Hakkai had instructed him, to move the monk as little as possible to prevent further damage to his lung. After he had bathed the gashes and cleaned them as well as he could, Hakkai showed him how to hold the edges of torn muscle and skin together while he spread his broad hands over them, his eyes closing as he focused his healing energy into his palms and fingers.

Gojyo took over the task of preparing bandages. He bit back a protest that Hakkai wait to heal Sanzo and see to himself first, knowing it would be ignored. Hakkai's torn shirtsleeve was drenched with blood, but he had yet to allow Gojyo to get a good look at his arm.

Using his ki to heal demanded far more concentration than gathering it as a weapon or shield. He had to control the power and modulate it, channeling its flow into individual strands of tissue and muscle, increasing the force to mend torn sinew and firm muscle, adjusting it minutely to cauterize bleeding veins, arteries, and capillaries and to rejoin delicate nerves and sensitive skin. And all the while he had to hold in mind the vast knowledge of the human body he had accumulated over time so he could visualize the correct positions, appearance, and functions of each muscle and tissue his ki touched in order to rebuild and repair them properly.

It took only minutes for the healing green warmth to achieve the healer's goal. He hesitated after the wounds were closed, perspiration beading on his forehead and soaking his bloodstained shirt. Then he turned his attention to the bruised ribs, ki once more glowing between his hands and Sanzo's skin—though much more faintly—as he tried to disperse the unseen fluid beneath the shattered rib and at least reduce the swelling.

Depleted already from fighting and from the demands of the healing he had already done, the further loss of ki left Hakkai reeling. He had to stop before he wanted, and he passed out when he tried to push off his knees to stand up.

Watching him closely and knowing he had pushed his limits, Gojyo was there to break his fall when he crumpled back to his knees. The half-youkai frowned as he propped his friend against the tree, then ripped open the diagonal closure on his shirt, peeling back the torn fabric so he could, finally, get a good look at his injured shoulder. "Fuck!" He was rougher than he had intended to be; he made himself slow down and handle the wound more gently. "Goku can you bring that basin of water and help me take care of this?"  But when he looked up he realized that the younger man had his hands full bandaging Sanzo's upper body. "Never mind. I'll manage." 

The curve of bone on the outside corner of Hakkai's shoulder showed white under the torn flesh, and fresh blood still flowed from a gash extending down his upper arm nearly to his elbow. Gojyo applied pressure to the area of worst bleeding until it slowed, then wrapped a bandage tightly around it while he collected the water basin and antiseptic.

Hakkai was beginning to come to by the time he returned to properly clean and bandage the wound, but his eyes were still unfocused and his brow furrowed with the pain he hadn't allowed himself to feel until now. "Asshole," Gojyo told him.

Hakkai's lips curved slightly over gritted teeth, then he closed his eyes again, only semi-conscious.

When the healer came around fully a short time later, Gojyo had a cup of tea and food ready for him. "Here. Eat something, you damn fool. Will you ever learn to back off before you use up too much of yourself? It doesn't do us any good to trade your life for one of ours."

Hakkai took the tea and smiled weakly. It was a mantra he had heard over and over from Gojyo lately. "That's why I keep you around to pick up the pieces," he responded. He raised his hand to a pair of parallel claw marks across Gojyo's collar bone, dried blood congealed on them. "It looks like you could use a little repairing, too."

"Don't you dare, idiot. This is nothing I can't take care of myself. And Goku's gotten pretty good at dealing with these minor injuries."

"He has a good teacher." Hakkai smiled weakly through his exhaustion, then shifted his attention to the younger man. Goku had just finished bandaging the worst of Sanzo's injuries and arranging a compress on the swollen bruise spreading from the blond's lower ribs to his chest and abdomen. He covered him with two more blankets, careful to tuck the edges under the blanket on the ground to seal in Sanzo's own warmth. His expression was dark with worry.

"Goku, you've made him as comfortable as you can. You need to clean up and tend to your own injuries. You're pretty badly cut up yourself. And you and Gojyo need to eat something and get some rest. If we can't travel tonight, we need to get on the road at daybreak… if we can." He couldn't think yet about what they would do if the rest of their route was blocked as the last fifteen miles had been.

Until Hakkai called his attention to it, Goku hadn't realized he was hurt himself. But one sleeve of his shirt hung in tatters, his arm underneath scored by several claw marks and dark with dried blood. His opposite leg was in similar condition, and he could feel the sting of cuts and scratches on his face and back. Beyond the injuries, his temples were throbbing with the headache that often followed the rush of adrenalin and tension that spurred him into frenzied fighting.

Squatting beside Sanzo, he tentatively rested his hand on the monk's forehead, brushing the blond locks aside. "If we wait 'til daylight, will Sanzo make it through the night, Hakkai, with his lung punctured? And if we try to go now, will moving him make things worse?" He paused, struggling to put into words the other fear nagging all of them. Whether they stayed or moved, were there more assassins waiting, and would they be attacked again before they'd had time to recover?

"Take a few minutes to clean up and eat, Goku. We can make a better decision when we've had a chance to collect ourselves and think."

***TBC***

Welcome aboard, Shayera, Bekquai, Blades of Ice, and K.Firefly. I recognize most of your names from your reviews of Xparrot's "Remembering to Breathe," and I was hoping I'd pick up a few more of her readers. When IS that girl gonna update that story!?! NOW, Xparrot. We're waiting!

Thanks to all who complimented me on the fight scenes. I worked hard to get those right. Gallatica, I'm sorry (really, you ask?)—I know you didn't want me to hurt Sanzo too much… but it seems I'm not alone in getting my kicks from monk abuse. [Naye: " What, this is not a good thing?"]  What a sorry lot we are!


	6. Part II: 3

**Part II**

_Chapter 3_

Needing rest and not knowing whether they would be able to resume driving or would have to continue walking, carrying Sanzo, they had spent the dark hours of night in the grove of evergreens in which they had sought cover. Gojyo had volunteered for first watch, and Hakkai had drained himself enough that he had slept soundly at least for the first few hours.

Although the thick carpet of pine needles offered more comfort than many of their previous camps, Goku had slept hardly at all. His ears were constantly tuned to the sounds in the forest—alert for anything out of the ordinary—as well as to the minute variations in the breathing of the man beside whom he had made his bed. Gojyo had seen him sit up to check on Sanzo at least two dozen times in three or four hours.

Now, in the tree-dappled early morning light streaming into the jeep, with Sanzo's head and shoulders cradled in his lap, he dozed on and off, slipping between half-dreams and half-awake musings, much as he had the day before. 

He and Gojyo and Hakkai had agreed that none of them should go more than a few yards from the others by themselves. As soon as the first light of day grayed the sky, the elder two had hiked back to the road to check its status, leaving Goku to pack their things and guard Sanzo. As Hakkai had surmised, the road had been blocked to delay their travel and ensure they got trapped in the ravines, tired and with their guard lowered from long hours of walking. Past the trap, however, the road was clear, and within a few miles the forest began to thin out again.

Gojyo and Hakkai had argued about who should drive, the redhead insisting that Hakkai was still too exhausted and shouldn't strain his shoulder, the brunette angry that Gojyo had stayed up most of the night on watch and hadn't woken him to take a shift. In the end they had agreed to share the duty, and Gojyo had taken the wheel until he had become too tired to keep his eyes open. 

Sanzo had briefly regained consciousness when they had carried him to the jeep, using the blankets and two saplings for a makeshift litter. Now he slept restlessly, at the edge of awareness, a moan occasionally escaping his lips when he was jostled by the jeep bumping over a rough section of road. Goku was sure he was dreaming sometimes, his eyelids fluttering. Not good dreams, if his creased brow and the twitching of his body were any indications.

Goku thought back to his own nightmares a few days ago. He remembered how often Sanzo, after rescuing him, had spent middle-of-the-night hours comforting him and listening to him babble about those kinds of dreams, or cry with the terror of being left alone again. By day, the monk had always lost patience with him easily, resenting his loss of privacy, and had reprimanded him constantly with fan in hand; but by night he had shown patience and care that few who knew him would have expected.

Slowly Goku's mind had been eased, and he had learned that no matter how irritated Sanzo acted towards him, it was only his way of teaching him lessons; he would not abandon him, in spite of threats to the contrary—and he had not begun making those, Goku suddenly realized, until Goku had grown confident enough not to take them seriously.

The questions that Yanane's conversation with him had raised about his relationship with Sanzo drifted through his mind again. Were he and Sanzo friends? Did he feel the same way about Sanzo that he did about Hakkai and Gojyo? Did Sanzo feel that way about him?

He studied the troubled face in his lap, wanting to ask those questions of this hard, golden man. A lump thickened in his throat, and his chest tightened, as he considered the possibility that Sanzo might not make it through this journey if things kept going as they were. _You just better not leave me alone, Sanzo,_ he directed vehement thoughts to the monk. _Because I'll follow you and drag your sorry ass back, damn it! I don't care whether or not you would tell Yanane that Hakkai and Gojyo and I are your friends. I KNOW we are. Why else do we all look out for each other? You couldn't do this stupid mission without us, and you know it! And I KNOW you care about us! Sometimes you hit me with that stupid fan so much I almost believe you really don't like me. But then why am I still with you? I know you care about me even if you don't want to. And I KNOW I care about you. . . even when you're pompous and stubborn and stupid and in a bad mood. So you just better not cop out and die, you stupid monk! You hear me?_

Goku was jolted from his one-sided mental discussion by the jeep lurching as Hakkai steered clear of a pothole that had appeared just over a rise in the road. Sanzo's eyes flew open, and he tried to sit up, disoriented. He hissed in pain and coughed, traces of blood mixed with the phlegm that came up with the spasm.

"Sorry," called Hakkai.

Goku pushed Sanzo back down with a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder, and wiped the spittle from his mouth. After his fierce internal conversation, he had to struggle to keep his voice normal. "Stay still, Sanzo. Your rib has punctured your lung." He picked the canteen up from the seat and raised the monk's head enough for him to drink, holding the canteen to his lips.

"How long?" Sanzo whispered hoarsely. It was always his first question when he woke from unconsciousness.

"Only since last night. You've been in and out once or twice this morning."

"Hakkai?" He found it painful to talk, but Goku anticipated his questions.

"Driving. He has a hurt shoulder, but he's mostly fine. Gojyo's okay, too. We're all tired and a little beat up."

"Except you," Gojyo put in, hanging over the front seat. "As usual, you've managed to outdo us by a wide margin." 

Sanzo managed a brief scowl before his eyes closed and he slipped under again.

"That seems a good sign," said Gojyo.

"Mmm," agreed their driver. "Any sign of fever or more difficulty breathing, Goku?"

"About the same as when we left this morning. He's still really pale and warmer than usual, but not as clammy as he was last night. He coughed up some blood, though, Hakkai."

"That's to be expected. It's fever and increased discomfort or more difficulty breathing that we need to watch for right now. I'll feel happier when we can get a proper doctor to examine him."

"Hakkai?" Goku changed the subject after a brief silence.

"Hmmm?"

"You said once that we all have ki, and you thought maybe you could teach us something about how to use ours to heal the way you do." He paused, unsure how to continue.

"I think we all have some amount of ability, Goku," Hakkai responded thoughtfully. "But it varies from person to person, and even if someone has the gift for it, he would also need the knowledge to use it effectively. And it takes a great deal of focus and concentration."

"I want to learn, Hakkai… in case you're not around when one of us needs healing, or for when you need it. I didn't used to be very good at concentrating on things," Goku rushed on, worried that Hakkai might say no. "But I think I'm getting a lot better at that. And I'm a slow learner at some things—like writing. I still have trouble with that. But this is really important. I really want to learn how to do this, Hakkai. Will you teach me?"

Hakkai was struck by Goku's earnestness. "I'll do my best, Goku," he promised. "But I want you to know that even if we find that you don't have the gift for healing with ki, you really are a very good pupil, and you've already learned quite a lot about healing. You can help tremendously just by knowing how to take care of wounds or treat a fever or relieve pain, and you're already doing some of that. I was too tired to help Sanzo as much as he needed last night. I couldn't have done it without your help. And Sanzo is better off today because you were his healer, too."

Hakkai's praise made Goku glow with satisfaction and warm with determination to learn more. Gojyo smiled to himself, seeing it in the kid's face, but his thoughts were of the man whose words had put it there. As Hakkai was continually impressed with Goku's sincerity, Gojyo was impressed with Hakkai's patience and intelligence, as well as his sensitivity to what each of them needed and the care he took to give it.

Gojyo's arm had been stretched across the back of the front seat, his hand resting behind Hakkai's head and shoulders. Longing to do more, he couldn't stop himself from dropping his hand to the healer's shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.

Hakkai glanced at him. "What?" he asked.

Gojyo smiled affectionately. "Nothing, really. Just… you are a really nice guy sometimes, you know that?"

"Only sometimes?" Hakkai chuckled. But Gojyo was dismayed to see that beneath the light laughter was one of Hakkai's empty smiles, his eyes shadowed with thoughts of when he wasn't a nice guy. Gojyo's own expression darkened.

From his place behind the healer, Goku watched the brief exchange, totally in agreement with Gojyo's remark, but suspecting that the half-youkai was somehow trying to tell Hakkai much more than what his simple words suggested.

* * *

By the time they reached the town, around noon, Sanzo's condition was giving the rest of his companions more to worry about. The twitching that Goku had noticed while the monk was dreaming had turned to near-constant shivering, although perspiration was beading on his face and neck, and his hair clung damply to his forehead. He no longer dreamed, having fallen more deeply into unconsciousness. His breathing had become far more labored, the wheezing more noticeable than during the night, and no matter how rapidly he drew breath, he seemed unable to get enough air into his lungs. His brow creased with pain with every breath.

Goku repeatedly poured water from the canteen onto a cloth and used it to bathe Sanzo's forehead and neck, as much because he had to keep doing something to suppress his panic as because he hoped it would help Sanzo. 

Hakkai inquired at the first inn they came to as to the whereabouts of a good surgeon. He was grateful that the town was a larger, more bustling community than they had expected given its remote location, boasting several trained doctors. The innkeeper directed him to one who specialized in injuries—"although he's been pretty busy lately with all the attacks from the crazy youkai around here," the man noted.

When the physician saw Sanzo's condition, he immediately ushered the small group into a well-equipped treatment room and asked his assistant to continue with the handful of more routine patients waiting for him. It didn't take long for him to confirm Hakkai's suspicion that at least the lower part of Sanzo's lung had collapsed from the pressure of the air and fluid that had accumulated between his lung and chest wall since the night before. When an x-ray confirmed that his rib had splintered and a piece was lodged in the lung tissue, the doctor agreed to perform the necessary surgery to repair the damage.

* * * 

Goku stood up, sat down, stood up again, and paced the short length of the room in which they waited so many times that Gojyo got dizzy watching him.

"Sit down already, bakazaru!" Gojyo loomed over Goku, pushing down on his shoulders until he folded into a chair. Then he flopped down beside the younger man and handed him a sandwich. "Here. Eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Of course you're hungry. You're always hungry."

"Leave me alone, cockroach. I said I'm not hungry." He started to stand up again. Gojyo pressed him back down.

"Goku," Hakkai said soothingly, "I believe Sanzo is in good hands. We were lucky this didn't happen until we had almost arrived here. And also that this town has good doctors. Sanzo is not one to be kept down long by a little hole in his lung… any of us could live with that if it's not too big and doesn't get infected. This doctor's work will insure that. Sanzo has come through worse than this. He'll be fine."

The mention of worse encounters reminded all three of them of the poisoned wound that had nearly killed Sanzo in the desert only a few months ago, and more recently, the near-fatal injuries Kami-sama had inflicted on him before they had figured out how to defeat the insane monk. 

Goku tried to sit still. "I know. But I don't like him being alone all these hours. And I don't like it that we can't be with him and we don't know what's happening."

Before either of the older men could respond, the surgeon entered the room, his surgical coat still on. "Your friend is resting as comfortably as I could make him," he informed them. "I can't say how long it might be before he regains consciousness, but his breathing is easier and his fever is coming down. With the hole mended and rib repaired, his lung should be able to rejoin the chest wall and re-inflate as it heals. But it will take several weeks for him to fully recover, and it will continue to be painful for him to breathe or exert himself for some days."

The doctor's voice became grave. "He seems to have sustained very many serious injuries in a short space of time, and by your account he lost a great deal of blood yesterday. His body is seriously traumatized. Whatever your goals, I believe you will have to insure that he rests and avoids further injury anytime soon if you don't want his life endangered."

The monk's three companions exchanged worried but knowing glances. If they bound Sanzo and locked him into a windowless room, they might be able to curb his activity for perhaps a week beyond whatever time he remained in a coma. They each had the thought that he had better stay unconscious for a while.

The surgeon continued, "He's a smoker, yes?" They nodded. "He **cannot** smoke before his lung is fully healed. And none of you should smoke near him or in any room he occupies." He looked pointedly at Gojyo, who had hastily extinguished a cigarette when the doctor entered the waiting room, adding it to a half-dozen already accumulated in the ashtray on the table. 

The surgeon turned to Hakkai.  "You are the ki healer who mended the serious wounds in your friend's back and kidney?"

Hakkai nodded.

"Your work is very good. You are a gifted healer. Undoubtedly you are responsible for his living as long as he has."

The healer accepted the compliment with a simple thanks. Gojyo and Goku grinned broadly with pride for their friend.

* * *

The travelers spent their first night in town in the clinic, Hakkai sleeping on the extra bed in the room Sanzo had been given, Gojyo on a cot that had been brought in. Goku could not be convinced to sleep. He kept vigil all night in a chair by Sanzo's bed. When the other two woke to the morning sun, they found him asleep in his chair, his head on his arms on the edge of Sanzo's bed, his left hand covering Sanzo's right. 

Gojyo looked from Goku to Hakkai, a question in his expression.

"Let him sleep," responded the healer. "I don't think he has, much, for three or four nights now."

In the late afternoon, they found two adjacent rooms for rent by the week in a quiet inn on the edge of town. They moved Sanzo to the smaller room, and Goku kept watch over him while Gojyo and Hakkai shopped for food and supplies for the week. 

"No cigarettes," Hakkai said flatly, returning them to the shelf when Gojyo tossed a carton into the basket he carried.

"I am **not** going cold turkey for the goddamn monk," Gojyo protested. "I'll smoke outside."

"Don't plan on leaving the inn alone even to smoke, Gojyo. I think Goku's right that the youkai being sent as assassins are more determined and may be looking to split us up—although it seems they are after the sutra, and it may be primarily Sanzo they are aiming for. But we're certainly being watched if they're anticipating our route and setting traps. Regardless of what we've had to deal with on the road, we generally haven't had to expect attacks when we've stopped in towns. I don't think that's necessarily true any more."

"Agreed," said the other. "So I guess you'll just have to accompany me for some fresh air a few times a day, Hakkai. Because I am not gonna not smoke for a month!"

"But you'll limit yourself, right? Half a carton, then." Hakkai put a half-carton in their basket and continued shopping before Gojyo could respond. "This is the perfect opportunity you've been looking for to cut back," he commented cheerfully when Gojyo caught up with him, swearing.

"Whoever said I was looking for an opportunity to cut back, asshole?"

Hakkai hummed softly to himself as he looked over fresh fruits and vegetables, apparently oblivious to his companion's further protests.

"Okay. Have it your way. You'll be sorry soon enough. I **won't **be pleasant."

When they returned to the inn, Hakkai cooked a meal for them on the larger room's two-burner stove, Gojyo assisting with the tasks Hakkai's shoulder prevented him from doing comfortably. "You'd better let me take a look at that and change the bandages after dinner," the taller man told his friend. 

"It's not too bad," said Hakkai. "And I had plenty of time to rest today. I think you'll find it's healing well."

"How's our patient, Goku?" Hakkai asked as the three sat around the room's small square table and relaxed into a more normal pattern for the first time in several days.

"No change yet." Goku glanced through the open door between the two rooms to Sanzo's still form on the bed. "His fever seems to be staying down. And he's not wheezing the way he was before the surgery. But he still is having trouble breathing. He's still awfully pale, and his face looks like he's hurting a lot."

"You heard what the doctor said. A collapsed lung is quite painful, Goku. And the wounds I closed the night before last are only partially healed. The doctor gave us some medicines to help with the pain. We can give him another dose in a few hours."

Goku nodded, helping himself to another serving of noodles. "These are good, Hakkai." 

"Yeah, so leave some for me, you greedy ape," complained Gojyo, slipping his chopsticks under Goku's and pushing them away before Goku could add more to his plate.

"You're the greedy one, stupid kappa. You have plenty on your plate still."

"Now, now," said Hakkai. "Be nice." But he smiled to himself, satisfied to hear some of the usual banter between the two.

* * *

"Hey, stupid monkey, are you gonna sit in that chair all night again tonight?" Gojyo asked when he and Hakkai came in from a cigarette break later in the evening to find Goku on watch again beside Sanzo's bed.

"Goku, you're not helping him any by letting yourself get overtired," said Hakkai. "He just needs to rest for a few days, now. And so do you. I don't think you slept well any of the nights we spent in the village, and certainly not the last two. I'll keep watch on Sanzo for a while, and I'll sleep here so I'll be nearby if any problems arise during the night. Why don't you go to bed in the other room and sleep for a change?"

Goku tried to protest, but a deep yawn betrayed him. Hakkai gave him a gentle push out of his chair. "Go."

It was Hakkai's I-won't-brook-any-argument tone, and even Sanzo generally gave in when their healer assumed authority with that air. Goku was too tired to argue. He slipped out of his unbuttoned shirt and jeans and flopped onto one of the beds in the other room.

"And don't keep me awake with your snoring, baka." 

"You either, stupid kappa," he returned to Gojyo. It was their usual way of telling each other "good night."

***TBC***

Welcome Hikari-neko, M Li, and Hellcat, and welcome back everyone else. Continued thanks for all your reviews and compliments!

Don't worry, Hellcat, this story WILL be finished. There are about ten or twelve more chapters, and all but the very last chapter are already completed… they just await final editing by my beta reader, and decisions on where to break them apart before I can post. I expect to be posting about two chapters per week for the next few weeks. I hope you all continue to enjoy this!


	7. Part II: 4

Warning: This chapter and some that follow contain references to/spoilers for several events in the first season of the Saiyuki anime and/or the nine volumes of manga (including the Kami-sama arc). Everything here should still be understandable if you're not familiar with those; but you might appreciate a couple scenes more if you've read the manga and/or seen the episodes referred to. That said, on with the angst—uh, the story!

Part II 

_Chapter 4_

Sanzo had begun to come out of the coma during the dark pre-dawn hours, but his fever was higher, and he had returned to the state of fitful dreaming that usually plagued him as his body fought its way back from traumatic injury. He shuddered repeatedly in his half-conscious sleep as he felt himself suffocating over and over again in deep layers of hot sand, each time emerging in the throes of gut-wrenching pain, his robes drenched with blood, and the sharp, coppery tang of the warm red fluid in his mouth.

In his nightmare he choked back a cry as Rikudo's spear punctured his stomach, and he spiraled into unconsciousness to the roar of Goku's scream as his limiter burst and he changed to his other, monstrous self to retaliate on Rikudo. Sanzo gasped for air as the sand engulfed him again, and the dream image of enraged Goku melted into that of himself as a boy, Kouryuu, his heart screaming in helpless rage as he watched Sanzo Koumyou fall in a pool of blood, the Seitan Kyomon torn from his shoulders. The pain in the boy's heart merged into Sanzo's agony as scorpion-poisoned claws dragged through his chest and abdomen; golden eyes, wide with anxiety below a golden diadem, were the last thing he glimpsed before he sank again into the suffocating sands.

The monk thrashed in his sleep, trying to fight his way out of the engulfing sand, perspiration drenching his hair and gleaming on his face and the little skin that showed between his bandages.

"Sanzo." With one foot on the floor and the other knee on the bed, Hakkai leaned over the feverish man, his hands grasping his shoulders to still him, his voice soothing. "Sanzo. It's over. You're here with us."

Sanzo's eyes flickered open, and he registered the familiar monocled green eyes bent close to his face. He closed his eyes again and turned his head away, but relaxed under the other man's hold.

"Give him some water, Goku," directed Hakkai as he released Sanzo and made space for the boy to take his place. "I'll make tea with something to help him sleep more easily." 

Goku gently lifted Sanzo's shoulders and held the water glass to his lips. Sanzo gulped a sip or two, then winced with pain as he drew a deep breath and tried to speak, but instead lapsed back into semi-consciousness.

Goku was dozing in the chair he had pulled up beside Sanzo's bed when the nightmares resumed a few hours later, and the monk's restlessness brought him to anxious attention. Sanzo's face was shadowed with pain which his companion could not tell was from his present injuries or ghost pain arising from his dreams. The boy's body tensed, his fighting instincts risen, wanting to lash out at whatever was hurting the man he watched over.

Dreaming, Sanzo choked again on desert sand as he swallowed down the overwhelming pain in his gut while he staggered up, aiming his pistol at the raging youkai Goku. Then he threw the gun aside as Goku attacked him, and instead called on his sutra to subdue the monster. The blood and bile rising in his throat threatened to choke him as the boy he had raised returned to normal and collapsed on top of him. And together they sank into the smothering sands.

Goku was somehow still beside him when he emerged into the monastery as his younger self and watched again—as he had hundreds of times in dreams and waking memories—the youkai assassins clawing into his master then escaping with his sutra. The oppressive weight of Koumyou's crown and the sutra the master had passed to him crushed him back into the engulfing sands. But this time Goku grasped his hand and wrist in a tight hold and pulled him back, stopping him from sinking under. _You better not leave me alone, Sanzo, _he heard the boy scream over the howling wind. _Because I'll follow you and drag your sorry ass back, damn it! You better not cop out and die, you stupid monk!_

"Sanzo." Worried golden eyes met his violet ones when the monk woke again from his dream to what seemed a far-off call. The choking sands of his nightmare receded as he felt the gentle but forceful hold on his shoulders again. Different hands. The idiot monkey this time.

"Shut up, bakazaru." he gasped. "Stop. . .yelling. . .at me." It hurt too much to say more.

"I'm not yelling at you, stupid monk. You're dreaming." Goku swabbed Sanzo's brow with a cool cloth, then supported his shoulders while he put a cup of Hakkai's herbal tea to his lips. "Here, drink this."

Before he could answer Sanzo's unspoken questions about where they were and how long he had been unconscious this time, the monk slipped back into half-conscious sleep, Master Koumyou's lessons echoing in his mind: _The orange allows the blue to look especially beautiful. Because they are complementary, they bring out each other's best._

Goku relaxed a little, encouraged by the older man's brief flare of temper. His anxiety further diminished when Sanzo slept more quietly for an hour or two later that morning, his breath coming easier, his facial muscles less drawn, his color less ghostly.

The boy had turned the chair to face away from Sanzo's bed, and he sat backward astride it, Gojyo fashion, his chin resting on his crossed arms on the top of the chair back. He studied Sanzo's face, looking for the telltale signs of returning pain or stress from his dreams, then found himself wondering again if Sanzo's hair would fall through his fingers in silky folds as Yanane's had. With Sanzo still insensible and his own apprehension still high, Goku did not resist, this time, the overpowering urge to smooth the golden locks back from the monk's forehead, slipping his fingers through Sanzo's hair. The briefest of frowns crossed Sanzo's face; then his bruised body relaxed further under the gentle touch.

Goku's eyes strayed to Sanzo's lips, slightly parted as he panted to bring enough air into his compressed lung. The youth recalled the pressure of the girl's lips on his, the urgency of her kiss, his own urgency as his body responded to the stimulation. He licked his lips as a fleeting thought crossed his mind of whether Sanzo's lips would part for his tongue, what the taste of Sanzo's mouth would be, if he kissed Sanzo as he had Yanane.

Goku flushed with a wave of heat and embarrassment, pulled his hand away as he backed off the chair, and paced to the window. _No way. Sanzo would kill me! And that's not the way it is with me and Sanzo,_ he protested to himself. In his mind's eye he saw Sanzo as he had first seen him, his golden hair lit from behind by the sun as he blocked the patch of blue sky that Goku had watched through imprisoning bars for five hundred years. He felt the warmth of Sanzo's hand closed around his own as he led him to freedom and a new life.

Memories flashed through his mind of himself following Sanzo around the monastery asking questions; of Sanzo teaching him to read, hitting him with his fan when he forgot the same word for the fifth time in as many minutes; explaining to him about Koumyou's orange paper airplanes and blue sky. And then to more recent images of himself and Sanzo fighting side by side with Hakkai and Gojyo; of the fear and devastation that had driven him into going youkai when Rikudo had gored Sanzo with his spear; of his overwhelming desire to protect Sanzo when Kougaiji got in their way in the desert. 

As he looked out the window, his throat constricted as it did every time he considered how lonely he would be if he lost Sanzo. With no memories of ever having experienced love and affection, the monk's dubious companionship and the assurance that he would always have it had been****enough for Goku to think of Sanzo as his sun. He looked again at the flaxen head on the pillow across the room. He still thought that way.

Yet lately things had changed. Sanzo was no longer his only mentor; he had Hakkai to learn from now, too—and he was a more patient teacher. He had Gojyo to beat up on him and look out for him. And his golden sun seemed not to always have the answers to everything anymore. Hadn't it been he, Goku, who had pulled Sanzo out of his slump and shown them all what they needed to do to beat Kami-sama? Wasn't it he, Goku, taking care of Sanzo more and more instead of the other way around? That Sanzo was flawed, and that he seemed to need Goku as much as Goku needed him, only increased the younger man's affection for him. 

Goku caught sight of Hakkai and Gojyo in the inn's garden below, sitting side by side beside a small pool of water with a fountain trickling over a pleasant arrangement of stones. Smoke from Gojyo's cigarette drifted over their heads. The youth longed to have the same easy companionship with Sanzo that Gojyo and Hakkai had with each other. And maybe, just maybe, he did feel about Sanzo the way he was certain Gojyo felt about Hakkai.

* * *

"You're awfully quiet," Hakkai told Goku as they walked together to the diner down the street.

Goku shrugged. Hakkai had insisted he take a break and get out of their rooms for some air. He and Gojyo had decided to order take-out for dinner, and Gojyo had agreed to keep watch over Sanzo while Goku went with him to get it.

"He's over the worst," the older man reassured his companion. "By tomorrow night I'm sure we'll be fighting with him to stay here resting."

"I know." Goku kicked a small stone, and it skipped ahead of them. They returned to silence for a few minutes.

"Goku—"

"Hakkai—"  they began together.

Hakkai smiled. "Yes?"

The younger man hesitated for a long minute before continuing. "Hakkai, when we were in that last village, that red-haired girl, Yanane. . .you remember her?"

"Mmm," Hakkai responded, waiting.

"Well, umm, she. . ." He paused and restarted, not sure quite what to say. "When we were alone, she, umm. . ."

"Yes, I think I know," said Hakkai smiling to himself. "Gojyo mentioned that you had had—an encounter—with her."

Goku's head jerked up. "Stupid kappa! He should mind his own business!"

"He didn't say much," Hakkai assured. "She seemed to enjoy your company, Goku." His tone encouraged the younger man to continue.

"I had fun with her," said Goku. Hakkai noticed his color rise at the memory. "She was really nice to me. And we talked a lot about her family."

Hakkai nodded, giving his companion room to take the conversation where he wanted.

"That last night we were there, she told me she really liked me—a lot." He emphasized it as she had to him. "She said she loves her brother and sister, and she told me about all the things they do with their friends, and how they look out for each other, and how they have fun together even when they tease each other and insult each other." His words tumbled out rapidly, trying to keep pace with his thoughts. "She asked me if I had a family, and she asked me a lot of questions about you and me and Gojyo and Sanzo. And I realized that we're a lot like her brother and their friends."

"And?. . ." Hakkai encouraged when Goku paused again.

The younger man chewed on his lower lip, again uncertain how to proceed. "And then when. . .and after that she. . . That's when she told me she liked me a lot." He blushed, looked at the ground, and kicked another pebble, not able to tell Hakkai that she had kissed him. "She made me think she might feel about me the way she does about her family and her friends—something like that anyway. . . And it made me feel something like that for her, too. I think. At least then it did."

Hakkai could tell from Goku's hesitation and confusion that something more was on his mind. "Are you wishing you could spend more time with her, Goku? Are you missing her, maybe?"

Goku met his eyes, genuinely surprised, and shook his head. "Uh-uh. I liked her, but that's not it," he explained as he realized what Hakkai might be thinking. "It's just that. . .well. . .it got me thinking. . .and now I keep wondering. . ."

"Yes?"

After another pause, Goku blurted out, "How do you know when you love someone, Hakkai? Or when someone loves you?"

Hakkai was taken aback by the sudden question, his faint smile tightening to a hard straight line. Kanan's smiling face filled his memory. Kanan shaking her long hair over her shoulder as she smiled up at him when he arrived home from school. Kanan's warmth and shiver of desire as he wrapped his arms around her and she hugged him back. Their home torn apart, flowers strewn on the floor, Kanan missing. Kanan sinking into a pool of her own blood behind the bars that had prevented him from stopping her when she plunged his own knife into her belly.

He squeezed his eyes shut, did not look at Goku when he recovered enough to say, "Why do you ask, Goku?"

The younger man hesitated again, Hakkai's distance and the pain that crossed his face more obvious to him than the older man might have expected. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to make you think of. . .that. You must have loved her very much."

"Yes." Hakkai glanced at his hands, unconsciously flexed his fingers, felt again the blood of the hundreds he had slain flowing over them, staining them—permanently, it seemed—the dark red of murder and death. _Perhaps I loved her too much._

"It's just that I've been thinking. . ." Goku persisted. "I told Yanane you and Gojyo are our best friends—me and Sanzo's. And you and Gojyo are each other's best friends. And I told her about me and Sanzo. . . I've been thinking a lot about Sanzo because it really bothers me when he gets hurt so bad. And Gojyo gets really scared when you get hurt bad. And I've been wondering, does that mean we love each other?"

Their arrival at the sushi shop delayed Hakkai's having to respond to Goku's questions. They placed their order, then took a booth in the farthest corner to wait while it was prepared. Hakkai had by then pulled his thoughts together and considered why this question had arisen for Goku. "Love can take many different forms, Goku, and people show it in different ways. Kanan and I did love each other very much. And we were also 'in love' with each other. Just being together made us happier than anyone or anything else could."

Goku's attention was totally focused on Hakkai, thirsty for the older man's wisdom.

"That's very different from the kind of love a mother or father feels for their child." It crossed his mind that he and Goku and Gojyo and Sanzo all had in common a lack of experience with that particular brand of love. "A teacher has, I think, a similar feeling for his pupils—a feeling of care and closeness and pride that comes from helping someone learn and grow and become who they are destined to be."

Hakkai absently folded a paper napkin from the table into a crane as he talked, then unfolded it again, becoming distant as he recalled his days teaching. As always, darkness crept into his eyes with the recollection that it was the pleasure of working late with a few exuberant students that had kept him away from Kanan when she was taken by the youkai abductors.

"Hakkai?"

The older man forced himself back to the present. "The feelings that brothers and sisters like Yanane and her siblings have," he continued, "are still another kind of love. And friends who enjoy each other's company and spend a lot of time together and look out for each other share a sort of love, too."

"But how do you know if you're just friends with someone or if you love them? Or if they love you?. . . Or if you're **in** love with them?

Hakkai was refolding the napkin back into a crane. Goku's eyes searched his, probing for a better grasp of the concept and feelings he was trying to define for himself.

"Do you love Gojyo, Hakkai?"

Hakkai started, thoroughly taken aback by Goku's directness. But the fleeting look of surprise and uncertainty that crossed his face was replaced so fast by one of his enigmatic smiles that Goku wasn't certain he saw anything more behind Hakkai's answer. "You said yourself, Goku, that Gojyo and I are best friends. And I told you that best friends do share a kind of love for each other. In that way, yes, Goku, I do love Gojyo. And I believe you would be right in thinking that Gojyo feels that way about me, too."

"But can't two good friends be in love with each other, too, Hakkai? The way you were with…with Kanan?"

Hakkai fiddled with the napkin crane, wishing to end this conversation. But Goku's persistent tone demanded satisfaction. "Yes, that does happen sometimes."

"Has it happened to you and Gojyo?"

Hakkai was not often stymied by his three close friends. But Goku was looking at him so intently, and his questions took him so off guard, that he could only gaze back, his green eyes impassive, the usual smile wiped from his face. If Goku had been listening for it, he would have heard Hakkai's breath catch. His voice was low and controlled.

"I don't think I can ever be in love with another person the way I was with Kanan, Goku. I don't want to ever love someone that much again. And I never want another person to love me that way." He felt again the blood of over a thousand murders wash over him. And in his mind, he saw Gojyo looking at him with blood-red eyes through the curtain of his blood-red hair, and the blood and murders might have been a canyon separating them.

Goku sensed that he had touched something in Hakkai that he had never fully seen before, and he looked at the table, wondering whether he had gone too far, but not knowing how to retreat. His hunger for love and friendship and his need to understand his own feelings for Sanzo drove him to press his friend one step further. "But what if Gojyo already loves you that way, Hakkai?"

Hakkai's thin, inscrutable smile returned to his face. "Goku, I think you have become a hopeless romantic. Gojyo and I are best friends. We certainly care a lot for each other, and we greatly enjoy each other's company. But Gojyo has too much fun with women to become attached to one person that way." _And I can't afford to risk it,_ Hakkai thought to himself. _I don't want—I don't deserve—that kind of devotion from another person, ever again._

"I think you're wrong, Hakkai," Goku protested. "Gojyo used to be like that. But he doesn't go out with women much anymore. And he worries about you even more than I worry about Sanzo. I think he cares for you more than anyone."

Hakkai wanted to deny it and set Goku right. But he knew Goku wasn't wrong.

"If you loved someone so much before, isn't it lonely not to have someone to love now? And if you never want to love anyone, won't that make Gojyo lonely too?"

Hakkai chuckled, his small, unreadable smile still in place. "How can I be lonely with him and you both looking after me? And with Sanzo keeping us all so busy!" He was relieved to see the shop owner beckon to him before he had to say more. He rose from the table and gestured for Goku to join him. "Right now I think our dinner is ready. How about if we get back to the others?"

But as he walked to the front of the diner with Goku close behind, his thoughts were not at all on dinner, but on the compassionate man who had saved his life four years before.

***TBC***


	8. Part II: 5

Part II 

_Chapter 5_

Gojyo laid a card on the table, picked up another, adjusted the cards in his hand for the umteenth time, and fidgeted in his chair, tilting it back on its two rear legs, then dropping it forward again. He laid his hand face-down on the table, gulped a few sips of beer. "Cripes, I need a fucking smoke."

Hakkai arched an eyebrow, studied his hand for a moment, then took his own turn.

Gojyo left his seat, paced to the window and back before he picked up his cards again, took another turn, then downed another swig of beer.

Hakkai laid his hand out and smiled as he drew the kitty of chips to the pile on his side of the table.

"Damn!" said the redhead, throwing his cards down. "You're taking advantage of the fact that I'm distracted."

"Tough, isn't it, that an hour without a smoke makes you so distracted."

"Closer to two hours. And if you don't care to join me for a walk now, I'm going alone. Or I'm lighting up here. Your choice."

Hakkai rose, reached for his jacket on the other chair, and drew it on as he walked to the other room. "Goku, we're going out for a few minutes to satisfy this man's habit. He seems to think it might improve his ability to play cards." The healer laid the back of his hand on Sanzo's forehead to check for fever. "How's he doing?"

"He's been fine. But now he seems to be dreaming again."

"Yes, but his sleep seems more natural. I think he'll be fully conscious next time he awakens."

"He'll be hurting, though. And hungry. How can he go so many days without eating? I'm starving just thinking about it."

Hakkai laughed. "You're a growing boy. He's a perverse monk who seems to thrive on cigarettes and alcohol. Rather like his comrade here." He joined Gojyo, who was standing in the threshold of their room's door, ready to bolt. By the time Hakkai had shut the door, his companion was down the stairs at the end of the short hallway and lighting up the first of what would be a chain of Hi-Lites.

When they returned some forty-five minutes later, Hakkai puttered around the room cleaning up the cartons from their take-out dinner and putting things away. Gojyo, more relaxed now, sprawled in his chair, his eyes tracking the other man's movements.

Hakkai, more sensitive than usual to the gaze that nearly always followed him during their regular evening ritual, dropped a coffee cup as he collected the three on the table. "Clumsy," Gojyo commented as he rose to help Hakkai pick up the broken pieces.

Hakkai stiffened slightly as Gojyo's shoulder and upper arm brushed his own when he stooped beside him. Was it coincidental that he was so near? Or was his brief touch a deliberate move for physical closeness?

"Are you okay?" Gojyo inquired as he collected Hakkai's share of the ceramic pieces and carried them to the waste basket. "You seem rather pre-occupied tonight."

Hakkai was certain he had not imagined Gojyo's hands lingering on his a second or two longer than necessary to take the broken pieces of mug. _Does he always take such opportunities for a few seconds' surreptitious touch?_ he asked himself. _ Have I become so used to it that I don't notice? Or do I expect it so much that I take it for granted?_

"I'm fine," he assured the other. "Just a little tired. Goku and I were up a lot with Sanzo last night."

The concern in Gojyo's expression diminished. "Speaking of which, if you sleep in here and let the damned monkey stay with Sanzo, he won't sleep again tonight."

"I know." Hakkai glanced in to the younger man, his brown head bent over the book in his lap, studying as he continued his vigil beside the monk's bed. "But he won't sleep anyway until he's seen Sanzo fully conscious and past the current bout of nightmares. Even in here, he's sensitive to every change in Sanzo's breathing."

"You think he'll come around soon?"

"Mmm. He's nearly in the clear. We'll be sitting on him to keep him down by this time tomorrow."

Goku was oblivious to the conversation in the other room as he struggled over the terminology in the anatomy book he had asked Hakkai to give him. He found it very difficult, but his determination to master the knowledge he needed for healing kept him reading well past the others putting lights out and settling into sleep. Bleary-eyed, he put the book down only when Sanzo's sleep became fitful again, and he calmed him through another round of disturbing dreams.

The room was at its darkest when Sanzo woke to the glitter of the waning moon from the room's single window reflecting in Goku's golden eyes. The monk was only aware of the other's soothing hand on his head when he took it away. He vaguely recollected the boy's voice and touch having repeatedly brought him out of his nightmares.

"You still here?" he asked thickly.

Goku nodded, his gold crown catching the thin moonlight. He smiled at the mild irritation in Sanzo's voice.

"How long?"

"Three days."

Sanzo experimentally lifted his head and shoulders, supporting his weight on his forearms. Goku was quick to pile a pillow behind him and offer him a drink of water. "Are you hungry for something?"

"Not now." The blond's brow furrowed, and he caught his breath sharply, as he tried to sit up and swing his legs over the bedside to stand.

"Sanzo, you're barely out of a coma. You can't get up yet."

The older man's jaw set. "You will not stop me from at least using the bathroom, bakazaru." He stubbornly attempted to stand, sank, and leaned heavily on Goku. The younger man had anticipated him and positioned himself beside the monk, arm around his waist and shoulders ready to bear his weight.

The short walk exhausted the injured man, and his breath was uneven when Goku settled him back into the pillows. Sanzo pushed him off before he could tuck the blankets around him. "What do we have to eat?"

"Hakkai and I bought some crackers and fruit." They had been through this often enough that Goku didn't have to remind him to start light. He brought the monk a plate with a couple crackers and a few segments of tangerine, and ate the other half of the tangerine himself while Sanzo nibbled on the crackers. When he saw the monk grimace each time he swallowed, he handed two pills to him. "Here. The doctor gave you these for pain. He said it would hurt for a while to talk and eat."

"And breathe. And move," Sanzo scowled. He adjusted his position, then sank against the pillows.

Goku took the plate and shut off the bedside light he had turned on, then resumed his seat.

"Go to bed," Sanzo ordered him irritably.

"I will." But he crossed his arms over his chest and stayed where he was, _later _written on his face.

"Stubborn." Sanzo closed his eyes and settled into the pillows.

"Who's talking?" Goku chided. He watched as Sanzo slipped into the most restful sleep he'd had since the fight in the forest. 

Diffuse morning light lit the room when Sanzo woke again, feeling more himself. Goku was slouched over the side of the bed, snoring, his head pillowed on one arm, his other arm resting across Sanzo's waist.

"Baka," Sanzo whispered. But his hand fell affectionately on the head beside him, tousled brown locks falling between his fingers as he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Gojyo woke to the aroma of coffee, frying eggs, and steaming rice. He stretched, padded over to the small stove, and craned his neck over Hakkai's shoulder. "Mmm. We haven't had eggs in days."

"Good morning. Sanzo is finally awake and I want to make sure he starts off with a good meal."

"Hmmph. And I thought you were going through this trouble for my benefit." Gojyo's chin was not quite on Hakkai's shoulder, his breath warm on the other man's ear.

Hakkai shivered ever so slightly and imperceptibly leaned back, the minor change in his posture bringing his shoulder in contact with Gojyo's muscular chest. His breath caught for only a second while he focused on turning the eggs, then drew himself back to the stove.

Gojyo held his breath for a moment, sensing more of a response from Hakkai than he was accustomed to getting. He briefly placed his hand on the small of the other man's back, but took it away immediately when Hakkai straightened, not wanting to push him—always cautious not to push where he might not be wanted, ever patient for Hakkai to come to terms with his past and accept what had grown between them.

"You have to earn your keep," Hakkai responded to Gojyo's quip as though nothing else had passed between them.

Gojyo backed off. "I knew this vacation was too good to be true. What?"

"You can start by bringing this tray in to Sanzo and Goku." He turned and presented the filled breakfast tray to the redhead.

"Oh, biscuits, too," Gojyo commented. "The monkey will be happy."

Hakkai smiled, jade eyes twinkling behind his monocle. "Don't worry. I've made enough for you, too." He picked up a second tray with two more filled plates, prepared to follow Gojyo into Sanzo's room.

Gojyo paused. "And the rest of the chore you expect of me to earn this?"

"Please get Goku out of here before he drives Sanzo crazy hovering over him. He needs some exercise. Pick up the paper for Sanzo. I've got a list of groceries. We have some laundry that needs to be done."

Gojyo frowned. "I get the picture." Hakkai smiled as he led the way into the other room.

With the others gone for the morning, Hakkai kept Sanzo engaged enough in conversation and card games to take his mind off his injuries and prevent him from becoming too restless. By the time the four had eaten lunch and Sanzo had read half the paper, he had tired enough to sleep for much of the afternoon.

Goku sat cross-legged on one of the beds in the larger room, again poring over Hakkai's anatomy book. "Hakkai, do I need to know all the names of these bones and muscles, or do I just need to understand how they all fit together?"

"Better be careful not to cram too much into that pea brain of yours, monkey boy," Gojyo commented before the other could respond. "Wouldn't want your head to explode."

Goku stuck his tongue out and chucked one of the hard candies in the bag beside him at the half-youkai.

"Thanks," said Gojyo, smoothly catching the missile. "I was wondering when you'd get around to sharing."

Hakkai interceded before the exchange escalated. "For now, Goku, focus on getting the best picture you can in your mind of how everything fits together and how all the muscles and bones work together. It would help if we could find a life-size model for you to study. For now you might find it helpful to feel on your own body any of the bones and muscles you can—and perhaps on one of ours."

Gojyo recoiled. "Don't you dare try to touch me, bakazaru!"

Goku grimaced. "I wouldn't touch you even if you begged me to on your deathbed, cockroach!"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me cockroach, you stupid ape?"

"Stop calling me a stupid ape, cockroach!"

"An ape and cockroach might have more sense than to make so much noise to wake Sanzo," observed Hakkai. "Maybe you'd like to go out for another cigarette, Gojyo?" He knew his friend had been craving it since lunch but was making an effort to keep himself busy and put it off until one of them was ready to accompany him.

"I really don't think you or Goku need to chaperone me every time I want to go out for a damned smoke, you know—especially if it's just to the gardens around the inn. We've been here three days and there's been no sign of anyone out to get us."

Goku looked from Gojyo to Hakkai, his thoughts on the matter clear on his face.

Hakkai spoke for both of them. "We're at the edge of town. The woods begin again just beyond. They could be biding their time because we've been careful to stay together. No, Gojyo, I'm afraid you're stuck with our good company for the rest of this trip."

"Then I guess you're stuck supporting my bad habits. Put your book down." He took his cigarette pack from his vest pocket as he sauntered toward the door. "Goddamn monk better get well fast so I can light up when and where I want."

"Walk?" Gojyo asked Hakkai as he lit his cigarette outside the inn's main entrance.

"As you wish," said Hakkai absently.

Gojyo's brow creased. "Are you really that worried about another trap or attack?" he asked his companion. "Or is something else on your mind? You've been pre-occupied and jumpier than usual since you and Goku came back in last night."

Hakkai's face was impassive.

"Did something happen while you two were out that you're not telling me?"

"No," Hakkai reassured, but his tone was not entirely convincing.

"Hakkai—"

"No. Nothing happened to make me suspicious. The attack the other day was vicious enough and well-planned enough to convince me to be cautious without anything else happening."

"What then?"

"Hmm?"

"What **is** on your mind then?"

"Nothing in particular," Hakkai responded, and Gojyo knew he could argue until his hair turned blue and Hakkai would be unlikely to say more. Instead he took a long drag on his cigarette, held the smoke in his lungs as long as he could, then exhaled slowly.

Hakkai walked faster, his pace more deliberate, his silence more brooding. Gojyo fell a few steps behind, observing the tension in the other man's back and shoulders. He slowed his own pace, considered reaching for Hakkai's shoulder to stop him and push the issue.

Hakkai paused when he realized Gojyo was no longer in step with him, and looked back. "Are you coming?"

"I'm in no great hurry to get back and sit around more. Slow down."

Hakkai conceded, and they relaxed into a more leisurely pace, each with his own thoughts. Gojyo found himself reviewing the last twenty-four hours, intuitively sensing some level of change in Hakkai's attitude toward him since the previous day. The redhead was finding their close quarters and lack of privacy increasingly annoying, and his frustration with his companion's reticence increased proportionately.

Hakkai felt the tension in his friend and did his best to push his thoughts aside and pursue the small talk that would return a sense of normalcy to their interactions. By the time they turned back to the inn, Gojyo was more relaxed and Hakkai was able to tell himself that perhaps all Gojyo had needed was to get out for a smoke. He didn't know, after all, that Goku's observations the preceding evening had made it impossible for Hakkai to be near him without feeling his need and without having to fight his own yearning and confusion to fill that need. 

Hakkai was glad for the distraction Goku's persistent questions provided when they got back to their rooms. 

"Geez, can't you take this fucking conversation elsewhere?" Gojyo asked after a half hour of listening to the animated exchange between the healer and his pupil.

"Oh, does talk of bones and blood make the spineless kappa queasy?" taunted Goku.

Gojyo threw the novel he had been trying to read at him, clipping him on the temple. "No, idiot. But it's late enough that I'd rather be thinking about dinner. How about it, Sanzo? Are you hungry?"

The monk had been sitting up in bed, apparently focused on reading the paper. His attention was more on Goku's interchange with Hakkai, however, curious at the boy's newly acquired interest, and speculating about his ability to give it his attention for more than fifteen minutes without pleading hunger. "I could eat. Doesn't have to be now," he told Gojyo.

Their focus broken, Hakkai rose and stretched. "How about it, Goku, shall we stop and make dinner?"

Sanzo put the paper down. "You've made two meals today. Let Gojyo cook since he's the hungry one. Or order out again."

Goku voiced his opinion. "I'd rather get take-out again than eat one of the kappa's hodgepodge stir-fries."

"Hakkai and I just got back, and I was out all morning with you. I don't want to go out again. If you want take-out, you get it," returned Gojyo.

"I'll go with Hakkai again if you keep Sanzo company and set the table up in here so we can sit with him." Goku glanced at his teacher for a nod of confirmation.

"Yeah, whatever," said Gojyo.

"I'm quite capable of joining you at the table in the other room," put in Sanzo.

"No," Hakkai and Goku said together. "Maybe tomorrow," Hakkai added to allay the monk's further protest.

The four looked over the menu Hakkai and Goku had brought back with them the previous day, then the pair set off again to get their meal, Hakkai determined to continue their conversation about healing to avoid a repeat of the previous evening's topic.

They were only a few blocks from the inn, dinner in hand, when Goku stopped walking, distracted from their discussion. He cocked his head, as though listening for something outside Hakkai's range of hearing.

'"Goku?"

The wiry youth broke into a run. "Hakkai, something's wrong… Sanzo… "

Hakkai heard nothing more, but knew not to question Goku's sixth sense about Sanzo. The healer's surge of speed and longer stride brought him back to the inn a few paces ahead of Goku, a shot from Sanzo's gun and a ferocious yell their unwelcome greeting. 

***TBC***

UltraM2000, I failed to welcome you to my reading/reviewing public at the end of the last chapter. Welcome aboard and thanks for your review! Another BIG THANKS to those of you who have been reviewing almost every chapter. After putting all the time into this, it really is gratifying to know there are a few people out there who enjoy it. I'm glad you like the pacing, Naye. I worried that it might be a little too slow in some places; but I really enjoyed taking time to develop the characters and the feelings behind where they're going in this. Your long comments are much appreciated. ^_^


	9. Part II: 6

Part II 

_Chapter 6_

The inn door had been broken down, and the innkeeper was unconscious on the floor at the foot of the stairwell. Goku and Hakkai took the stairs two at a time and burst into their rooms one after the other to the sound of a second gunshot. Sanzo was kneeling on one knee beside his bed, one arm clutched around his ribs, the other extended with the pistol, his aim steady. The shot felled a fierce youkai looming over Gojyo's stricken form before another huge creature made a leaping grab for Sanzo's throat. 

Goku was on the youkai's back, throttling him with Nyoibou, before his claws reached their target. Sanzo twisted to fire another shot at a smaller youkai rifling through his robes in search of the sutra. 

"Gojyo!" Hakkai shouted. He got no response.

Two more youkai shifted their weapons as they transferred their attack from the unresponsive man at their feet to the one who called him. Before they could cross the few feet to Hakkai, they were each met by a blast of ki from his hands, the chest of one shattered by the energy. The other was diverted but not killed, the confines of the small room having limited Hakkai's ability to charge the blasts fast enough to fully control their release.

With Sanzo's attacker down, Goku turned his staff on the one disoriented by Hakkai's ki blast, smashing his skull. "Hakkai, the window!" he yelled, directing the other man's attention to another youkai swinging through the window to the gardens below. A flash of ki blazed through the garden, dropping the youkai with a scream before he reached the perimeter of the forest. 

Before the retreating assassin fell to the ground, Hakkai turned back to the fallen man in the room. "Gojyo—"

"Sanzo—" Goku simultaneously dropped to his knees beside the monk.

Sanzo waved the younger man away. "I'm okay. See to Gojyo. Three of them were on him by the time we knew they were in the room."

Goku helped Sanzo back to the bed, then knelt opposite Hakkai. Gojyo was sprawled on his back between them, his arm twisted awkwardly at the elbow, a small pool of blood barely visible as it puddled under his red hair. Hakkai was checking for further injuries before attempting to move him. He took a brief count of his pulse—too fast; pried his eyelids up and checked his pupils—dilated and glassy. "Gojyo." He brushed the hair off his friend's forehead, hoping his voice and touch would recall him to consciousness, hesitant to move him before he could ascertain the extent of the concussion. "Sanzo, do you know whether they struck him or if he hit his head when he fell?"

"Not sure. It happened too fast. One of them had a club, but Gojyo was fast enough to block at least one blow. He knifed the first one that came at him, but three more jumped him when he tried to intercept the ones coming for me—stupid kappa." A shadow crossed his face. "I was slow getting my gun… he was down before I shot the second time."

"Goku, please bring me cool water and a cloth." By the time Goku returned with the requested bowl of water, Gojyo was stirring. When Hakkai bathed his face and forehead, he came to suddenly, disoriented; he bolted upright, arms flailing at his caretaker, only to drop back with a grunt of pain, semi-comatose again, when he jostled the broken arm.

The knowledge that Gojyo's neck and spine were apparently unhurt reduced Hakkai's anxiety about moving him. He slipped an arm under his shoulders and raised him slightly, using his other hand to explore the back of his head where the rivulet of blood had matted the red hair. "This is the worst of it," he said. "His scalp is cut and he's getting a pretty bad lump, but the bone seems to be intact."

"Gojyo… " He brushed a hand across the half-youkai's forehead again, this time holding his shoulders tightly enough to prevent him from bolting. Gojyo's eyes fluttered open, pupils still wide; he winced again, tried to speak, but managed only an incomprehensible mumble. "Stay still," Hakkai ordered him firmly. "Goku, I don't think I can manage his weight with my shoulder still sore."

Goku helped Hakkai lift Gojyo to the other bed and turn him onto his side so the healer could get a better look at his head. Hakkai cleaned the blood from his hair, then placed one palm over the torn flesh, the glow of ki warming Gojyo's scalp as the slender fingers of his other hand massaged and mended the wound. He made Gojyo as comfortable as he could, then turned his attention to the broken arm.

"Gojyo." This time the other's eyes opened more quickly, although he still had trouble focusing. 

"Hakkai?"

"Yes. Can you hear me?"

He nodded vaguely, but closed his eyes again, dizzy.

"I'm going to set your arm. It's going to hurt."

"Hurts like hell already," he responded, his words slurred.

 "Goku, I'll need a splint and bandages to keep his arm stable after I set the bone." The break was clean enough that Hakkai was able to reset the bone without difficulty. Gojyo bit back a cry of pain, but drew his breath sharply, his head reeling. The nausea he had been fighting since Hakkai and Goku moved him from the floor overcame him, and he vomited over the side of the bed, then fell back, exhausted. He was barely aware of Hakkai bandaging his arm while Goku cleaned up, dragged the bodies of the youkai attackers into a pile by the door, then retreated to the other side of the room to check on his own patient.

"I'm fine," the monk insisted, refusing to cooperate when Goku attempted to check his bandages and insure that he hadn't re-injured his lung or back. 

"Damn it, Sanzo, you were fighting off an attack when you should have been resting. There's new blood on your bandages. And you're nearly as pale and clammy as you were two days ago."

"Of course I'm sweating, bakazaru. We did have to exert ourselves a little. But I don't need you pawing me to make matters worse."

"Even a bakazaru like me can tell you're hurting. Stop being an ungrateful bastard and let me change your bandages and check the damage. Hakkai may be able to help." 

The monk glanced darkly in Gojyo's direction, more worried than he was willing to admit and angry at himself for not responding faster to the attack. "Hakkai's busy enough."

"Right. All the more reason for you to let me treat you."

The monk scowled, but sat up, stony-faced, on the edge of the bed, so Goku could unwrap the soiled bandages. He winced and sucked in his breath when the younger man touched his injured side, pulled his fan seemingly out of thin air, and cracked it across Goku's head and shoulder. "Damn it, bakazaru, if you can't be more careful keep your fucking hands off—" 

His anxiety high, Goku's temper flared. Expecting him to cringe and back off as always, Sanzo was stunned when Goku instead yanked the harisen out of his hand before he could get the rest of his sentence out. Pulling himself to his full height, the youth loomed over Sanzo and flung the offending implement across the room. "I told you to stop hitting me with your goddamn fan, Sanzo! I am not a bakazaru, and I'm only trying to help. I'm tired of you hitting me every time you don't like how something's going! And I'm not a dumb little kid anymore that you can beat into doing whatever you want!… Don't… do it… again! Or I swear I'll hit you back!"

Sanzo froze for a moment, staring at the younger man, too surprised to respond.

Goku stared back, his jaw set, face flushed with anger, muscles and fists clenched in a fighting stance.

Across the small room, Hakkai was equally immobile, his attention drawn from Gojyo, his mouth agape and an eyebrow raised in both consternation and astonishment.

"Baka," the monk finally growled. But he averted his eyes, took up the loose end of the bandage, and started to finish the unwinding that Goku had begun.

The confrontation past, Goku relaxed, momentarily flustered, surprised himself at the intensity of his reaction. Then he determinedly stepped close to Sanzo again, took the bandage from him as it unwrapped to a point beyond which the monk could twist to reach, and continued the task. Sanzo submitted to the examination and re-bandaging in utter silence.

* * *

Sleep eluded all four men that night. Goku and Hakkai took turns guarding Gojyo, waking him regularly through the night to ensure he did not slip back into unconsciousness and to check his lucidity and ability to speak and move.

While awaiting his turn to watch, Goku lay in bed listening to the rain that had begun shortly after he and a few townspeople had carried the youkai bodies away and he, Hakkai, and Sanzo had finally eaten some dinner. In the damp, heavy atmosphere, he was unable to suppress his thoughts of Sanzo and his doubts and questions about their feelings for each other. Why had he turned on Sanzo tonight? Why did it matter so much whether Sanzo hit him with the stupid fan?… It hadn't mattered before this week. What had stopped Sanzo from arguing with him tonight? Was he still angry, or was something else provoking his silence?

He listened to the monk's breathing in the adjacent room, not quite slow and even enough to be that of sleep, but regular enough to tell that his lung was mending and to suggest that Sanzo wanted them to think him asleep. But he knew the rain would keep Sanzo awake and restless. He tuned into Hakkai's and Gojyo's subdued voices, heard the stress in Hakkai's and knew that he was worried not only for Gojyo, but also about another attack.

When Hakkai failed to come for him at the agreed-upon time, he rose and padded into the other room. Gojyo was dozing, brow slightly furrowed. Hakkai's dark silhouette blocked what little light came in the window, his hands clenched on the sill.

"Hakkai, your turn to get some rest." 

"Yes," said Hakkai absently. But when he finally left the window, he stopped beside Gojyo, touching his shoulder and calling him softly. 

Gojyo awakened slowly and took a minute to focus on Hakkai's face, bent over his.

"Are you with us, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked.

"Mmm," he answered. 

"How's the arm?"

It took Gojyo a moment to find words. "Okay. Head hurts more." His speech was still slurred and slow in coming.

"I think it would be safe to give you something for that now. Goku, will you bring fresh water?" 

While Goku filled the water glass, Hakkai got two of the pain pills the doctor had given Sanzo and helped Gojyo sit up to take them. "Can you remember now what happened?"

Gojyo closed his eyes, trying to recall the attack. He shook his head slightly. "Remember you and Goku going out, and Sanzo complaining that you were being noisy coming in. Remember grabbing the knife. The rest is fuzzy… I think I heard Sanzo's gun going off." His brow furrowed. "The rest is blank."

"It's okay. You took a pretty hard hit. It's surprising you haven't lost more than that. Do you think you can manage a short walk?"

Gojyo still dizzied easily when he tried to stand, choked back nausea as his head reeled with the change in position.

"Never mind," said Hakkai. "Maybe tomorrow… Goku, please be sure to wake him once every hour or so and keep him talking for a few minutes. Give him two more pills in a few hours if he needs them. If you can, try to get him walking around a little in the morning."

Hakkai bade the two good night and half closed the door between the two rooms. But he was too restless to sleep. He readied himself for bed, but instead sat beside the window watching the rain form rivulets across the glass. His thoughts returned to his conversation with Goku about his feelings for Gojyo and to the confusion about his feelings that had marked his behavior with the half-youkai all day. His stomach knotted each time his mind came back to the image of Gojyo lying on the floor unconscious, the youkai looming over him, blade ready to strike.

Over and over again, his thoughts returned to the many incidents between himself and Gojyo that confirmed Goku's perception of their relationship, chief among them the steadily reduced amount of time Gojyo had spent in the brothels in the last year or two. Hakkai tried to recall how long it had been before their trip since his roommate had brought a girl home to their place from a bar. Even more obvious was Gojyo's sensitivity to his moods and energy level… Did he ever fail to notice a change in his mood, as he had today? Was he ever not beside him when he had exhausted his ki in a bad fight followed by a healing? Hakkai heard again the concern in Gojyo's voice—even while swearing at him—after he had healed Sanzo the other night. He felt again the strength and warmth of Gojyo's hand on his as he leaned over him in the jeep to take over driving after the incident in the dessert with Kougaiji.

But didn't he look out for Sanzo and Goku that way, too? Wasn't that just Gojyo's way with his friends? Hakkai tried to tell himself it was, but he could no longer ignore the smaller clues to the contrary—Gojyo's lingering touch when he had helped clean up the broken mug last night, his held breath when their shoulders touched at the stove this morning, the brief but charged touch of his hand on his back as they parted. 

Hakkai warmed to the recollection of Gojyo's ready smile whenever he teased Goku or won at cards; warmed uncomfortably when he recalled not only his teasing smile, but his musky scent and the sleek muscles of his arms and shoulders, skin glistening with sweat, as he dug graves in the last village. Hakkai closed his eyes and wrung the image from his mind, willing away his attraction to the other man. His mind's eye filled instead with the image of the dark red eyes behind the fall of wine-red hair… and the stench of all the blood he had shed washed over him as a wave of guilt rolled over him.

The picture of Gojyo lying on the floor tonight, his arm twisted and hair matted with blood came back to him again with more force, and his chest constricted. He swallowed again the feeling of fear and loss that had choked him when he opened the door to that scene. That image blurred into his memory of Kanan lying on the floor of the cell in the youkai castle, and a wrenching emptiness threatened to smother him. He clenched his fists. _I cannot_,_will not, let myself feel that way again_.

From his bed in the smaller room, Sanzo could just make out Hakkai's dark silhouette through the half-open door. He saw him clench his fists and stiffen, and he knew from their many conversations on rainy nights where Hakkai's memories had taken him. His eyes roamed to Gojyo, and he felt a sympathy for him that he would never admit aloud, knowing how the half-youkai felt about Hakkai and understanding Hakkai's inability to return the feeling.

Master Koumyou's words came back to him as they had so many times in the last ten years:_ Have nothing. Live without being imprisoned or tied to anything. _He felt, momentarily, the stubborn pride that he had been successful in achieving that, where his companions had not.

But when his surreptitious gaze wandered further, to Goku, he felt a sense of possessiveness and the pull of a seldom-acknowledged tie as surely as if an unbreakable thread bound him to the boy. He heard in his memory Kami-sama's plea: _I don't understand… you have so many things. That's so unfair. Will you give them to me?_ His answer had surprised even himself. _No… I intend to have my own interpretation rather than being bound by the words, 'Have nothing.'_

He studied Goku, sitting in the corner with a low light on, pouring again over one of Hakkai's books, and he suddenly realized how much older the boy looked. He tried to recall the younger, more innocent face of the monkey child he'd brought down from the mountain prison, but saw instead the harder lines and darker shadows of concentration and worry. Saw instead the same determination the boy had shown in forcing them all to play Mahjong until they realized that the strategy they needed to beat Kami-sama was in their unfailing confidence that they could not lose if they trusted each other and worked as a team.

Goku's angry words earlier this evening rang in his ears: _I am not a bakazaru… I'm tired of you hitting me every time you don't like how something's going! And I'm not a dumb little kid anymore!_

"Bullshit," he thought. But in the dark of the night, he nearly smiled at Goku throwing the harisen, and he felt a sort of pride in the youth for standing up to him. He recalled how many times he had woken to Goku's touch and voice drawing him out of his nightmares yesterday, and even as he thought, "Baka," the epithet faded in the face of the affection he had felt when he woke to the young man slumped over his bed, asleep after his loyal vigil.

With the renewed sense of affection came another feeling Sanzo couldn't identify, but it made him uncomfortable and out of sorts with himself. He turned away and rolled onto his side to face the wall as though to hide his thoughts as he tried to hide his wakefulness.

* * *

Hakkai awakened stiff and groggy in the chair by the window, where he had fallen into a restless doze near dawn. Goku's and Gojyo's voices drifted in to him, followed by Sanzo's surly swearing. 

"Shut up, you fucking idiots, and let a sick man sleep!"

Goku ignored him and encouraged Gojyo to keep talking, subconsciously registering the thought that Sanzo sounded more himself so must be feeling better.

"I think I need that walk Hakkai wanted me to take," said Gojyo, planting his feet on the floor. His words were less slurred, Hakkai noted.

Gojyo paused before walking, waited for the continued dizziness to pass, resisted reaching for Goku's nearby shoulder to steady himself. His head was still throbbing. He took a step or two in the wrong direction before he remembered where the bathroom was.

Goku frowned at the mis-step, put his hand on Gojyo's back to steady him, and offered his shoulder for support. The older man pushed him away. "I'm not an invalid, monkey boy. Get yourself another fucking patient." He made it to the bathroom under his own power, but sagged in the doorway when he came back out.

"Stubborn cockroach," said Goku as he slipped under Gojyo's arm and steered him back to bed.

"Asshole. I thought you weren't planning to touch me 'til I begged for it."

"Beats picking your dumb ass up off the floor." Goku deposited him on the bed rather more roughly than he intended.

"Damn!" complained Gojyo. "Your bedside manner needs work, stupid ape."

"Shut up, noisy idiots," Sanzo demanded. He rose from his own bed and stalked stiffly to the other room in search of Hakkai and some peace.

"Sanzo—"

The monk glared at Goku. "Don't you dare tell me to stay in bed again today, baka."

Goku shut his mouth.

Sanzo dropped into the chair opposite Hakkai and joined him in contemplating the continuing drizzle outside the window. He reached for the pack of cigarettes and lighter on the table.

Without a glance in his direction, Hakkai's hand removed the pack and lighter and slipped them into his shirt pocket before Sanzo had a chance to touch them. "The doctor said no smoking until your lung is completely healed, if you care to live. At least six weeks. Besides, these are Gojyo's."

Sanzo sneered.  Eventually he asked whether Hakkai had anything in mind for breakfast.

"Are you in the mood for anything in particular?" Hakkai asked, conciliatory.

"Whatever."

A few minutes later Hakkai turned from the window and fell into the usual morning routine. When he brought a tray in to Goku and Gojyo a short while later, he took a few minutes to ask Gojyo how he was feeling and check his heart rate. He greeted them with his typical, cheerful, "Good morning" and light smile, but his manner was distant, and he returned to eat with Sanzo in the other room as soon as he was certain Gojyo was doing better.

Gojyo's eyes followed him, keenly aware of the failure of his smile to reach his eyes and the dark circles of sleeplessness beneath them.

Goku watched Gojyo as Gojyo watched Hakkai. "He's worried about you," he commented, hoping to mitigate the sting of Hakkai's aloofness.

"Yeah," said Gojyo. But he knew there was more to it than that.

"How bad off is the kappa?" Sanzo asked Hakkai when they had finished eating.

"Bad enough. The break was clean. He heals fast enough that he should be using his arm normally within a couple weeks—a few days, given his obstinacy; but it'll be a few weeks before he regains full strength. It's the concussion that worries me. He must have been hit pretty hard. He has no memory of the fight or anything just after he came to. He's talking more normally this morning, but he's still disoriented. He's trying to make light of it, but I can tell his head is killing him, and he's getting dizzy when he moves too quickly. I think it might be safe to let him get some sleep today. That might help."

"How many days does he need?"

"You're not thinking of getting back on the road anytime soon," Hakkai stated more than asked. "You're not in any shape to travel yourself yet, Sanzo."

Sanzo shrugged. "I don't think it's a good idea to stay in any one place too long at this point, do you?"  They exchanged a long, direct look, each reading in the other's expression the recognition of the dangers inherent both in their moving on unprepared and in their staying here, vulnerable.

Hakkai went to his pack to get their map. He laid it out on the table so he and Sanzo could consider the best place to go from here. They agreed that an unexpected change in direction might throw off their pursuers and would bring them within easier reach of a nearby town.

"Tomorrow?" suggested Sanzo.

"Not before the day after," said Hakkai. Sanzo scowled, but didn't argue.

* * *

When Gojyo next awakened, Sanzo was the one to greet him from the chair beside his bed. "About time you wake up, kappa. Our idiot nursemaids are beginning to worry about you again."

Gojyo pushed himself up on his elbows and forearms, wincing as he jarred the broken arm.

"Better watch that." Sanzo reached for an extra pillow and stuffed it behind Gojyo's shoulders so he could take the pressure off his arm.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the drone of Goku's and Hakkai's voices drifting in to them from the other room. Gojyo strained to hear what they were saying. "Don't tell me they're still at it with the healing lessons," he asked.

Sanzo nodded. "For hours now. Damned if I know how Hakkai has the patience to put up with it."

"Not exactly your strong point, monk. What I find more amazing is the monkey's attention span for it."

Sanzo shrugged, wondering about that himself. A few minutes later he asked Gojyo if he was hungry, gesturing to a tray on the table near the bed. "Lunch, if you want some."

"Is it that late?"

"Two," said Sanzo. 

Goku appeared in the doorway. "You're up… How's the head?"

"Better," said Gojyo, not elaborating. 

"Still dizzy?"

"Less so."

"Hungry?"

"Thirsty."

Sanzo pushed his chair back as Goku bustled into the room, plumped the pillows, and helped Gojyo get comfortably seated, then handed him a glass of water from the tray, along with two more pain pills. After he had taken a drink, Goku placed a plate with a sandwich in his lap.

By then Hakkai was leaning on the doorframe watching the three. "Go easy, Gojyo." He walked to the window, scanned the garden and forest edge for signs of trouble.

"Any more problems?" asked Gojyo.

"No," said the others together.

"But I don't intend to wait around for more to find us," said Sanzo. "We're out of here as soon as you're up to going."

Hakkai glared at the monk. "The day after tomorrow is the soonest I'm letting either one of you get into the jeep." He reached up to pet the white dragon on his shoulder. Hakuryuu had made himself scarce the last few days, but had stayed nearby since the evening's attack and seemed as restless as Sanzo to move on."

"I think I'll be up to going tomorrow," Gojyo remarked.

Hakkai's glare turned on him. "Yes. And if another forty youkai descend on us, I'm sure the two of you will be thoroughly up to the task of taking them on… about like you did last night."

Gojyo looked away, slightly sheepish.

"Is anyone else hungry for a snack?" Goku asked, attempting to fill the awkward silence that ensued. He looked from one to the other, a shake of one head his only response. "How about a game of Mahjong? Are you up to it, Gojyo?"

"I prefer not," said Hakkai. "I have some reading I'd like to finish." He used his book as his excuse to leave them and return to the other room.

"How about cards?" Sanzo asked Gojyo.

"How about a smoke?" Gojyo asked, pushing the unfinished sandwich away.

"No way!" exclaimed Goku, taking the plate.

"Asshole," said Gojyo. He settled for a game of cards with the monk, but tired enough to sleep again before they had finished two hands.

During their evening meal Sanzo and Hakkai reviewed with Gojyo and Goku their plans to alter their route and head for a nearer town, skirting the deep forest and lower population area they had to traverse until they had a chance to regain their strength. "Wouldn't it be better to just stick it out here until we can handle the more direct route?" asked Gojyo.

"Possibly," said Sanzo. "But three other people here were hurt last night. They may have written this off as the kind of random youkai attack they've been getting since the Minus Wave, but these were clearly more assassins after us. I'll be happier if we can keep moving frequently enough and unexpectedly enough not to invite them back here or follow us into other towns. People in these parts are dealing with enough shit already."

"If we zigzag rather than continuing due west, our movements may be a little less predictable," added Hakkai. But they all knew their ultimate path was becoming more dangerous, and their limits were being tested.

Hakkai and Goku took turns keeping watch again that night, less concerned for Sanzo and Gojyo now that they were both out of immediate danger, but unwilling to take a chance at being caught off guard again. Even when they took their turns to rest, neither did more than doze. 

Near dawn the next morning, Sanzo nudged Goku out of an exhausted stupor, his head drooping on the window sill in the larger room. The moment Sanzo touched him he startled into attention. Sanzo motioned him to silence. "Go to bed and get some sleep, idiot. You're good for nothing in this state. Hakkai finally seems to have fallen asleep, and I'm better rested by now than either of you. I'll watch." He sat in the opposite chair and placed his loaded pistol in easy reach on the table beside him.

Goku nodded, too tired to argue, and dragged himself to the bed Sanzo had vacated so Gojyo wouldn't be left alone in the smaller room. Finally assured that Sanzo could manage, he fell almost immediately into the deepest sleep he'd had in what seemed like weeks.

***TBC***

Well, I don't know if I've suddenly picked up a few new readers, or if some of you have been here right along and just decided to make yourselves known, but…  Welcome, DivineAngel, Altealice, kitiara_uth_matar, and Nightfall Rising. (Love your 58 stories, Nightfall; I hope you'll continue to enjoy what I'm doing with this pair—and the other pair.  ^_~  On nitpicking: 'Tis okay; means you're invested enough in reading this to consider the details worth a second thought. I don't expect everyone to agree with my interpretations, and my beta readers' nitpicking definitely made me rethink a thing or two).

I'm glad most of you are enjoying the detail and slow progress. Crimson and Blades of Ice, please don't go insane; there's enough insanity in the world already without you holding me responsible for more.

Kitiara, you asked what's going on with Hakkai and Gojyo. If you don't already know this, the numbers (58 and 93) that I and other Saiyuki writers refer to in story summaries stand for romantic pairings, in this case Gojyo(5) with Hakkai(8) and Goku(9) with Sanzo(3). Those designations were included in my summary to alert readers that they will find those couplings in this story… in fact, that's what this story is all about. If you don't like to see the guys paired off romantically—or you find such pairings offensive—consider those designations a warning. If you already knew this and are just wondering where I'm going with these two, stay tuned; there's more to come. I hope by the time you get to the end, I'll have convinced you that it just couldn't be any other way.  ^_^

FINALLY: For those of you who were following X-parrot's positively wonderful "Remembering to Breathe" Saiyuki fic until she stopped updating to write GetBackers and FMA, she has—AT LONG LAST!—posted chapter 15. Yea, X-parrot!! Please stick with it now. Hopefully we'll find out soon how this excellent plot-twister ends!


	10. Part II: 7

Part II 

_Chapter 7_****

Hakkai woke with a start when the sun was fully risen, surprised to find that he had actually fallen asleep. Seeing Sanzo in Goku's seat by the window, he poked his head into the smaller room and closed the door when he found both Goku and Gojyo sleeping soundly. "Good morning," he greeted Sanzo, taking the seat opposite. "You're feeling better then?"

Sanzo nodded. "Well enough."

"May I?" Hakkai pulled his chair beside Sanzo's and gestured his intention to examine him.

"You're as bad as the fool monkey," Sanzo complained; but he allowed the healer to check his pulse and breathing and give him as thorough an examination as he wanted.

"How bad is the pain today?" Hakkai asked, his tone encouraging an honest response.

"It's there. Nothing like two days ago." He caught his breath and winced when Hakkai explored the yellowing bruise on his side a little more forcefully. "Damn. You do it on purpose, don't you?"

Hakkai smiled. "Always happy to provide the necessary reality check… Your color's definitely better. And you seem to be breathing easier."

"Yes, and it's easier to talk."

"You've got a way to go, Sanzo." The smile was gone, his expression serious. "Don't push it. I'm good, but I can't work miracles. And we might not be so lucky to have a decent surgeon nearby next time."

"You worry too much."

"And you're too careless. If you won't think about yourself, then have a care for Goku and me. You're exhausting our resources." He smiled again. 

"Ch'," said Sanzo. "Your problem. It's your responsibility to look out for yourselves."

Hakkai slid his chair back into its place opposite the monk's and looked thoughtfully out the window for a few minutes. "Things might get interesting if Goku continues looking out for himself as well as he's begun to." The corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes were teasing when Sanzo's met them, questioning. "I suggest you keep that fan inside your robes if you don't want it coming down on your own head next time you take it out."

Sanzo colored very slightly, not realizing Hakkai had witnessed that exchange. "That baka. He wouldn't dare."

"He's been doing some growing up along this journey, Sanzo. And some hard thinking. I wouldn't underestimate him."

"And perhaps you're overestimating. Seems you've become rather fond of him lately. But do you really expect to be able to teach him the kind of healing skills you practice?"

"Yes, I do—to some extent, anyway. What he lacks in native skill he makes up for in commitment and sheer will. And yes, I have become fond of him. And no, I don't think I am overestimating. He's earned my respect. Open your eyes, Sanzo. He is not the kid you found on the mountain. In reality, he's not so very much younger than us, and in some ways he's far older. And while you've been sleeping this last week, he's been growing into himself."

Not having a response, Sanzo looked away and fell silent, again troubled by the uncomfortable feeling he had experienced two nights before when he first realized himself the subtle changes in Goku's look and manner.

* * * 

By the time Goku and Gojyo awakened in mid-morning, Hakkai had breakfast waiting and Sanzo was beginning to pack their things, still sore, but so anxious to get back on the road that he was becoming unpleasant company.

As on the previous day, Hakkai greeted them amiably, but was otherwise distant with Gojyo, examining his arm and asking enough questions to determine that his headache had lessened and his behavior was returning to normal, but barely taking time to talk.

"Any more dizziness or trouble with balance?" he asked.

"Only if I move too fast when I first get up," said Gojyo.

"And the arm?"

"A little sore, but not particularly painful. The splint and sling are a bitch. When can they come off?"

"The sling tomorrow, if you're careful not to overdo it and can move your arm without pain. The splint… two weeks. Maybe less if you take it easy." 

Gojyo groaned, reaching for his cigarettes on the nightstand.

"Not in here, please," said Hakkai, quick to grab them with the dishes and stray trash he was picking up.

Gojyo gritted his teeth, losing patience. "Join me outside then?"

"I'd prefer you wait a few days. Your brains are addled enough from the concussion without depriving them of oxygen. You survived yesterday without them."

"Barely."

"Try." Hakkai carried the cigarette pack to the other room with the tray and the other things he had picked up.

"Damn!" Gojyo paced to the window, back to the bed, back to the window, his craving growing with his thoughts concentrated on the deprivation. On his next turn across the room, he followed Hakkai and took the cigarettes off the tray. "I'm going out. Are you coming?"

"No. I'm busy. Ask Goku." His voice was as controlled as always, but he slammed a pot into the sink when Gojyo stalked out the door by himself.

Goku had followed Gojyo into the larger room, and, without being asked, had picked up Gojyo's vest and his own jacket. He glanced at Sanzo, rolling his eyes, then continued out the door after the redhead, running to catch up as Gojyo rounded the corner of the inn into the gardens. He nearly collided with him on the other side, Gojyo having gotten dizzy enough from the anger and rapid pace that he was forced to stop and bend over, head down and hands on knees, to catch his breath and regain his equilibrium. 

"Bastard," he swore under his breath as he stood up and fumbled to light a Hi-Lite. He took a long drag on the cigarette and promptly went into a spasm of coughing and another dizzy spell.

Goku took his elbow and steered him to the nearest bench.

Gojyo shook off Goku's arm and sat down heavily. "Who the hell does he think he is anyway? I'm getting damn sick of being told what to do. This whole thing is getting to be too damn much trouble!"

Goku said nothing, handed him his vest, and waited for him to calm down.

"How the hell am I supposed to put this on with this crap?" Gojyo indicated the sling on his arm. He threw the vest onto the ground and took another drag on his cigarette, slower this time. Tilting his head back, he blew the smoke out in a long exhalation that released some of his tension with it.

Goku picked up the vest, untied the knot on the sling and removed it, helped Gojyo into the vest, then retied the sling.

"It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't always so stinking right. He's so damn smug about it," continued Gojyo. Another puff on the cigarette, then he crushed it under his boot. "Fuck. I can't even enjoy this." He stood up and began pacing the gravel walkway.

Goku drew another cigarette from the pack Gojyo had left on the stone bench and lit it, handing it to him when he came back up the path. "You know it's his way of showing how stressed out he is. He worries about you as much as you do about him."

Gojyo sat down again, released another breath of smoke. "Yeah, sure. That's why he's barely even talked to me the last two days, and every time I get near him he freezes."

Goku cringed, knowing the questions he had forced on Hakkai three evenings ago had something to do with that, and realizing that Gojyo had lost his temper as much because of that as because of the cigarette issue.

"If it had been the other way around, he wouldn't have been out of my sight until I knew he was totally well." The second half-smoked cigarette, marginally shorter, went the way of the first.

"He does care, Gojyo, as much as you do, I'm sure. But I think it scares him. I think he's afraid if he cares too much he might do the same thing he did before." Goku looked at his hands, not sure what else to say.

"Well I'm not so sure I care all that much," Gojyo retorted. "Fuck, what the hell am I talking about anyway?"  He stomped down the walkway again, angry now that he had shared more with Goku than he had intended to. He lit a third cigarette. "Cripes, I'm wasting these, and it's the last pack I've got." He sat down on a bench at the far end of the walkway and paid more attention to this smoke, getting every puff he could out of the narrow cylinder before he reached the filter. 

Goku left him alone until he crushed the butt under his heel, then he walked down and joined him. "Ready to go in?"

"I suppose."

Hakkai and Sanzo were playing cards again when the other two returned. "Did you have a nice break?" Hakkai asked coolly.

"Yes, as a matter of fact we did," Gojyo responded, equally polite. He picked up the novel he had begun a few days before and collapsed onto the bed with it, but found that his head still hurt too much to read, and the words refused to come into focus.

He dragged himself up again to get himself a drink of water, paused, momentarily unsteady again, before walking to the sink.

Hakkai watched Gojyo out of the corner of his eye, his expression darkening when the redhead swayed, ready to jump up and catch him if he passed out; but he gave no other indication that he was paying attention.

Sanzo watched Hakkai and wondered how much longer they would play this stupid game. "Idiots," he muttered under his breath. "It's your turn, Hakkai," he called the brunette's attention back to the card game.

"Yes," said Hakkai, but he didn't appear to be paying much attention to his hand.

Sanzo knew just how distracted Hakkai was when he won the hand himself even though he was certain Hakkai had better cards. He would have felt relieved to finally break for lunch if the silence among the four of them had not been palpable as they sat down together. Even Goku pushed more noodles around his plate than he ate. 

"So what's wrong with you, bakazaru?" Sanzo prodded.

Goku's eyes flashed. "I am **not **a bakazaru."

"Since when?" asked Gojyo, his insult so automatic he didn't think about it.

Hakkai caught Gojyo's eye and shook his head in warning.

Goku slammed the glass he was holding onto the table, splashing soda on the others. "Fuck you." He stalked into the other room, sat cross-legged on the bed, and crouched over his anatomy book.

Hakkai cleaned up their lunch, Gojyo silently falling in to help. "You should get some more rest if you're still dizzy," Hakkai told him. "And if your head still hurts, you should take a couple more of these." He pulled the bottle of pain pills from his pocket and handed two to Gojyo.

"Thanks," said Gojyo. "You were right about the smoking. It made it worse."

"Sorry. I know it's hard on you."

They did the dishes together, the routine task dissipating some of the strain between them; then Hakkai joined Goku in the smaller room, leaving Gojyo and Sanzo to their own resources. "You've been studying hard, Goku. I think you might put the book down this afternoon."

"Neither one of them are in very good shape, Hakkai. If something happens to you, I have to know what to do."

"You can't learn everything at once, Goku. But if you want, I think we might try something else this afternoon."

Hakkai hoped that the meditation and relaxation techniques Goku had to learn to summon his ki might help both of them relax and improve their moods. He took the anatomy book from him and began explaining about ki and the need for concentration and the methods available to clear one's mind and calm one's body to achieve the necessary state. They spent the afternoon practicing, and both returned to the others before dinner in better frames of mind.

After dinner they packed their things and prepared to leave at daybreak, having decided that they would purchase supplies along the way rather than any of them separating to shop for things here. They retired early, Sanzo, Hakkai, and Goku having agreed on a schedule for guard duty; but none of them slept any more easily than they had the previous night.

When Hakkai turned his watch over to Goku and joined Gojyo in the smaller room, he found him thrashing and restless, apparently dreaming. He took a seat beside him and placed a soothing hand on his forehead. He sat for a few minutes after Gojyo calmed, trying again to sort out his feelings. When he finally rose, Gojyo reached for his hand to stop him.

Hakkai stayed, but went as rigid as he had nearly every time Gojyo had touched him or come close for the last three days.

"So that's the way it is," whispered Gojyo, releasing his hand. "I had thought a few days ago that we were coming to a different place."

Hakkai sighed deeply and looked to the window, his face shadowed in the clouded half-moonlight. "You want something from me that I can't give, Gojyo."

"Is it still so hard to let yourself feel?"

Hakkai was silent for a long time. "It's not a matter of hard or easy," he said finally. "I just can't. You know what Cho Gonou was. I can't allow myself to go there again."

Gojyo squeezed his eyes shut, then turned toward Hakkai, reaching again for his hand. "Cho Hakkai is not Cho Gonou. When Cho Hakkai realizes that he has, at last, atoned for Gonou's sins, I'll be here."

Hakkai pulled his hand free and stood up. "Don't wait, Gojyo. It's better if you move on." He withdrew to the other bed and lay on his back staring into the dark.

Neither spoke again. Neither slept.

* * *

In spite of their apprehension, the morning's trip was uneventful and as quiet as it ever got, with all four men absorbed in their own thoughts. Hakkai found more reasons to stop than usual, anxious to give Sanzo and Gojyo frequent opportunities for breaks from the bouncing of the jeep over the rough road.

They shopped at a small village half way to their destination to get food and supplies for the next day or two. Hakkai found a small apothecary to stock up on herbs and teas he could use to allay pain and soothe nerves; he also looked for more pain medication, having nearly exhausted the pills the surgeon had given Sanzo, and knowing that both he and Gojyo were still in need of them, their protests to the contrary notwithstanding. The group stopped for lunch in a small diner, wary of picnicking in the woods, and Hakkai explained to Goku over their meal what each of the herbs he had bought was for and how they differed from each other.

When they got back on the road, Gojyo dozed in the back seat, the crease in his brow a clear indication of his discomfort, even in sleep. Sanzo changed positions repeatedly, finding it next to impossible to get comfortable enough to rest. As the drive wore on, he became steadily more moody, alternately complaining about Hakkai's driving, the irritating direction of the sun, the too-hot breeze, the too-cool breeze, Goku's noise, Goku's silence. When Hakkai offered to stop for a break, Sanzo insisted he not. Goku suggested that Gojyo and the monk change places so Sanzo could use his lap as a cushion and sprawl across the back seat to give himself a break from sitting upright. "No," said Sanzo, he did not need the bakazaru for a pillow.

"Suit yourself," said Goku irritably. "But stop complaining if you won't let us do anything to help."

Sanzo rolled his newspaper into a tube to swat the cheeky boy, but a glance in Hakkai's direction made him think better of it. He sank into a surly silence.

It was mid-afternoon, and they were less than ten miles from the large village to which they were headed, when Goku froze, alert for the trouble they had hoped not to encounter. With Goku's warning, Hakkai had time to drive the jeep into the center of a large clearing where they had a clear view all around. They immediately pulled themselves together, fighting instincts overcoming both their moods and their injuries, and they had their weapons ready before the band of youkai crashed into them from the south and east, scythes and clubs swinging, mad screams deafening. 

Hakkai and Goku moved into forward positions toward the outside flanks of the attacking groups, one facing each of the directions from which the attackers advanced. The center was covered by Gojyo and Sanzo, who had taken protected positions behind their vehicle. Hakkai took a pair of the youkai out with ki blasts well before they reached the jeep. He recharged in time to blast two more just before they reached him.

Goku extended Nyoibou into the main body of the group bearing down on him, smashing into one's chest and lifting him on the staff, plowing him into the next pair. As the next ones closed in, he pulled the staff back to a shorter length and flung each end into the heads of creatures coming at him from either side, then spun and raised the weapon to block two huge blades crashing toward him. As he thrust the sword blades back, two shots from Sanzo's gun whizzed past him, dropping the wielders of the deadly weapons.

Gojyo spun the shakujou's blade toward the main body of the attack group, his usually smooth, rapid motion hampered by his splinted arm. As he let the weapon fly, the blade cutting through three attackers abreast, Hakkai ducked and rolled under the feet of the next one coming at him, its sword swiping into the space he had occupied a split second before. It's body fell forward over him, chest exploded by another shot from Sanzo's pistol.

The youkai group was as large as any they had dealt with recently, but the attack was not the coordinated effort they had encountered in the woods or in their rooms. It was clear within seconds that they were not dealing with assassins, but with random wave-deranged youkai whose main strategy was simply a moving wall of brute force, one after another plowing toward them. Sanzo was careful to use Jeep's cover as he fired one shot after another at the youkai, dropping as many as he had bullets for before they reached the vehicle. Gojyo ignored his arm and his throbbing head to cover for him while he reloaded the pistol, barely in time to shoot two creatures as they swarmed past Goku and Hakkai onto the jeep. 

Hakkai and Goku were both in the center of the fray, moving steadily farther from the jeep as they pushed forward, dodging blows from blades and clubs and felling one youkai after another, while Gojyo and Sanzo used their weapons to pick off the creatures getting past them. The fight too close and too fast for Hakkai to gather his ki, he was forced to draw the knife he rarely dared to use. He carved his way through the clawing bodies flowing toward him, hacking off arms that sought to stop him with clubs and blades.

When he reached the perimeter of the clearing, the charge had passed him, and he paused for a moment, grimacing at the slick red fluid dripping from his knife and hands. With effort he drove old images of his bloodied hands from his mind and re-sheathed the weapon. As he glimpsed Goku, far to his left, still battling with Nyoibou, he raised his hands toward the dozen youkai still plowing toward Sanzo and Gojyo, ki beginning to glow green in his palms. He screamed warning to Gojyo as a powerful youkai charged over the jeep's hood, raising his massive blade over Gojyo's head. 

Hakkai froze for a moment, choking on fear, knowing he could not release his blasts in time. His only awareness was of red and of blood—Gojyo's scarlet hair flying around his face as the blade dropped toward him; the crimson blood of the youkai he had just slain crawling on his arms and hands; the stench of blood in his clothes and hair, its sour tang in his mouth.

His mind registered, in slow motion, the fierce creature's fall before its weapon touched a hair of the red head, its chest blasted by Sanzo's gun. Simultaneously, four other youkai turned from the jeep, bearing down on him, drawn by his warning cry to Gojyo. But he remained, somehow, paralyzed by his fear for Gojyo and the wash of red and blood.

A series of images flashed through his mind in split-second bursts: his arms drenched in blood to the shoulders; his knife sinking into Kanan's belly by her own hand; Chin Iisou's knife slashing through his abdomen as he sank his newly acquired claws into Chin Iisou; Gojyo's red eyes meeting his dying green ones through a veil of red hair and rain; Gojyo tending his wounds, refusing to let him die; Gojyo's red head lying motionless on the floor in the inn, blood matting his hair; Gojyo waiting for his touch and backing off when it didn't come; the pain in Gojyo's eyes when he told him last night not to wait, that he could not give him the love he wanted.

He felt again the longing to die that had overcome him the night Gojyo had dragged his dying body out of the rain. He longed to stop the pain that had driven him to kill until he had lost his humanity. Longed to end the bloodshed. Longed to end the pain he was causing Gojyo now. Longed to give Gojyo a chance to start over with someone who would deserve and cherish his love.

He opened his eyes and watched the four youkai pound toward him, weapons flailing. And instead of releasing his charged ki at them, he closed his hands and waited for them to strike.

***TBC***


	11. Part II: 8

AN: I'm posting this chapter a couple days earlier than I expected to celebrate 100 reviews and to thank all my readers and reviewers for giving this little piece of fiction so much attention and positive feedback. (You would have had it last night if my server and fanfic.net had cooperated!) THANKS! Enjoy the end of Part II!

Part II Chapter 8 

"Hakkai-ai-i!" A triple cry of warning: from Goku on his left, the look in his eyes defeated and stricken as no amount of fighting save that with Kami-sama had ever made him feel; from Sanzo on the jeep, anger and disappointment warring in his face, his gun point blank in his direction; and from Gojyo, behind the jeep, blood-red hair windblown around his face, blood-red eyes wide with shock and agonizing fear.

Another series of split-second images broke through Hakkai's bloody paralysis: himself telling Goku not to fear being as strong as he could for those who relied on him; his own and Goku's hands working together to heal Sanzo's mangled body; Sanzo shooting Chin Iisou's seed from Gojyo's body, spilling his blood to save his life; himself serving as Sanzo's shield and Sanzo shooting through his shoulder to end Kami-sama's life; Gojyo's hand over his own on Jeep's steering wheel in the desert; the touch of Gojyo's hand on his shoulder, lending him strength to finish a healing; Gojyo's eyes meeting his through the veil of red hair and rain, insisting that he live beyond the pain.

Only a second had passed in bloody longing to die. Another in the call back to life. The youkai were two seconds closer, claws and weapons raised, when Hakkai swallowed the choking fear and bloody bile that had frozen him and spread his palms wide toward his attackers, his ki rapidly surging and blasting the two killers almost upon him. Sanzo's gun took out a third, and Gojyo's shakujou the last.

Hakkai recharged immediately and let fly two more blasts into the last of the youkai climbing over the jeep toward Sanzo and Gojyo, then ran to help Goku, who had been struck from behind by his last attacker when he paused to scream his frantic warning. He had rolled to his back as he dropped and had swung Nyoibou into the face of the youkai, crushing his skull. But he was slow to regain his feet.

He was sitting on the ground, dazed, holding his hand across the back of his head, when Hakkai squatted beside him. "Goku—"

The young man dropped his arm and tilted his head back. "Hakkai, why… "

Hakkai took Goku's hand and bowed his head. "Forgive me, Goku."

Their eyes met and Goku thought he saw some of what had passed through Hakkai's mind. "It's okay. But don't ever do that to us again."

"I promise I won't. Are you okay?"

"A little dazed. I'll be fine."

Hakkai helped him up and they walked together to the jeep, Sanzo and Gojyo waiting there, both torn between relief and anger. Hakkai met Gojyo's eyes briefly and saw that his fear was giving way to anger and frustration; his friend would not be able to give him the quick understanding that Goku had. He bowed his head, said nothing, and climbed into the jeep, waiting for the others to follow.

They were all shaken, but Gojyo became so angry in the face of Hakkai's reticence that he couldn't trust himself to speak. He slouched in Jeep's back seat smoking one cigarette after another, his eyes burning into the back of the dark-haired man in the driver's seat in front of him. Goku wanted to cool Gojyo's barely-contained rage, to explain Hakkai's feelings, but he didn't know what to say.

Their destination was near, and Sanzo suggested they drive there and get rooms immediately. Hakkai shouldered his pack, called Hakuryuu to follow him, and disappeared silently up the stairs to his room the minute Sanzo paid for it and handed him the key.

They had gotten two rooms, with beds enough for all of them. Sanzo and Goku had removed themselves a pace or two from the fuming redhead and were debating which of them should share which rooms, given Hakkai's and Gojyo's present foul moods. Goku insisted that they put Gojyo and Hakkai together to work this out.

"You can share the room with that damn fool tonight," Gojyo snarled to Sanzo, finally breaking his silence. "But first he's gonna get a fucking piece of my mind!" He grabbed his own pack and stalked up the stairs, Hakkai already well out of sight.

Not wanting the encounter, but certain Gojyo would follow him, Hakkai had left the door slightly ajar. He was sitting on one of the beds facing it, his head in his hands, elbows propped on his knees, when Gojyo slammed into the room.

Hakkai looked up, brushing his hand back through his hair. "We have neighbors. I suggest a little more care for noise," he admonished.

His polite tone increased Gojyo's anger proportionately, but the redhead closed the door quietly, the latch clicking loudly in the heavy silence that descended as he tried to bring his feelings under control.

"What the HELL was that, you goddamn fool?!" He tossed his backpack roughly onto the other bed and loomed over the other man.

In spite of his position below him, Hakkai managed to look evenly at Gojyo, his lips drawn in a tight line, his face a mask. "What?" he feigned ignorance.

"You know damn well what," Gojyo ground out.

"It was a mistake, Gojyo. Please leave it."

"Mistake my fucking ass!" His voice was rising. He struggled to keep it down. "You stood there just waiting for it!… No. No, actually, you **invited** it!"

"It was a momentary lapse, Gojyo. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I realized my mistake. I made up for it." This was all true, but he knew his words alone weren't convincing. "It will never happen again." His tone changed on that last—the confrontational tenor gone, penitent. 

Gojyo hardly noticed. "Momentary lapse… You made up for it… You scared the living hell out of me, you asshole!"

Hakkai couldn't help but see the overwhelming anxiety behind the anger. He met Gojyo's eyes fiercely, but said nothing.

"I know you, Hakkai. I know exactly what you were doing. But I thought we were way past your thinking like that anymore. You damn well better have changed your mind. For good. Because if you ever try anything like that again, I swear I'll kill you myself!"

Hakkai couldn't help smiling bitterly at the irony. "The end result would be the same, yes?"

Gojyo couldn't remember ever being so provoked by this man for whom he had come to care so much. Before he realized what he was doing, he closed the distance between them and raised his arm to swing at him, the full force of his fear and anger behind the blow. 

Hakkai stood up, but made no move to stop him or defend himself. Hakuryuu, however, squawked angrily and flew into Gojyo's face.

Gojyo nearly fell as he curbed himself in mid-swing, turning on his heel and slamming his fist into his own hand. He stood sideways to Hakkai, staring distantly out the window, hands clenched at his sides, broken arm throbbing.

"Fine, you self-centered bastard. Have it your way!" He spat the words out in a seething undertone. "No matter if you give up and the rest of us get killed trying to complete this stinking mission without you. No matter that after all these years of my trying to help you get over your screwed up hang-ups, you just go ahead and take the fucking easy way out the way you tried to in the first place. No matter to you if your fucking self-sacrifice leaves me with the same pain Kanan's death left you with! I'll be the one left alone this time, after all. And you'll finally be free… free of your goddamn relentless guilt… free of ever having to feel anything again… free of me.

"And if my grief drives me to kill a thousand fucking youkai because what they did to you—and what you did afterward—made you immune to ever taking the risk of loving me or anyone else, then it won't be on your head this time, will it?" His voice turned to ice, his red eyes fire. "I just hope there's no fool Gojyo there to pick up the pieces when I finally turn my knife on myself. Because I don't want to inflict on anyone else this hell of wanting someone so much who so badly doesn't want to be wanted."

He turned to leave; paused, shaking, desperately wanting Hakkai to stop him, but fearing that if he did, it would be only out of a sense of further self-sacrifice, not because his feelings were returned. He had said too much—couldn't stop, once he had begun, the flood of words and feelings he had held in check for so long.

When the silence behind him grew deafening, his back and shoulders stiffened with resolve. "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." He strode the few paces to the door, turned the handle, and wrenched it open before the silence was broken.

"Gojyo." He froze on the threshold in mid stride. He couldn't look back, knew that the pain Hakkai would see in his face would force him to make a decision that he had to make freely if he made it at all.

Long minutes passed before Hakkai crossed the room so silently that Gojyo felt rather than heard him come up behind him. Hakkai hung there without another word for what may have been only a minute, but felt to Gojyo like a lifetime. The half-youkai's throat was constricted, and he felt as though they were shrouded in thick fog. He could feel Hakkai's breath on the back of his neck, alien, it seemed, when his own breath was entirely suspended.

"Don't go." Hakkai's voice was thick, barely above a whisper. But his hand on Gojyo's shoulder was heavy and sure as he pressed him to turn back.

Red eyes searched green ones, but their owner stood still, waiting, arms at his sides, afraid to move.

Hakkai caressed Gojyo's face, his thumb tracing the double scar on his cheek. Gojyo released his long-held breath, leaned almost imperceptibly into the other's gentle touch, raised his own hand and placed it over Hakkai's, holding it in place.

Green eyes burned into red ones. "You don't have to beg for my love, Gojyo. You have it. It's not true that I don't want you. Not true that I don't want you to want me. I have never wanted to be free of you. I wanted you… to be free of me."

Gojyo closed his eyes, his throat constricting again, relief flooding through him, but every muscle in his body still taut.

"But you can't ask me not to be scared," Hakkai continued. "If I take the risk you ask of me, you can't expect me not to fear what I might do, what I might become, if I give myself to you as I did to Kanan and I lose you as I did her. Goku helped me see that I can love again. That it's you I love. You've shown me, over and over, that I can **be** loved again. But I can't… face… that kind of loss again, Gojyo." His voice broke with the struggle to put his feelings into words.

Gojyo's hand closed more tightly over Hakkai's, and he turned his face into it, kissing his palm. 

Hakkai took a small step closer. "I can't do this without being so scared it hurts. But please… don't let my fear drive you away." His breathing had slowed and was coming in ragged gasps.

Gojyo took Hakkai's head in both of his hands, winding his long fingers into the silky hair on either side of his narrow face. "You damn fool," he smiled deeply into the emerald eyes. "I haven't let that happen in four fucking years. Why would I let it scare me off now?"

He leaned in to kiss the slighter man, more gently than he had so often imagined their first kiss. Hakkai hesitated for a fleeting second, then pressed closer, wrapping one arm around Gojyo's back, tangling the fingers of his other hand into Gojyo's long hair. He yielded to the pressure of the lips on his, and they drank deeply, for a minute, of each other's mouths and tongues.

Gojyo forced himself to back off, reluctantly, when Hakkai began to tremble uncontrollably at Gojyo's yearning for more. He wrapped his arms around Hakkai, ignoring the pain in his arm, tenderly stroking Hakkai's shoulder and lower back with soothing hands to still his tremors. "I can't promise you that nothing will ever happen to me, Hakkai. But us cockroaches are damn hard to kill. And I can promise that I will never leave you as long as it's in my power to stay."

Hakkai returned the protective hug in equal measure, resting his head on Gojyo's shoulder, Gojyo's head resting against his. Slowly the trembling subsided, and his heart rate and breathing slowed to match those of the man who embraced him. They stood together in each other's arms for a long time as darkness gathered around them, each exquisitely sensitive to every nerve in the other's body, to each other's smell and touch, to the smallest of changes in each other's breathing and posture. 

Gojyo was motionless, afraid to awaken and discover the fragile moment was a dream. When Hakkai finally lifted his head, Gojyo subtly tightened his arms around him. Hakkai mirrored the possessive movement, locking Gojyo more tightly in his own arms to allay his apprehension. "I've made you wait a long time. I'm not going anywhere," he reassured him.

Hakkai's whispered breath on his neck made Gojyo's breath catch, his heart race. When the touch of Hakkai's lips followed the warm breath, first on his neck, then on his jaw, he could no longer hold back the need and longing he had so long suppressed. His arms tightened again into a crushing hold, his hips straining against Hakkai's. And when Hakkai's next caressing kiss reached his mouth, Gojyo returned it with the ferocity that had taken every ounce of his will to withhold minutes before. His mouth closed hungrily over Hakkai's, his tongue forcing entry into his mouth, tasting, exploring, demanding.

Hakkai met the demand with equal intensity, Gojyo's fervor releasing the passion that had been too long constrained behind his reserved façade. His kiss was bruising in response to Gojyo's exploration, his embrace unyielding as he steered them across the room.

Gojyo winced and cried out as they fell to the bed, at once in pain from the jar to his injured arm and in nearly unbearable ecstasy. Hakkai backed off slightly, breathless, concern in his eyes. "I've hurt you."

Gojyo managed a husky, "No. Don't stop," and pulled him back into the kiss. They strained against each other, and with the same instinctive sensitivity to each other's needs and feelings that they shared in fighting and in simple conversation, their hands tore into each other's clothing and found the burning places on each other's bodies that seared breath from their lungs and drove them surely and swiftly to frenzied climax.

It was Gojyo, afterwards, whose breathless panting resolved into uncontrollable tremors as they lay beside each other, spent. Hakkai turned to face him and closed his arms around him, pulling him close. He caressed his back and hair until the trembling stopped and their breathing and heartbeats slowed and synchronized until they seemed to share breath and pulse.

They drifted into sleep without thought for what might come later. For now this was more than enough.

***End Part II***

***Next up: Part III, First Kiss: Sanzo***

No cliffhanger this time, Blades of Ice, Kitiara, and Bakasaru Boi!  So you can stop sulking, BB (for the time being, anyway--*evil grin*).  ^_^  
K.Firefly, I hope you aren't too disappointed that Hakkai wasn't hurt and Goku didn't heal him per your suspicion of foreshadowing. ^_~ .  
Still think I'm twisted and cruel, Crimson?  
Katie, nice to see you back these last two chapters—I thought I'd lost you. I hope you feel that your patient waiting has paid off.

Welcome to "Awakenings" and thanks for your recent reviews, Beachan, Usagi 1313, ethereal-tenshi, "anybody home," and BlueJadeAL.

And to all of you who have stayed with this and brought me over the 100 reviews mark, THANK YOU!—especially to Me-Nuriko, Naye, Bakasaru Boi, Mabaroshi, Fogwolf, and Gallatica, who have faithfully given me reactions to nearly every chapter—but also to any of you who have taken time to leave a comment or two or three or four. Your reactions, responses, and critiques are much appreciated! I hope you will find Part III as enjoyable as you have Parts I and II.


	12. Part III: First Kiss: Sanzo

**Part III**

**First Kiss: Sanzo**

_Chapter 1_

"**Y**ou're sure you're okay, Sanzo?"

The monk was cleaning his pistol; he leveled it at Goku. "Ask me again, bakazaru, and I'll shoot."

Goku bit his tongue and continued slicing the vegetables they had bought early that afternoon, clearly unhappy that Sanzo wouldn't allow him to see if he had re-injured himself again. When he finished with the gun, Sanzo picked up the day's paper, but was distracted from the news by Goku's irritated clattering of objects as he prepared dinner. The monk folded the paper in half and slapped it onto the table. "Enough! I said I'm fine."

"And you wouldn't tell me if you weren't. You never do until you drop."

Sanzo growled, picked up the paper again. "Since when do you cook, anyway?"

"Since Hakkai and Gojyo have other things to do."

"Those fools," Sanzo muttered to himself. Aloud he asked, "So Hakkai's been teaching you this, too?"

"Somebody's gotta do it when he's busy or hurt. I'd rather learn than eat the kappa's messes."

The simple meal prepared, Goku crossed the hall to Gojyo's and Hakkai's room, hesitated before knocking. He tried not to listen to whatever argument might be ongoing, keenly aware of Gojyo's anguished outburst, which he had tried not to overhear earlier. He rocked from one foot to the other, hands in his jeans pockets. Hearing silence, he finally worked up the courage to knock lightly.

"A minute." Hakkai's voice was just above a whisper. A few seconds later, the healer cracked the door, then opened it a little wider.

"I have dinner ready if you and Gojyo are hungry."

Hakkai smiled warmly. "Thank you, Goku. I'll be over shortly. I'm not sure about Gojyo."

"Hakkai?" Goku's golden eyes questioned the older man.

"We're fine, Goku. We've worked it out. He just needed a little more time than you to forgive me."

Goku nodded, his concern eased by Hakkai's tranquil tone. "Sanzo's waiting for us to eat."

"We're coming," the healer assured him, closing the door. Hakkai sat on the edge of the bed beside Gojyo, still asleep, and brushed a stray lock of hair out of his eyes, his hand lingering for a moment. Gojyo sighed, but didn't wake. Hakkai left him, latching the door softly.

"Gojyo's sleeping," he told the others. "I decided not to wake him. I don't think he slept more than an hour or two last night. His head is still aching, and he strained his arm this afternoon. I thought it best to let him rest while he can." He took a seat at the table. "I'll fix a plate and bring it to him when we're finished."

Hakkai volunteered little conversation while they ate, but the absence of the tension that had characterized his behavior for the last several days was apparent to both Goku and Sanzo.

"He'll be up to traveling tomorrow, I hope?" asked Sanzo after a few minutes of silence.

"I think so. And you?"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Another one… Yes. I'm fine," he declared.

They took a few minutes to review the map, then decided to continue as they had discussed the previous evening, the next town of consequence on the forest outskirts little more than half a day's drive further. The decision made, Hakkai helped Goku clean up, then excused himself and returned to his room with Gojyo's dinner. 

Sanzo was restless, alternately reading the paper, playing solitaire, and brooding by the window, drumming his fingers on the sill. Goku joined him after a time, at first just sitting quietly, then asking him about the day's news. He was sure Sanzo was craving a smoke, and determined to take his mind off of it. He asked questions about the news stories until Sanzo lost patience.

"Here." He tossed the younger man the paper. "Read it yourself, baka." Goku fell into silence as he looked over a couple articles, then he retired to the bed on the far side of the room and attempted to study for a while, fighting the exhaustion and headache from the day's exertions and the ongoing sleep deprivation of the last week and a half.

Sanzo had picked up a book of his own, but found his attention repeatedly wandering to Goku. Goku cooking? Healing? Discussing the news? From behind his book Sanzo observed the lanky figure sprawled on his side studying, one arm supporting his head, his face lined with concentration. Goku studying? Focused?… _Quiet_?!

Sanzo considered Hakkai's admonition to open his eyes and see that Goku was no longer the kid he had brought down from the mountain. He looked for the bundle of chatter and hyperactivity that had filled his days for years in the lean young man across the room, all muscle and sinew under his tan, burnished gold against his white tank top. For a few moments he succumbed to a vague sense of loss for the monkey boy, this displaced almost immediately by a stronger sense of curiosity about this semi-stranger who seemed to have taken his place virtually overnight. Sanzo closed his eyes and his mind against an even more powerful sensation that came with the curiosity, a wave of warmth and magnet-like attraction that suffused his body, although he refused to accept it.

Unaware of Sanzo's attention, Goku turned a page, yawned, and stretched, his brow creasing as he struggled to stay awake. His head nodded over his book, and his supporting arm collapsed under his head, as he lost the struggle.

When Goku was snoring soundly, Sanzo rose and removed the book to the night table, then threw a blanket over him. "Baka," he muttered as he reached to turn off the light.

* * *

Agitated as he was, it took hours for Sanzo to finally succumb to sleep himself. He awakened the next morning craving a cigarette and annoyed that he had overslept. "Dammit," he swore as he rose to the sun already above the trees. Hakkai and Goku had seen to it that his cigarettes were not among the groceries they had bought, and he realized he had not seen his lighter since he had regained consciousness.

Goku curled into a ball and protested when Sanzo attempted to push him out of bed.

"Move it, bakazaru. We should have been on the road two hours ago." He was even more irritated with Goku than warranted, blaming him for his inability to fall asleep.

Goku pulled the pillow over his head. "I'm tired. Why can't we sleep today?"

Sanzo, already out the door and into the hallway, didn't answer him, instead banging on the door across the way. "Hakkai, why the hell didn't you get us up?" he snarled as he barged into the room before either of the men inside responded.

He pulled himself up short when he walked in on Gojyo and Hakkai sharing one bed, Hakkai's arm thrown over Gojyo, both struggling awake at Sanzo's shouting.

"It's customary to knock, asshole," said Gojyo, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"So I guess you've solved your differences, idiots," observed Sanzo, meeting their eyes and swallowing any surprise he may have felt. It wasn't as if they hadn't all shared beds occasionally when there weren't enough available. "We agreed to leave at first light," he said to Hakkai.

Hakkai rose, drawing his shirt on over his jeans. "You suggested we do so, " he said unperturbed. "But it looks as though even your body deemed a decent night's sleep a priority. You're in a hurry to get where, Sanzo?" He padded over to his backpack, withdrew a packet of tea.

Sanzo glared. "I suppose you don't think we've lost enough time already this week?"

"We have. And as I've argued before, we'll lose more if we run into trouble before we're all recovered to handle it. A good night's sleep, for a change, was well earned, don't you agree?" He flashed one of his more persuasive smiles.

Still sitting on the bed, Gojyo turned aside to hide his snicker, admiring Hakkai's smooth handling of the monk.

Sanzo stalked back to the other room, failing to close the doors. Hakkai and Gojyo heard Goku protest when the monk tried again to push him out of bed. "You've made him mad," said Gojyo. "He'll take it out on the monkey."

Hakkai handed Gojyo his shirt. "Less angry than he was already, I think. And I'm not so sure Goku will get the worst of it if Sanzo becomes unreasonable with him."

"I didn't imagine Goku fighting back when I was half out the other night, then?" Gojyo put his shirt on, then reached for his cigarettes in the backpack near his feet.

Hakkai's lips curved into a satisfied smile. "No, it wasn't your imagination." His eyes followed Gojyo's search for the cigarette pack, then met the redhead's eyes evenly, saying nothing.

"Damn, but you're a controlling bastard," Gojyo said, pocketing the cigarettes without withdrawing one.

"I'll join you outside after we've had breakfast," Hakkai relented.

* * *

Sanzo sat in Jeep's front seat scowling as Hakkai and Gojyo approached, his annoyance at the late start compounded as he watched Gojyo pause to enjoy one last drag on his cigarette. "About time," he said as they took their usual places in the jeep. 

"So give a man some room," Gojyo said, pushing Goku toward his usual corner with his booted foot as he climbed into the back seat. 

"You've got plenty of space, stupid kappa." Goku kicked him back, but yielded a few inches, and Gojyo didn't argue for more. Goku had been relieved to see Gojyo as relaxed with Hakkai over breakfast as the latter had seemed at dinner, and Gojyo's easiness as he settled into the seat behind Hakkai assured him that the two had indeed resolved their difficulties with each other. "Good, " he thought, "because Sanzo's in a bad enough mood for all of us today."

Goku noted the tautness in the white-robed shoulders in front of him. Sanzo had refused any more pain medication last night and this morning, but he was still moving stiffly and he hadn't asked for his cigarettes yet, clear indications to Goku that he was still sore and in enough pain from the lung injury not to jeopardize his recovery. Hakkai had shown him how to massage tension from his shoulders the other day before meditating to find his ki, and he wondered if he kneaded the muscles of Sanzo's shoulders and neck whether he might be able to help him relax and hurt less. He sighed, frustrated, knowing that Sanzo would reject any such physical contact, even if Goku could get him to listen long enough to explain his intentions. He glanced first to Hakkai, then to Gojyo, and found himself wishing again for the same easy companionship with Sanzo that they seemed to have re-established with each other.

Instead, his interactions with the monk became increasingly strained. Sanzo had no patience for Goku's and Gojyo's usual arguments about the cramped space in the back seat, and he responded curtly enough to shut Goku up every time the boy attempted any kind of reasonable conversation.

Goku grew steadily more jittery all afternoon, plagued by a growing sense of generalized frustration with Sanzo and unable to shake the sense that trouble was nearby.

"What is it, Goku?" Hakkai asked, sensitive to the increased tension in the young man's demeanor.

"Not sure," said Goku, struggling to contain his growing resentment at Sanzo's treatment. "I feel like we're being watched. Or followed. I had the same feeling while we were out the other night, just before Gojyo and Sanzo were attacked."

"We've suspected our movements were being watched at least since we left Yanane's village last week," Hakkai answered. 

"Kougaiji's people?" Gojyo wondered aloud.

"Or whoever they're working with," mused Hakkai. "They're clearly more determined to get the sutra. And more determined than ever to stop us. It's certain our progress is not going to get any easier." He frowned, glancing at Sanzo, as aware as Goku of the monk's continued vulnerability. 

Goku's fears notwithstanding, they had a respite from further fighting; but all four were highly vigilant and increasingly anxious until they arrived at the next inn early in the evening. They shared a meal in the tavern's common rooms and took a single room for the night, agreeing to take turns standing watch.

Sanzo's already troubled sleep was interrupted twice during the night by Goku's restlessness on the pallet on the floor beside him and by his fretful cries from the nightmares that crept into his dreams. "Wake up, Goku," he had said rather sharply the first time, reaching down to shake him awake. "You're dreaming, bakazaru. Shut up and stop disturbing us."

Goku bolted awake, his eyes darting around the room, then relaxed when he recognized his surroundings and found the others nearby. "Sorry." He shook off Sanzo's hand, buried himself back under the blanket, and struggled to fall back to sleep.

They were all startled awake by Goku's forlorn cry the second time. "Sanzo-o-o." This time he did not awaken immediately to Sanzo's touch, but sat up, curled into a crouch, and whimpered like a trapped and frightened animal. 

Sanzo knew, as he had the night in the village nearly two weeks ago, that Goku was reliving the real nightmare of his centuries of isolated captivity and his early terror that Sanzo would abandon him again to that lonely existence. The monk slipped to the floor, wondering why Goku was being plagued now by this old nightmare. He grasped the young man's shoulders firmly. "Goku. Wake up. You're with me. You will never go back there." His voice was soothing, his words almost a mantra. Years ago, he would have gathered the small boy into his lap and held him until he felt secure. It surprised him that he yearned to do that again now; but in the presence of the others, Sanzo resisted even putting an arm around the gangly youth. "Goku, wake up," he repeated, shaking his shoulders.

As Sanzo's voice reached him in the prison of his nightmare, Goku calmed but didn't fully awaken. He shook Sanzo off and curled into a ball, pulling the blanket tightly around himself, shivering.

Sanzo sat on the bed for a few minutes, watching Goku until he relaxed into more natural sleep. His brow furrowed with concern about why Goku's fears should resurface now, and he struggled internally with a sense of rejection, which he couldn't quite identify as such, at Goku's pushing him away rather than seeking comfort from him. His vague feeling of loneliness eventually gave way to the disconcerting confusion that had marked his reactions to the young man's behavior repeatedly over the last few days. He couldn't shake the desire to hold Goku in his arms, yet he flushed with embarrassment when he thought of himself doing that, dimly recognizing, at some subconscious level, that he craved reassurance that Goku was staying as much as Goku himself did.

"Fuck," he said, pacing across the room to the window, overwhelmed by the desire to have a cigarette in hand and a good smoke to clear his mind. "Have any cigarettes on you?" he asked Gojyo, who was on watch by the window. 

"Not that I'm about to share with you," Gojyo whispered back.  "Hakkai's probably no more asleep than you or I, and he and Goku would have my hide."

"Screw them," said Sanzo. He sat heavily in the chair opposite the half-youkai. "You might as well get some more sleep and let me take over here, because there's no way I'm going to sleep again anytime soon."

"You got too little rest already tonight, Sanzo, and you already took the first watch. I'll stay up 'til Hakkai's ready to take over."

Sanzo insisted. "No sense in all of us losing sleep. I've been in bed enough this week to last me months. Go."

Gojyo shrugged and left the window, wavered for a moment between the bed Sanzo had vacated and Hakkai's bed on the other side of the room. When he opted for the empty bed, Sanzo snickered. "Idiot. No need to make that choice on my account."

"Mind your own business, asshole."

* * * 

Gojyo woke in the morning to the semi-conscious awareness of Hakkai sitting beside him watching him sleep. He opened his eyes, stretched, and smiled back at the monocled green eyes that met his. He reached up and put his arm around Hakkai's neck, pulling him into a slow, deliberate kiss. "Good morning… Do you have any idea how long I've dreamed of starting my day like this?"

"Some." Hakkai lingered for a moment, enjoying the weight of Gojyo's arm resting on his shoulders. "Don't get carried away."

"Where are the others?"

"Breakfast. Sanzo's restless. I'm expecting them back up shortly. And he won't want to wait long for us."

Gojyo frowned. Hakkai leaned over and deposited another brief kiss on his lips, then backed off. "Get up." He tossed Gojyo's shirt to him. 

The sound of Goku and Sanzo arguing preceded their entry into the room a few minutes later. "Sanzo, you still can't even take the stairs this fast without getting winded. Your stupid cigarettes sure as hell aren't gonna help that situation."

Sanzo rounded on Goku as he slammed the door open. "I don't remember asking for your opinion, bakazaru. And certainly not for your caretaking."

"Ah, but Sanzo, the surgeon and I both asked him to look out for you," said Hakkai. "Someone has to keep your best interests in mind if you can't be depended on to do so. Are you ready to go?" He smoothly changed the subject.

"I was ready an hour ago. Are you?"

"Just about. We've got a longer drive today. And if we're heading back into the forest tomorrow, we'll have to get supplies." His expression darkened at the thought of re-entering the sparsely inhabited, deeply forested hills.

"Yes. And cigarettes," Sanzo ground out through clenched teeth. "And where's my lighter?"

Hakkai reached into his pack for the lighter, and tossed it to Sanzo. "Cigarettes still aren't on my shopping list, Sanzo. We didn't follow you this far to watch you kill yourself with tobacco. About time you find yourself another nervous habit. What do you say, Goku? Do you think chocolate might sweeten his mood? Candied ginger perhaps? Or shall we find a grandmother to teach him knitting to keep his hands busy?"

"I could use a scarf and hat for the cold weather," Gojyo quipped.

The words weren't all the way out of his mouth before Sanzo descended on him, harisen in hand. Gojyo crossed his arms over his head, protecting himself from the beating. "Hey, enough already! Just because the monkey won't let you hit him anymore doesn't mean you can turn on me!"

"You asked for it," Goku remarked. 

Sanzo spun around and threw the fan at Goku. But the wiry fighter was ready for it. He caught it smoothly, drew himself up, and bowed to Sanzo, extending the fan to him. "I believe this belongs to you, Sanzo-sama." When he straightened, he looked Sanzo squarely in the eyes, challenging him.

Sanzo held his gaze for a moment, trying to hang onto his anger, but instead wondering when Goku had gotten tall enough to meet his eyes—or was it something else about him besides height that allowed him to project that illusion? Sanzo slid the harisen back into the sleeve of his robe and turned on his heel. "Let's go, idiots."

Behind his back, Gojyo gave Goku a thumbs up and grinned at him. Hakkai covered an amused smirk with his hand.

* * *

The three found Sanzo less amusing as the day's long drive wore on. They were all plagued by the sense that they were being watched, although even when they stopped twice, prepared to fight, they never caught sight of who or what tracked them. Their nervous tension made them edgy and short-tempered with each other. As his annoyance increased and the lingering pain in his chest and ribs decreased, Sanzo's craving for a smoke mounted until his hands twitched and his mood deteriorated into a sullen brood punctuated by occasional impatient outbursts at the others to shut up or die.

Thinking that Sanzo's temper might be pacified with a little time alone, Hakkai suggested that Goku join himself and Gojyo in their room for a while after dinner. Goku hesitated, but Hakkai assured him that with the door ajar between the adjacent rooms, Sanzo would be in no danger by himself for a while.

When he tired of hearing their conversation about ki and anatomy, Gojyo tossed a deck of cards onto the table between Hakkai and Goku. "That's it. As long as you're learning all this biology crap, monkey boy, it's time you learned a few other important skills." He pulled a chair up to the table, pushed Hakkai's diagrams and notes aside, and began dealing cards.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow.

"What?" asked Gojyo. "You don't agree that gambling is a necessary survival skill? I don't suppose you'd let me take him out to a brothel for a more satisfying lesson."

Goku protested. Hakkai assumed a pout as he picked up his cards. "I thought you'd sworn off women."

"Yes, but if you can sacrifice your time to teach this idiot how to mess with my body, I'd make the necessary sacrifice to insure his education is well rounded." He flashed a smile at his partner, and Goku couldn't miss the easy affection that passed between them. He glanced toward the other room, wishing Sanzo were with them.

When Goku won their fifth hand, after Hakkai had demonstrated his usual luck and skill winning the first four, Gojyo threw his cards down. "And now you cheat not just to win yourself, but to help the damn monkey beat me!"

Hakkai looked wounded. "You question my integrity? I'm afraid he won fair and square, Gojyo." Goku grinned.

"Yeah, sure," said Gojyo, pushing his chair back. "Beginner's luck, then."

Hakkai stood over him. "Are you going to sit here and be a sore loser when your student excels at your game? Ungracious teacher."

Gojyo's skin prickled, and he flushed with the heat of Hakkai's closeness. "Yeah. And what are you gonna do about it?" The back of his hand brushed Hakkai's thigh as he passed.

"Certainly not reward you for bad behavior," said Hakkai, pausing just long enough for his eyes to connect with Gojyo's and for Gojyo to sense the corresponding heat. "Goku, do you want a snack before you go to bed?" Hakkai asked as he reached into the bag of groceries they had purchased that afternoon.

"Nah," said Goku, catching the hungry look in Gojyo's eyes as they followed Hakkai across the room and suddenly feeling unwelcome in spite of Hakkai's invitation. "We had plenty to eat while we were playing. I think I'll turn in… Thanks for the lesson, cockroach. You, too, Hakkai." He closed the door between the two rooms, at once satisfied by the warm feeling between the two men and frustrated by his own sense of isolation.

The room was dark, Sanzo sitting by the window so still he seemed a statue, marble below, with the top of his white robes rolled down below his waist, porcelain above where his black leather turtleneck conformed to his upper body. His blond locks caught the light of the few stars winking between thickening clouds. Goku felt the same warm flush rise in himself that he had seen take Gojyo a few minutes before. Then the statue's hand rose from his lap to his mouth, the orange glow of a lit cigarette trailing between the fingers, followed by the silent intake of breath and slow exhalation of smoke. 

Goku's heat flamed into anger, and he crossed the room in barely three strides. "Goddamn you, Sanzo!" He snatched the cigarette out of the monk's hand.

Sanzo stood, violet eyes flashing. "You are not my keeper, bakazaru." He reached for his pack of cigarettes on the window sill.

Goku stepped closer, making a grab for the pack, but caught Sanzo by the wrist instead. "Maybe not. But I am your friend, and I'm not gonna stand by and watch you kill yourself."

Sanzo glared at him, the two so close that the air between seemed to vibrate with the angry tension in their bodies. "Let… go," Sanzo said, his whisper deadly. He tried to step back, but was trapped between Goku and the chair and table. He instead drew himself to his full height and stared down at Goku, his breath hot in the young man's face, his muscles so taut that his tension seemed to cross the charged atmosphere into Goku's rigid frame.

Goku's grip tightened, his gold eyes flame as he met Sanzo's glare. For a moment Sanzo felt burned from the inside out and had to fight the urge to back off and drop into the chair, defeated. He felt his anger melt and flow into a liquid heat that was anything but anger, and a corner of his mind recognized that the discomfort he had been feeling with Goku these last few days rose from his attraction to this new spirited challenger. But as fast as he recognized the sensation, a new rage emerged at himself for falling prey to such feelings. He held his breath and held his stance, no hint of his internal struggle betrayed to Goku.

In the face of Sanzo's fury, Goku faltered and fell back a step, his own anger diluted by the sense of dizziness and confusion that overtook him during the moment that they had seemed connected.

Sanzo sneered at Goku's retreat. He twisted his wrist free, withdrew a cigarette from the pack, lit it, and took a long drag, blowing the smoke into Goku's face, still only inches away.

Goku began to quiver, partly in anger, partly with the struggle to stem the tide of all the other feelings washing over him. He willed himself still, wanting to slap Sanzo, but at the same time overwhelmed by the desire to crush him in a hug and kiss him as he had kissed Yanane. He felt the stirring in his groin that had become too common an occurrence lately, and he turned crimson under his tan, panic and embarrassment displacing his anger.

"Fine, you asshole. See if I care anymore!" He spun away from Sanzo and stormed out of the room, down the stairs, and into the street, the night air cool on his hot skin.

Sanzo dropped into the chair, turning his feelings over in his mind, his cigarette in hand, ignored. He started and scattered ash on the floor when the lit end reached his fingers, burning him into awareness. Crushing the stub in the ashtray, he rose to close the door, then lit another cigarette, watched it burn for a moment without smoking it, then crushed that one as well. "Fucking monkey." He sat in the dark wondering how long it would be before Goku returned, then worrying about his having gone out alone. 

No more than ten minutes had passed when he heard Goku's cry deep in the recesses of his mind where the boy's voice had always reached him, no matter the distance between them. "Sanzo-o-o—" 

Then silence.

The monk froze, the pain in his chest vivid again as his breath stopped. He scrambled from his seat, grabbing his pistol and shrugging his arms and shoulders into his robe as he threw himself at the door between the two rooms. "Hakkai! Gojyo!"

His alarmed call had the two men leaping out of bed by the time he entered the room. Gojyo reached for his shakujou and thrust past him into the empty room. He spun around again toward Sanzo, his expression questioning, when the expected attackers were not there to assail him.

Sanzo looked from Gojyo to Hakkai. "It's Goku. We argued. He went out to cool off." He didn't have to tell them that he was certain something had happened. It was written on his face.

"And you let him go alone?" Gojyo's tone dripped with accusation, but Hakkai's look stopped him from saying more.

Sanzo's eyes flashed. "I'm not his keeper." But his anxiety showed in the grim set of his mouth.

"Let's go," said Hakkai. Sanzo followed him out the door, Gojyo close on his heels.

*** TBC ***

Iapetus, I'm sorry you had so much trouble reviewing this story. A belated welcome, and thank you very much for your very positive comments. Welcome also—and thanks for your recent reviews—NemKess, Mei Yanohi, Shourin, Saiyuki_Critic, Saiyuki G.H.S.G, dko, and Acern. If anyone else posted a review in the last week, while ff.net was having problems—and you don't see your review up—please take another minute to let me know your thoughts.

I'm glad so many of you found such satisfaction & happiness in the ending to Part II. I really appreciate all the positive response—and I get a charge out of all of you who are blatantly waiting for similar 39 happiness! Blades of Ice, I hope you will find enough action in Part III to satisfy your craving, even if it's not the monk who gets abused this time around.

Sorry for the longer-than-usual wait for this part; my beta reader/editor was really busy last week with her own stories and interviewing for a new job, and I didn't want to post without her excellent copyediting. And by the time I got this back from her, ff.net wasn't cooperating! I hope to get the next chapter up fast. Thanks again for all your reviews!    — Stitcher2ficcer


	13. Part III: 2

**Part III**

_Chapter 2_

Goku was nauseous when he came to on the ground, hands and feet bound, the darkness around him deep enough that he could barely make out a few silhouettes—wavering double images—standing over him. He vaguely recalled one of the voices as being the same he had heard when he realized he was surrounded a few blocks from the inn. He remembered calling forth Nyoibou and shouting for Sanzo, then blackness. He couldn't remember what had happened after that, but the jarring pain in his head and the haze clouding his vision made it pretty clear.

He tried to turn his head to get a better look at the blurry images above him, and bit back a cry as the back of his head connected with a stone, sending a stab of pain through his skull so sharp that his vision blackened again and his stomach roiled. He gritted his teeth and drew a deep breath, swallowing the sour bile threatening to choke him, and tried to quell his rising panic. When the nausea passed, he lay still on his side, testing his bonds. His wrists chafed in the tight ropes, but with all the strength he could summon, he could feel no give. He struggled to break free, was overcome again by the nausea, and couldn't stifle the next choking cough when he tried to swallow back the rising contents of his stomach.

"Hey, looks like he's coming to."

Goku felt rough hands behind him, checking the knots in the ropes that bound his hands, while a shadow further darkened his vision and a booted foot kicked him in the stomach. He doubled over, unable to swallow the vomit this time, and nearly lost consciousness again. He couldn't open his eyes, and points of stabbing light pierced his internal vision; but the sound of voices came to him, muffled, as though from far away.

"Don't worry. He won't be able to break those bonds. I don't know what gods Gyokumen and Nii have on their side, but those ropes are enchanted. Even this youkai can't escape them. Be careful of that crown, though. Don't want to let him lose that. You remember what Doku said when he brought Kougaiji back."

"Take care not to damage him any more, either. Better if he's alert and relatively unharmed when the rest of them get here. He's our bargaining chip, remember. You can do what you want with him after we've got what we came for."

Goku tried to make sense of the jumble of words; knew, somehow, that his being here would put Sanzo in danger. _Sanzo_. Sanzo would kill him for going off alone. He tried to remember what had made him angry enough to walk out; couldn't recall the anger, only the tightness in his chest and the fire in his veins when Sanzo stood over him. His chest tightened again now. He was sure Sanzo would come for him, had to warn him away. 

* * *

Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo had been searching for Goku for a quarter hour, the direction he had gone unclear, when Hakuryuu reappeared and changed to his jeep form. The dragon had flown ahead, circling the area, and had brought back a piece of Goku's shirt, torn and bloody. He signaled them with flashing lights to get in so he could take them to the narrow street at the edge of town, where Goku had been assaulted. 

During that time Sanzo had heard no further call from Goku, had no sense of whether he was dead or alive. The signs of the scuffle were clear, and the number of footprints in the dirt trail that led from the end of the street toward the forest told them that even Goku would have been overwhelmed, especially if he had not had warning. As if that were not enough to raise their anxiety, they found Nyoibou abandoned at the fight scene. None of them could recall Goku ever having lost his weapon in a battle.

Sanzo's expression was dark, his mouth a thin, tight line.

"I think he's alive, Sanzo," said Hakkai, "else why would they have taken him? They were clearly waiting for him—or any one of us—to come out alone where they could grab him. This is certainly a trap, their intention for us to follow."

"Fucking monkey," said Gojyo. "Hasn't let me so much as smoke a cigarette by myself for over a week, and then he goes off by himself in the dark. Asshole." He paused, his fear for Goku clear under the surface of his anger. "And you, stupid monk, what the hell did you do now to drive him off?" 

Sanzo was silent, the line of his mouth so taut it almost disappeared. He looked into the blackness of the forest into which the path led, then turned his narrow gaze on Hakkai. The healer met his glance squarely, his expression equally grim, then nodded his head as though agreeing with what he read in the monk's eyes. Without explanation, Sanzo turned back toward the town and stalked in the direction of the inn.

"Hey! Where the hell are you going? What about Goku? What the hell—"

Hakkai put a hand on Gojyo's arm to still his protests. "He's right, Gojyo. They're waiting for us, and we're only three." He glanced to Gojyo's still-bandaged arm. "And not yet whole. If Goku can be helped, it won't be by our walking into a trap unprepared."

"But… what do you mean _'if?'_ I'm not letting those bastards get away with this! If you and Sanzo aren't going after him, I am." Gojyo pulled his arm away from Hakkai and turned toward the forest.

"Gojyo." The redhead had only to meet Hakkai's eyes to know that he couldn't go alone. "We _will_ get him back."

Gojyo reluctantly followed Hakkai after Sanzo's retreating back.

* * *

"As fast as you can, Hakuryuu. And try not to be seen," Hakkai told the dragon as he released him into the moonless night outside their window. On returning to their room, he had asked the small creature to do what they could not have done unobserved: follow Goku's attackers and find out what they were up against.

Five minutes passed.

Sanzo paced the width of the room repeatedly, the knuckles of his fist white as he clenched the crude note that had been slipped under their door while they were out. "We want the monk, with the sutra. Alone. At the abandoned mill. The youkai lives. But not for long." 

The innkeeper had told them that what remained of the old grist mill was only a mile away, less than a quarter of a mile into the forest that had encroached on it over the years. A dangerous place, he had said, haunted by spirits and with its old stone walls crumbling and caving in on themselves.

Ten minutes.

"I'm going," the monk told the others. 

"Wait for Hakuryuu, Sanzo. We'll at least get some idea of their numbers and the best way to approach."

They had already discussed their slim chances of getting the element of surprise on their side. While Sanzo paced, Hakkai and Gojyo changed into their darkest clothing and blackened their faces. Hakkai helped Gojyo hide his hair under a black bandanna, then convinced Sanzo to shed his white robes and camouflage himself similarly.

Fifteen minutes.

Sanzo lit a cigarette, crushed it almost immediately, unsmoked, with the recollection of the anger and frustration in Goku's eyes during their stand-off. Seconds later he lit another, and this time took a single drag. He absently rubbed his wrist, still sore from the pressure of Goku's grasp, and felt again his pulse throbbing against Goku's palm, Goku's heat melting his rage. He crushed the second cigarette under his sandal.

The monk reached the window for at least the sixteenth time in his trek back and forth across the room. He stopped there and willed himself still, listening again for Goku. He could sense the boy again in his mind now—not calling, but pushing him away as he had during his nightmares. _Don't, Sanzo. Don't come._ Hakkai would not have been able to stop him from going this time if Hakuryuu had not returned.

"Goku?" Hakkai asked the dragon.

Hakuryuu dropped his head and blinked his eyes.

"Alive?" asked Hakkai.

Hakuryuu nodded.

"Hurt?"

Another nod, and a forlorn mew.

Sanzo stiffened, his fists clenched.

"Are they in the old mill, Hakuryuu?"

The small creature first nodded affirmatively, then tilted his head to one side.

"Are they not all together? Are some standing guard outside?"

Hakuryuu left the brunette's hand and flew in a tight circle around the center of the room, then flapped in place, looking to his master for understanding.

"The mill?" asked Hakkai.

The dragon nodded, then traced a larger circle around the room, pausing three or four times to flap in place.

"They have guards stationed at points around the mill?" Hakkai asked.

Hakuryuu nodded, then flew straight across the room in the orientation of the path into the woods, pausing once to flap in place.

"And some waiting on the path?"

The dragon nodded again.

"How many, Hakuryuu, all together?

 The small dragon squawked fearfully.

"Many?" asked Hakkai. "More than twenty?"

Hakuryuu nodded, his eyes wide.

"Thirty?"

Another nod, eyes wider still.

"Forty?"

The dragon tilted his head and mewed, then alighted on the healer's shoulder.

"Not quite that many, then," Hakkai interpreted. Hakuryuu rubbed his head against the man's cheek. Feeling the small creature's shudder of fear and worry, the healer took the dragon onto his arm, stroking his back and head with his free hand to calm him. "It's to our advantage that they've divided their forces," he said to the others.

Sanzo nodded agreement. "If we can take out the guard groups without giving away our presence…" He looked to Hakkai and to Gojyo in turn. "It means not using my pistol until we're there."

They nodded, knowing the task of eliminating the youkai they encountered on the way would fall primarily to them. 

"At least we have the cover of darkness tonight," Gojyo observed. They were all glad for the clouds and lack of moonlight.

Hakkai continued petting the dragon, nestling now in the crook of his arm, against his abdomen. "Thank you for your help, Hakuryuu. One more question. Can you lead us to the mill by another way besides the path?"

The dragon nodded his head once, deeply, and mewed his assurance.

Hakkai looked to Sanzo. "You're sure about this?"

"I see no other way."

The three men climbed the stairs to the attic, and then to the inn's roof. The innkeeper had told them they could find a way into the side alley from the building three doors down, accessible across the roofs, away from prying eyes. Hakuryuu followed them out of  town through shadowed alleys, then led them into the forest some distance from the path that led to the clearing.

* * *

Goku was fighting not to lose consciousness again when two large youkai came to haul him to his feet. Ignoring the pain in his head, he rolled to his back as the two demons approached, and drew his legs up against his stomach. He thrust his feet as hard as he could into the groin of the first creature that got close enough, then kicked him again in the head and shoulders as he doubled over, knocking him out.

As the other youkai raised his hand to strike Goku into submission, the fighter rolled out of his reach and onto his knees, his arms still tied behind his back. He shook the dizzy blur from his vision and growled in defiance as the youkai struck again. But before he felt the blow, his breath was crushed out of him and he was knocked onto his face by a hard kick in his back. 

Goku refused to give in to the blackness that threatened to close in on him again, and he fought hard as the youkai dragged him to his feet. It took four demons to subdue him, and more than one of them bore the marks of his teeth on their arms by the time they reached their leader, inside the roofless ruins of the mill.

"Quite a feisty little bastard, aren't you? I understand you've taken quite a handy number of us out in recent fights. Now I see why the monk keeps a runt like you with him." This youkai was smaller than the others, dark and slender, with fine features, but a voice cold and hard. 

"What do you want us to do with him, Flame?"

"Make him comfortable there." He gestured to several thick iron rings mounted in the crumbling mortar in a nearby wall.

Not wanting to free his hands, Goku's captors first tied one of his wrists to one ring with another length of the charmed rope. When they undid the rope tying his hands together, he managed to strike two of the youkai unconscious with his free fist before they managed to bind his other wrist to the next ring. Hanging from the two widespread rings, he could barely put his feet on the ground; his back and shoulders ached with the strain of his weight pulling him downward. Before the last of the four youkai let go of him, he gathered his strength to pull his feet up, and kicked hard again, his heels slamming into the head of one creature, smashing his face. 

"Enough!" barked the leader. He flung his hand across Goku's face with the same steel strength that Goku had heard in his voice. The youth's head struck the stone wall, and his body went slack as he dropped again into blackness.

* * *

From their perch above the ruined walls, Goku's three companions could not see him strung from the wall immediately under them, but the conversation they overheard and the focus of the guards opposite them told them where he was. This had been the back wall of the mill. It served as a retaining wall as well, the mill having been built into the side of a hill where the ground and the adjacent stream suddenly dropped off, creating the waterfall that had powered the mill's large water wheel. In the gloomy darkness, the heavy growth of trees and brush atop the hill backing the wall hid the silent Sanzo-ikkou from the assailants below. 

The three fighters estimated the number of assassins they still had to face, thankful for the ease with which they had been able to remove the six who had guarded the track that led here, plus two pair that had blocked their way to this vantage point. Few more than two dozen were here, if Hakuryuu's estimate was correct. But the viciousness of the leader's voice warned them not to be overconfident.

They signaled their intentions to each other, then Sanzo withdrew from the hillside and made his way soundlessly to an opening in the mill's side wall, pressing himself against the outer wall beside the opening, his gun in hand and cocked. Hakkai and Gojyo took places near either end of the retaining wall above, the healer already focusing his energy in his palms, the half-youkai poised to swing his shakujou. The light from the three torches the youkai had used to illuminate their hideout was dim, but cast enough of a glow that Sanzo could see Hakkai's nod of readiness as he burst through the narrow entryway. The monk smashed the head of the guard there as he entered, then leveled his pistol at the youkai he knew to be their leader.

When Goku came to again, it was to the sounds of commotion and yelling and to a sense that Sanzo was very near. He took a deep breath and forced himself into alertness, willing the blackness out of his vision and trying to comprehend what was happening. It wasn't until he turned his head to search for the monk's white robes and blond head that he felt the nick of a spear point in the depression at the base of his throat, and the prick of a sword tip in his side.

"I wouldn't shoot if this monkey's life matters to you." The youkai leader stared fearlessly into the barrel of Sanzo's pistol, his voice like ice. He shook his head slightly in warning to his gang to hold back their attack, suspecting that the monk had not come alone.

Sanzo's eyes narrowed to match his adversary's, and he increased the pressure on the pistol's trigger. 

"Perhaps a demonstration is needed," the youkai said evenly. When he nodded slightly to the demons holding Goku hostage, the spear point drew blood as it pressed a hair deeper into Goku's throat. The tip of the sword cut a line diagonally from Goku's shoulder, across his bare chest, to the opposite side of his stomach, leaving a trail of blood. Goku flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his teeth to avoid crying out, when the tip of the sword just punctured his side.

"I see you've left your priestly accoutrements behind, Genjo Sanzo," the head youkai crooned. "Undoubtedly you believe that helped you get past my guards unscathed. It wasn't necessary, I assure you. I hadn't intended for you to be hurt before you arrived with the sutra. I will get so much more pleasure from encouraging you to give it to me of your own free will. You _did_ bring the sutra with you, did you not?"

With Sanzo's gun closely trained on him, he slowly but confidently moved closer to Goku. "Ah, but this young hero has been wounded. Perhaps we should cauterize his injury." He raised his hand to Goku's chest, an orange glow growing under his fingers, as Hakkai's ki glowed green. He passed the burning glow over Goku's slashed skin, and the youth did cry out this time as his flesh burned along the cut, blistering and scorching. The tip of the sword gouged more deeply into his side as he writhed from the pain.

Flame stepped back from Goku and smiled. "The sutra, Genjo Sanzo?" At his brief nod, a dozen youkai stationed around the inside walls began to close in toward Sanzo.

"You'll not have the sutra before you free him," said Sanzo, equally fearless. _Forgive me, Goku,_ he thought, his expression hard as he waited for the right moment. He willed Hakkai and Gojyo to wait for his signal so they would have the best chance of catching the mob off guard.

"Ah-h. But will you give it to me then? I think not. Perhaps a more convincing demonstration is needed." The glow in the youkai's hand burst into a small flame, which he held beneath the tail of Goku's open shirt until the fabric caught fire. A slow flame crept toward Goku's upper body.

A round of satisfied sighs and evil chuckles rose from the enclave of youkai.

*** TBC ***

First off, thanks and welcome to new readers/reviewers as of last chapter: Siki, Kittyvet, Keistje, Nozomi Anshin, and Merf. Keistje, I'm glad you feel that if Goku can take it, you can, because I'm afraid I am doing a job on him right now. (Sorry, Goku.)

K.Firefly: Was not trying to mislead you. _First Kiss: Sanzo_ is the title of Part III, not just chapter 1 of III…. Patience. It took eight chapters for Gojyo to get his kiss! 'Twon't be quite so many for the monk. But you didn't expect me to get to it _that_ quickly, did you? And I'm not saying who will be doing the kissing, of course.  ^_~ 

Bakasaru Boi, Mabaroshi, Me-Nuriko, Gallatica, and Nozomi Anshin, I'm glad you liked the Sanzo/Goku argument and Sanzo's internal battle—it's one of my favorite parts, and one of the scenes I was sure I wanted to write into this story right from the start (although my original conception of it changed some along the way and _far more_ than I had originally intended happened in between).

I'm glad so many of you continue to enjoy the maturing Goku—Kazuya Minekura herself really got that process going in the manga Kami-Sama arc. I've tried hard to keep him in character while continuing to grow him up here. I'm glad some of you, at least, think I'm succeeding in that. Continued comments—as well as critiques—are always welcome. Thanks!   — Stitcher2ficcer


	14. Part III: 3

**Part III**

_Chapter 3_

One hand still steady on the gun, Sanzo unbuttoned his shirt with the other, revealing the sutra under it, starkly white against his black leather undershirt. He placed his hand on it as though to pull it from his shoulders.

Flame took a step toward Sanzo. "Will you reconsider so easily?" he leered. "I had hoped to play with you longer. I think these traitorous youkai friends of yours have weakened you, Sanzo…sama."

"No, Sanzo," Goku called, his hoarse cry rising into a wail as his shirt burned up to the bare flesh of his side and back.

Flame took another step toward Sanzo, his hand outstretched, greed in his eyes.

The other assassins looked on, mesmerized. 

And Sanzo fired, the blast of the gun echoing twice in rapid succession. Flame threw himself to the ground, thinking to avoid the expected shots, while he screamed to his assistants to finish off Goku. 

But the two youkai who had held spear and sword to Goku's body had been blasted by Hakkai's ki in the same second that Sanzo had fired the gun. And the four who ran in to take their place hesitated just long enough for Gojyo's shakujou to cut through them, drawing stunned screams as their necks or chests were sliced by the curving blade.

Goku fell to the ground, Sanzo's two shots having exploded the crumbling stone and mortar around each of the rings to which he was bound. Stunned by the unexpected fall, he had yet to move when Hakkai dropped from the wall to his side and rolled him in the dirt to extinguish the flames consuming his shirt.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo yelled. The healer turned barely in time to throw off a demon crashing into him, breaking the creature's back. Then he smashed his fist fatally into the face of a second one, close behind. The shakujou's chain swirled in the air in front of him as it caught the pair that followed, giving him time to charge his ki and blast two more who were heading toward Goku.

By the time Sanzo had fired his second shot, Flame had rolled to his feet and realized that the monk had not been aiming for him at all. His burning ki already charged, but not spent, he held his palm toward Sanzo and released an angry ball of flame that expanded and burned hotter as it hurtled toward its target. 

Sanzo threw himself backward through the opening in the wall through which he had come, colliding with two of the youkai who had been on guard and were just then arriving to join the melee. The first of the two tripped over Sanzo, falling through the opening, into the flaming ki blast. As the second raised his scythe to strike the man at his feet, Sanzo fired the pistol, exploding the creature's head.

The body burning in the narrow entryway bought Sanzo a few moments' time, and he used it to climb the hill to the top of the wall before any more youkai came in pursuit.

Flame turned his wrath on Goku and Hakkai. Goku struggled to stay conscious and fumbled to free his feet from the tightly coiled and knotted ropes, his hands still bound to the rings, with chunks of stone and mortar attached. Hakkai and Gojyo covered him, smashing one oncoming youkai after another.

"Hakkai! Get Flame!" Gojyo yelled as the fire youkai turned from Sanzo. He swung the shakujou again and again into the demons swooping onto the pair below to give Hakkai time to recharge his ki. 

As the two ki fighters faced off, Sanzo knelt on the ground above them, head bowed, intoning the mantra that would call the power of the sutra to quell the remaining assassins.

Flame released his scorching blast a split second before Hakkai had fully charged. But as the ball of flame rolled the short distance toward himself and Goku, the green glow from Hakkai's hands expanded into a curved shield of energy. As the yellow-orange orb connected with the shield, the flames burst apart, some extinguished as they hit the nearby wall and the ground, some flying upward toward Sanzo, and some reflected back, their heat doubled, to the monster who had generated them.

Hakkai was forced backward, his face and clothing scorched by the intense heat that transferred to the shield as he struggled to hold it until the flames dispersed. He dropped to his knees, panting, as he expended his ki, barely aware of the coils of Sanzo's sutra spiraling around Flame and the remaining half dozen youkai, crushing life from them.

Gojyo jumped down from the wall as the last of the flames burned out and Sanzo's prayer called the long spirals of the sutra back to him. "Hakkai." 

The healer lifted his head with effort. "See to Goku," he whispered to Gojyo. Then he dragged his arm across his singed forehead and allowed himself to rest, sitting against the wall.

When Sanzo joined them a minute later, his hair and clothing also singed and blood-spattered, Gojyo was working the ropes and heavy iron rings free from Goku's hands. Sanzo slipped his arm under Goku's shoulders and shifted him into his lap.

Goku's eyes fluttered open, but weren't able to focus. His parched whisper was barely audible. "I'm sorry, Sanzo."

Sanzo brushed scorched hair out of his eyes. "Baka," he responded softly as Goku slid back into a coma.

* * *

Hakkai withdrew his hand from Goku's side and clenched his fists on the edge of the bed, dropping his head between them in an effort to stop himself from passing out. By the time Gojyo and Sanzo had dragged themselves and their partners out of the forest and driven back to the inn in Jeep, night was already giving way to a gray dawn. Barely able to stand, Hakkai had insisted on using what little ki he had remaining to mend what he could of Goku's burned flesh.

"Enough," Gojyo told him now. He pulled the exhausted man to his feet and half-carried him across the room to the other bed. Hakkai sank into the pillows and closed his eyes, too drained to argue or even move. Gojyo removed his partner's scorched shirt, wrung out the cloth in the basin of water Sanzo had put on the night table, and began to wash the soot from Hakkai's face, neck, and hands so he could see how badly he had been burned.

Sanzo rolled up his sleeves and was doing the same for Goku, when the innkeeper came in with the physician they had asked him to bring. Quickly surmising the situation, the doctor turned his attention to Goku, taking over Sanzo's ministrations and occasionally barking a gruff order to him to replenish the water or help him turn Goku over. His deft hands were as gentle and quick as his manner was brusque. 

When the doctor finally finished examining and cleaning Goku's burns and bruises, and had bandaged his head and torso, he stood and washed his hands. "This is your healer, Genjo Sanzo?" he asked as he approached the other bed and began to examine Hakkai.

"Yes," Sanzo and Gojyo answered together.

"He has saved your friend Goku from considerable pain by repairing the most badly burned skin. The boy is still in some danger, however. He will need to be watched closely. If he becomes feverish or does not regain consciousness within the next twenty-four hours, please send for me again. See to it that he has plenty to drink as he has become dehydrated. He will have quite a bad headache when he awakens, and he may be dizzy and disoriented for some days. I will give you pills for the pain, but you shouldn't give them to him until he regains consciousness. The burns are not healed so well that he won't feel their fire. You may bathe them with cool water or put cool compresses on them to relieve that pain."

While he instructed them about Goku, he bandaged the worst of the singed skin on Hakkai's hands and face, and applied a soothing salve to some angry red patches. "Fortunately your healer's burns are less serious—most are not much worse than a moderate sunburn. They will sting when he's not so exhausted that he can't feel them. He should take care not to so badly deplete himself." 

"Tell me about it," muttered Gojyo, frowning.

"He should give himself time to recuperate fully before he draws so much on his ki again… And you, Sanzo-sama? If I may…" Sanzo had slumped into the easy chair beside Goku's bed, and the doctor approached him, stethoscope in hand. "You also have some small burns on your face. But it concerns me more that you are so pale and your breathing is shallow. You, too, seem quite exhausted. You're sure you aren't more seriously hurt than you've indicated?"

"I'm fine," said the monk, resisting examination.

"Only just recovering from a broken rib and a collapsed lung," said Gojyo, looking pointedly at Sanzo. "Oh yeah, and let's not forget being torn to pieces by a half dozen youkai. It wouldn't hurt to let him make sure your lung's not crushed again, idiot monk." 

Sanzo threw a withering look at Gojyo, but allowed the doctor to take his pulse and listen to his breathing. "You must still feel considerable discomfort, Sanzo. Your lung does seem to be restored, but it is not yet strong. And the rib is still quite tender. You, too, must give yourself time to rest."

"Just dandy. Looks like I get to play nursemaid," Gojyo grumbled. "Be nice if I wasn't the only one to come through these things unscathed."

Sanzo scowled at him. "That splinted arm meets your definition of unscathed, does it, kappa? And don't I recall tending your bedside a few days ago while you couldn't see straight?"

Gojyo looked at his arm as though he had totally forgotten it had been broken only a few days before. "Yeah, well, it didn't stop me from carrying Goku up here for you, did it? At least I'm among the walking," he sniped.

Sanzo rose and saw the doctor to the door. "Thank you for your assistance," he told the man. He returned to Goku and lifted his shoulders, dribbling some water into his mouth and encouraging him to swallow. Then he sprawled in the easy chair, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes, prepared for a long day's vigil.

Gojyo dragged a second large chair in from the adjacent room and grabbed the blankets and pillows from the beds there. He tossed one of each to Sanzo, then used the others to make himself comfortable in the chair beside Hakkai's bed, orienting himself so he could keep an eye on all three of his patients.

Sanzo dozed restlessly through the morning, waking every fifteen or twenty minutes to check on Goku. He made several attempts to get a few more sips of water into him. Toward noon, the younger man's sleep became restless, his brow clouded with pain. Sanzo roused himself and refilled the basin with cool water, then took the bandages off Goku's side, chest, abdomen, and arm, and replaced them with cool wet cloths. He changed the compresses repeatedly as they warmed, until Goku quieted and seemed to feel relief, then he re-covered the fiery red skin with clean, loose bandages.

He stood for a few minutes over the youth, tracing his singed eyebrows with his thumb and fingering the singed hair falling unevenly over his brow. "Stupid baka," he muttered, recalling Goku's anger and confusion as he stormed out of the room last night. For at least the tenth time that morning, he found himself reliving their argument, trying to be angry at Goku for stupidly running off.

But as it had each time today, his anger melted at the sight of the youth's injuries. He was left instead with the sense of defeat that had momentarily overwhelmed him when Goku had confronted him, the youth's heat and desire having crossed the charged space between them and stirred undeniably similar feelings in himself. Even now he felt that heat, felt as though he had been burned as badly by Goku last night as Goku had by Flame. Analytical as he was, he examined the sensation, turned it over in his mind, studied where it had come from. Each time it came back to him today, he felt a little less angry at himself for feeling as he had, a little more angry that he had rejected the feeling so forcefully last night that he had driven Goku away.

"A little scary to see the monkey down, isn't it?"

Sanzo started at Gojyo's unexpected voice so close beside him, but he rapidly masked his surprise. "Enjoy the peace and quiet while we've got it. It's not likely to last long.

"Oh come on, high and mighty Sanzo, don't tell me you're not just a little concerned."

"Ch'."

"Yeah, right. Sanzo of no feelings. None that you care to let show, anyway." 

Sanzo changed the subject. "So how's your charge?" he asked, looking past Gojyo to Hakkai.

"Dead to the world," Gojyo told him. "If I get my way he'll sleep straight through 'til tomorrow morning… And so should you. I don't think you've dozed for more than fifteen minutes all morning."

"And you have?" 

"Yeah, actually. Once, at least. And I'm not the one running around with broken ribs. You look like hell. I think Hakkai bought some bread and cheese yesterday. I'll get something out for lunch. Then why don't you let me keep an eye on the monkey while you clean up and get some sleep."

Sanzo picked at the fruit and cheese that Gojyo put out, and absently gnawed on a small chunk of bread, but he found himself thinking that a cigarette would be more satisfying. He shook the thought off and poured himself a third cup of coffee instead. 

Gojyo put his hand on Sanzo's wrist to stop him. "Hey, easy on the coffee, Sanzo. You wanna get some sleep."

"No," Sanzo argued. "_You_want me to get some sleep."

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Have it your way, stubborn ass."

After lunch, Sanzo took time to wash up and change into a clean shirt and jeans, but he refused to follow Gojyo's suggestion that he close himself into the other room and sleep. Instead he tried again to encourage Goku to drink a little, then he returned to his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and waited for the young man to stir again.

Not realizing he had fallen asleep, Sanzo woke at dusk, disoriented, to the sound of Goku crying out and thrashing. Gojyo was already beside the youth, pinning his shoulders down so he wouldn't hurt himself, and calling him out of his nightmare. "Goku, it's okay, it's over." His efforts to calm the youth were rewarded by Goku fighting him off, kicking him in the belly with a knee.

Sanzo took Gojyo's place, leaning in close, pressing one arm across Goku's chest and shoulders to pin him down and using his other hand to stroke his head and hair. His voice was firm but soothing. "Snap out of it, Saru. It's okay. You're here with us. It's over. It's okay, Goku. It's over." Goku slowly calmed to the rhythm of Sanzo's voice, but not before he had hit the monk in the ribs with a flailing arm, momentarily knocking his breath out of him.

Sanzo winced as he stood up, his ribs sore. "Damn."

"I'll second that," said Gojyo.

"How is he?" Hakkai slipped in between the other two men, checked Goku's forehead for fever, adjusted a bandage or two that had come free, then plumped the pillows and settled him back into them. "Goku," he called softly. "Goku, can you hear me? I want you to wake up and take a drink of water."

The youth's eyes blinked, then squeezed shut, his brow furrowing. 

"Goku?" Hakkai held the cup in front of him, placing the straw between his lips. "Goku, I want you to drink something for me. Can you do that?" He slipped one arm behind the younger man's shoulders and lifted him to a partially sitting position, holding the cup with his other hand. 

Goku dragged his eyelids open and tried to focus; closed them again against the dizziness. "Hakkai?"

"I'm here. Can you drink something for me?"

Goku shook his head slightly, resisting. "Sanzo?" His eyes were open again, darting around the room, pupils dilated.

Hakkai  handed the cup to Sanzo, and the monk slipped into his place. "I'm here." Goku relaxed into his arm. "I want you to drink something.

Goku obediently sipped through the straw, thirsty for more once he had tasted the cool water. Sanzo settled him back into the pillows after he had quenched his thirst, then leaned over him, one hand on each side of his shoulders. "Are you with us, Goku?"

The youth tried unsuccessfully to focus on Sanzo's face, closed his eyes again, and nodded once. "Head hurts… Everything hurts."

Hakkai handed Sanzo two pills from the bottle the doctor had left. Sanzo supported Goku's shoulders again. "Here, take these. They should help."  He placed the pills on the younger man's tongue and gave him another drink. By the time Sanzo had made him comfortable again, he was drifting back into light sleep, his brow clouded and breath catching as he felt his injuries. 

At Hakkai's request, Gojyo refilled the basin with cool water, and Sanzo began to put cool compresses on the angriest of Goku's burns as he had earlier that afternoon. Hakkai picked a cloth out of the basin and wrung most of the water out of it. "Why don't you let me do this? Gojyo said you've hardly slept today."

Sanzo took the cloth from him. "I'm fine. I'll do it. You should still be sleeping."

"I had a good rest. I'm hungrier than I am tired right now."

"Then you and Gojyo eat. I'm not hungry." Hakkai reluctantly left Sanzo to his task.

"The innkeeper was up earlier this afternoon to ask if we wanted him to send dinner up this evening," Gojyo told him. "We should be getting a couple of trays soon. So you don't have to do anything. Sit."

When Hakkai began to protest, Gojyo loomed over him and stoppered his mouth with a firm kiss, pushing him backward into the chair he had vacated earlier. "I'm not taking any argument," he continued. "You should still be sleeping, and I'm not letting you lift a finger to do anything more than you already have." Hakkai dropped into the chair, and Gojyo trapped him there with one hand on each of its arms. He leaned in close, nose to nose with his lover. "Rest. Got it?"

Hakkai simply nodded, rested enough already to be thoroughly undone by Gojyo's nearness, the warmth of Gojyo's breath on his face, Gojyo's scent in his nostrils, and the tender force in his manner.

* * * 

Dawn found Sanzo exhausted from another night without sleep. He leaned against the window frame, gazing into the gray drizzle, his eyes unseeing. His mind's eye scrolled through memory after memory of Goku and himself during the years since he had retrieved him from the mountain. In nearly all of his mental pictures, he viewed himself as Goku's mentor, Goku's teacher. Goku was the noisy charge, the irritating child, the eager but unfocused student. He didn't think of himself as feeling affection for the boy so much as responsibility: he had brought him out of captivity, it was his duty to care for him, to teach him what he should know, to prepare him for… what? To take his own place someday, as he had taken Koumyou Sanzo's? To follow Gojyo and Hakkai into the world, a free and independent person? To travel West with him to save Tougenkyou?…And what then? 

He turned and watched the young man sleeping, relieved to see the lines of pain diminished, his face more relaxed. He traced his profile and the contours of his cheek and jaw with his eyes, followed the firm lines of muscle under the burn-reddened skin in his arms and torso. He cringed at the fiery redness, recalling Goku's muscles rippling under his gold-brown tan as he yawned and stretched like a cat while studying a few nights ago. Today Sanzo didn't flinch at the wave of warmth that memory pulled out of him, but closed his eyes and allowed it to wash over him, felt its pull on him, and considered whether he would give in to it.

When, he wondered, had he started feeling more than commitment to his responsibility? When had he begun to take pleasure in Goku's achievements? When had be begun to enjoy the enthusiasm—and even the noise—and miss it when it was absent? Genjo Sanzo, who had prided himself for a decade on not being attached… When had he begun to care how Goku felt about him, to depend on the boy thinking of him as his sun? When had he begun to take Goku's presence in his life so for granted that he could not conceive of life without him? And when had the growing affection begun to transform into something more, something much less innocent?

He turned back to the window, his mind lingering on more recent images: Goku charging into their room with the Mahjong game days after their defeat by Kami-sama, insisting that they play, and doggedly forcing them to see that they had lost sight of what their strength was. Goku side-by-side with him in fight after fight, covering him while he loaded his pistol, buying time for him when he needed to use his sutra. Goku by Hakkai's side tending Gojyo's wounds, setting up camp… cooking, even. Goku's wide smile at the pleasure of learning something new. His spontaneous laughter at Gojyo's raw jokes. His studious concentration while pouring over Hakkai's books. His insistence that Sanzo was his friend and he would not stand by and watch him kill himself… _any more than Gojyo would stand by and let Hakkai kill himself,_ thought Sanzo. 

And with that brief reflection he felt the certainty that Goku had become for him what Gojyo was for Hakkai. He knew he had only to accept it to share with Goku what Hakkai now shared with Gojyo.

But to accept it meant also to return it. And Sanzo wasn't sure he was yet ready to go that far.

He closed his eyes and pressed his hand to his temple, then drew it back through his hair. His head hurt. He needed sleep. He needed some privacy. He needed a goddamn smoke.

He checked one more time on Goku, then lay down on his back on the other bed, his arm flung over his face. Sleep continued to elude him.

*** TBC ***

Welcome to "Awakenings," SuGaR aNiMe FrEaK… What do you mean you didn't like the cliffhanger in the last chapter? And you either, Merf? But cliffhangers are so much FUN!! There won't be too many more, though. Only two more chapters, Everyone, to the conclusion of this angsty relationship saga.

I'm glad you're enjoying this enough to already be re-reading parts, Keistje. I'm happy that you continue to like the characterizations, Naye—and yes, I think Goku would continue to fight back fiercely until there truly was nothing left in him. Me-Nuriko, you are as evil as I for so truly enjoying the "lowest form of 'convincing' there is." ^_^ 

Fogwolf, I'm glad you enjoyed Hakuryuu "helping" the Ikkou. I like thinking of him as a member of the Sanzo team, and I particularly enjoyed writing that part. K.Firefly and Bakasaru Boi , I hope this chapter leaves you less distraught over my treatment of Goku.

Iapetus, both Xparrot and Me-Nuriko have talked with me recently about the idea that these stories don't just evolve from the original ideas; but sometimes the characters actually take over and dictate where they want to go!—as I'm sure you and others have found, as well.  Regarding the end of Part III being 93 vs. 39?… stay tuned.  ^_~                       — Stitcher2ficcer


	15. Part III: 4

**Part III**

_Chapter 4_

By that evening, Goku had slept enough that he had begun to feel more himself. He was as impatient with the stinging of his burns as he was hurt by them. His vision was clear, but his head still hurt, and he was still dizzy when he tried to walk. Hakkai had insisted he stay in bed to eat. But eat he did. Heartily. The healer smiled, amazed that even Goku's appetite would recover so swiftly following such a serious concussion.

"Geez, monkey boy, there's none left for me now," Gojyo complained to him as he good-naturedly piled a third serving of beef and noodles into Goku's bowl. "Let alone Sanzo."

Goku paused, chopsticks full of noodles halfway to his mouth. His expression darkened. "Sanzo hasn't eaten?" He dropped the noodles back into his bowl. "I'd better save some for him. Where is he anyway?" His voice got quiet and sulky. "He's avoiding me, isn't he? I knew he'd be mad."

Gojyo grunted. "I would have thought so. But I think even the unflappable Sanzo was a little shaken to see you beaten. He might get angry once you're well enough to fight back. But that's certainly not how he behaved yesterday and today."

"He's been resting in the other room today, Goku," Hakkai explained. "None of us slept the night before last, and he didn't sleep last night or yesterday."

The healer did not elaborate on the fact that Sanzo had not slept today either, but had alternately paced the room, read the paper, stared out the window, and moped in bed, unsleeping. Nor had he eaten more then a few bites. He had looked in on Goku only when he was certain the younger man was asleep. And he had become more drawn and pale, as well as more ornery, as the day progressed. When Hakkai brought dinner in to him, he had snapped at him to "just get out and stop being a nosy busybody" in response to the brunette asking what was on his mind.

"Don't worry about Sanzo," Hakkai told Goku. "Enjoy your noodles. We got them for you. I asked the innkeeper to prepare a separate tray for Sanzo, and I brought it in to him before we started eating."

Goku's face brightened as he dug back into his bowl. "Thanks. You ordered my favorite."

"I thought meat buns were your favorite," said Gojyo.

"Them too. And dumplings. And teriyaki—" 

"Never mind, we get the picture." Gojyo tousled Goku's hair, glad to see him recovering so quickly.

After dinner, Goku asked the other two men what had happened after he had disappeared the night before last, and he did his best to tell them what had happened to him. But he could recall very little of it, and he was unclear even on how he had gotten burned.

After a pause in his story, Gojyo asked him, "What happened between you and Sanzo, anyway, to make you stupid enough to go out by yourself?"

Goku's color rose enough to be noticeable even with his skin as red as it was, and he squirmed in place, looking away from the others. After a few awkward moments of silence, he finally told them, "He was smoking. I tried to make him stop."

"And?…" Gojyo was certain from his blush that there was more to it than that.

"And he wouldn't. He got really mad at me."

"So what else is new? He try to pull that stupid fan on you again?"

"No. But I took his cigarette away from him and tried to take the pack, too."

"Ah, standing up to him again. Bet he just loved that. So what did he do?"

Goku looked everywhere but at them. "Nothing really," he finally mumbled.

"Nothing. So for nothing, you found it necessary to take off and nearly get your dumb ass killed?"

"Well it wasn't really nothing," Goku tried to defend himself. "He was really angry. And… well… I… well…"

Knowing his younger partner's feelings for Sanzo, and having observed Sanzo closely for the last two days, Gojyo was able to make a pretty accurate guess about what had transpired. He had good reason to feel sympathetic toward Goku, having dealt himself with similar frustrations for the better part of the last few years. But he found himself taking perverse pleasure in Goku's discomfort. He had, after all, put them through hell two nights ago. "Yeah. You… what?… You find an angry monk a little overwhelming, monkey boy? Just a little too hot to handle, maybe?"

"Shut up, stupid kappa!" Goku's irritation with Gojyo finally overrode his embarrassment. He slid down into the bed, turned his back on the redhead, and pulled the blanket practically over his head. Gojyo knew he had hit the mark.

Goku wanted to be angry at the half-youkai. But his anger was more at himself for having let Sanzo get the better of him. And at Sanzo. And now Sanzo was so mad at him he wasn't even talking to him. Sharp, salty prickles stabbed his closed eyes. His head was throbbing more than ever. Half his body still felt like he was on fire. And he had no idea how he was going to set things right with Sanzo. He wished the monk would just come in here and hit him with the stupid harisen and get it over with.

Gojyo knew that he had gone too far. He reached out to put his hand on Goku's shoulder. "Hey, so he was being stupid. Don't let him get to you."

Goku shook off the comforting hand and hunched himself up, facing the wall. "You're the one who's stupid. Go away."

Gojyo backed off. "Just for the record," he said softly "I think he might be finding you a little too hot to handle right now, too, Goku."

* * *

Hakkai and Gojyo came in quietly, sometime later, from a short trip down to the inn's bar so the redhead could satisfy his craving for a smoke. The healer had given Goku a couple more pain pills and had added a little something to his tea to help him sleep before they had gone out. Now they found the boy snoring, the room dark, and Sanzo in the chair, close beside his bed. 

"Ah, so you've decided to come out from hiding," Gojyo remarked as Hakkai nodded to Sanzo and retired to the other room.

Sanzo didn't acknowledge him.

"I was wondering whether we might have to drag you out so we could get into our room tonight."

Still no response.

"It would have been nice if you'd joined us for dinner. He's still hurting pretty bad, and he thinks you're mad at him."

"And if I am, I have good reason to be."

"Maybe. But I don't think you are. So why act like it? Cripes, Sanzo, give the kid a break."

"Mind your business, kappa."

"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes. I watched you hover over him practically the whole time he was unconscious. You managed to be as gentle taking care of him as Hakkai. You're the only one who can soothe him through those nightmares he gets. I even caught you touching him with something that might have been affection a couple of times. Gods forbid, would it be so hard to show just a little of that when he's awake to see it?"

Gojyo was not surprised when Sanzo did not respond. In the shadows of the armchair, he could see the set of the monk's shoulders and jaw, and he knew further conversation would fall on deaf ears. He followed Hakkai into the other room, closing the door softly behind him.

"That man is even more stubborn about admitting his feelings than you are," he said to Hakkai as he stepped behind him and slipped his arms around his waist, nuzzling the back of his neck. "Won't even admit he has feelings." He planted a light kiss on the side of Hakkai's neck, in the curve where it met his shoulder. With the fingers of one hand he absently stroked Hakkai's abdomen.

Hakkai leaned into him, tilting his head back so his hair brushed Gojyo's face. Then he turned around in the other man's loose embrace and wrapped his arms around him. He kissed him lightly. "I don't think it's just a matter of stubbornness."

"No? What then?" Gojyo returned the kiss, dipping his tongue into Hakkai's mouth before he gave him a chance to respond. 

Hakkai shuddered slightly and laid his head on Gojyo's shoulder, tracing lazy circles on the half-youkai's back with his fingers. "I think he's not certain right now what his feelings are." He pressed closer to his partner as Gojyo kissed his hair and began to trace similar circles on his own back. "I think," he continued "that he's only recently begun to admit his feelings for any of us. And at the same time, his feelings for Goku are changing, and he doesn't quite know what to do with them."

"Hmm," sighed Gojyo. He kissed Hakkai more deeply and tightened his hold on him. "Perhaps we should give him lessons."

Hakkai pulled back a little, smiling into Gojyo's eyes. "He might be more in need of them than you realize."

"What do you mean?" Gojyo asked, arching back slightly to look into the brunette's eyes and bringing their hips and thighs into even closer contact.

"In the years we've known him, Gojyo, have you ever seen Sanzo with either a man or a woman?"

Gojyo held his position, but paused in his seduction to release a long low whistle as he absorbed Hakkai's meaning. "Goddamn. The monk might be as inexperienced as the monkey. I never gave it much thought. He indulges in just about every other sin. But no… You don't think he might have… you know… he's lived in monasteries all his life, after all."

"I don't think so. He's as much as told me that no one would have presumed while Koumyou was alive.  And he's spent the whole ten years since Koumyou's death building walls around himself to keep people out, wouldn't you say?"

Gojyo lowered his mouth to Hakkai's and kissed him long and hard, squeezing his arms still more tightly around him when he heard Hakkai's breath catch. "And you think perhaps Goku's breaking through the walls?"

"Mmm," Hakkai responded, becoming incoherent. He slid a hand into Gojyo's hair as he returned the kiss, their tongues entwining.

Gojyo pushed him a step backward, toward the bed. "Interesting. Maybe I should give Goku lessons then." His breath hitched and back arched as Hakkai raised a knee to his groin and pressed hard enough to send a message but not enough to hurt. "Laying Sanzo might be… just… the tool… he needs… to topple the—"

Any further thought was lost with his breath to Hakkai's silencing kiss and exploring hands. The redhead took another step toward the bed and pushed his lover onto it, sprawling on top of him, his return kiss relentless, until Hakkai saw stars from lack of air. Then Gojyo slowly stripped his own clothes off, and then Hakkai's, drawing yearning moans from him with the sure but gentle caress of his hands and mouth. His heart pounded with the sheer joy of making love to this beautiful man who it had taken him so long to win.

Hours later he was drawn from contented sleep back into blissful arousal by the touch of Hakkai's warm mouth and slender fingers as he returned the pleasures Gojyo had lavished on him earlier.

* * *

"Sanzo?"

Sitting in a straight chair beside the window, still unable to sleep, the monk stiffened at the sound of the soft call. He had not wanted Goku to find him awake. His clenched teeth broke the toothpick he had been chewing on. How many times now had he wished it was a cigarette? He continued staring out the window and pretended he hadn't heard Goku.

The younger man quietly slipped out of bed and padded toward the monk. He paused half way and reached for the back of the nearest chair to steady himself, dizziness still overcoming him when he tried to keep himself vertical. "Sanzo?" Another step or two, and he tripped, too dizzy to make it the rest of the way.

Sanzo hauled him back to his feet just as he hit the floor. "Baka," he scolded. "Hakkai told you to say in bed." He guided the youth back to his nest of blankets and pillows.

"Sorry," Goku murmured.

Sanzo sank into the chair beside him, his head on his hand, elbow propped on the chair's armrest.

When Sanzo didn't answer him, Goku continued. "I know you're mad at me—" 

"Don't presume to know how I'm feeling," the monk said irritably. Then more softly, "I'm not mad you…but it **was** stupid of you to have run off knowing what could have happened."

Goku hung his head. "I wasn't thinking."

"Obviously… Don't do it again."

"Mm-hmm," Goku mumbled.

They were both silent for a long time. "Sanzo, about that night… " Goku began. 

"What about it?" Sanzo's voice was hard.

"I… um… I… " Goku looked at his hands as he twisted them in his lap. "Never mind." After another long pause, he added, "I'm sorry I made you mad."

When Sanzo finally looked up, Goku was gazing at him, his gold eyes wide and imploring. So much of what he wanted to say was written on his face that even Sanzo couldn't misunderstand. The monk looked away almost immediately, acutely aware of how tight his chest had become. "Stop being sorry. It's over and done with. I don't want to talk about it."

Goku looked at his hands again, his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Okay," he whispered. He felt as though his chest would burst with everything he was holding inside, and he struggled against the impulse to stand up and shake Sanzo by the shoulders. Every fiber in him protested, _But it's not done with. I need to talk about it. I need you to listen to me, Sanzo. I need you to talk to me. I love you, you stupid monk. I want you. I want you to love me._

Sanzo had risen and was walking to the other bed, his back to Goku. He froze in his tracks, shoulders and back stiffening. He heard Goku's barely audible "okay," and he knew the boy was otherwise silent. Yet he heard in his mind, as clearly as though Goku had said it aloud, "I love you, you stupid monk. I want you. I want you to love me." He felt his body respond as it had the other night, flooding with Goku's unspoken desire. And a dam inside himself broke. He knew that if Goku confronted him as he had the other night, and said those words aloud, he wouldn't be able to deny him. 

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed those sensations out of his mind. He strode resolutely to the bed and lay down on his side, facing the wall. He pulled the blanket over himself, head and all, hiding from the golden eyes peering at him through the darkness. And he lay awake yet again, too tense for sleep to overtake him.

*** TBC ***

Thank you and welcome to new reviewers last round: Black Mirror, "person," Mage Raistlin, and Rinny 1. Welcome back, Ethereal-tenshi; I hope you weren't hospitalized for anything very serious, and regardless of what it was, I hope you are totally recovered. Thanks everyone else for your continued compliments and encouragement… although I think "goddess of the written word" might be just a wee bit of an exaggeration, Keistje!  ;-) 

I'm glad so many of you are enjoying how I've written the development of Sanzo's feelings and what's going on in his head. It is rather a challenge to make him "squishy" and loving and still keep him in character. I hope you will all enjoy how I tie things up in next—and last—chapter.                                                                                             — Stitcher2ficcer


	16. Part III: 5

**Part III**

_Chapter 5_

Hakkai was humming as he puttered about straightening up their rooms and pulling together a breakfast of muffins and fruit and cheese. He wished the room had a stove so he could make eggs and rice. He was in the mood for a large breakfast today, and he knew Gojyo would enjoy that too.

Sanzo pulled the blanket over his head and scowled. Hakkai's pleasant mood amplified his own bad temper inversely.

"How are you feeling this morning, Goku?" the healer asked the youth as he handed him a glass of juice and two more pain pills.

"I'm okay. I don't need those this morning," he said, refusing the pills.

"You're awfully quiet. Anything on your mind?"

Goku paused before responding, "Not really… I'm getting bored, I guess." But Hakkai didn't miss his eyes darting first to Sanzo, then back to his lap.

"Well it's a beautiful day," Hakkai told him. "And there's a lovely garden surrounding this inn. Gojyo and I plan to go out after breakfast. If you're not dizzy and you're feeling up to it, you should join us. The fresh air will do you good. You too, Sanzo. I think we've all been cooped up in here long enough."

Sanzo grunted.

"Breakfast is on the table. Are you up to joining us, Goku?"

The younger man tried his feet, and found that he was stable today, only a hint of dizziness if he moved too fast. He smiled at Hakkai. "Yeah, I seem to be okay. And I'm starving."

Gojyo came in from the other room at that point. "Shit, the monkey's back in business. Guess I better get in here and get my share before it disappears." He winked at Goku as he slid into his chair, and deliberately made a grab for the muffin for which the youth was reaching.

Goku slapped his hand away. "It's mine, stupid kappa, and you know it." He grinned back at  Gojyo, and the redhead let him have his way.

"Glad to see you're feeling better," he told him.

"Thanks."

"So what's on the agenda for today, Hakkai?" asked Gojyo

Sanzo joined them, dropping moodily into the fourth chair and pouring himself a cup of coffee. "If you're all so cheerful and ready for action, then it's about time we move on."

Hakkai's stare back at him was challenging. "No, it's not. Goku is not well yet. And you look like you're ready to collapse. We're not going anywhere until you get some decent sleep… And eat something today." The healer put a helping of everything on the table on a plate and put it in front of Sanzo.

The monk glared at him and growled, taking a sip of his coffee.

* * *

Hakkai had to argue with Sanzo to get him out of their rooms, and in the end Sanzo only gave into him because the healer had threatened to stay inside and badger him into talking about what was so occupying his mind that he hadn't slept for nearly a week. Above all, Sanzo did not want to discuss that.

Once in the gardens, Sanzo took a seat on a carved stone bench away from the others, beside a stream that flowed through the terraced gardens, dropping from one level to the next in small burbling waterfalls. He stretched his legs, leaned against the back of the warm stone seat, and closed his eyes, soaking in the sunshine and light fall breeze, and allowing his mind to go blank. He wouldn't have admitted it to Hakkai, but he felt more relaxed than he had in weeks, and he was grateful that the healer had forced him to come out.

It wasn't long before his peace was shattered by the irritating squabble between his other two companions. "Go away and get your own, cockroach. Hakkai got these for me. You've got your stupid cigarettes!" Goku pulled a small box of pocky out of the redhead's reach and stashed it behind his back. 

Gojyo responded by splashing a handful of water from the stream into the younger man's face. "Greedy monkey!"

Goku slipped, falling onto his butt. "No fair! You're taking advantage of the fact that I still can't run without getting dizzy!" He scrambled backwards, toward Sanzo, as Gojyo dipped both hands into the water, scooping up as large a handful as he could.

Goku ducked aside, and the water spattered Sanzo.

Before the youth was halfway to his feet, Sanzo was swatting him with his harisen. "Enough! Can I never have a moment of uninterrupted peace? Will the two of you never grow up?!"

Goku threw his arms over his head for protection as the fan came down on him a second time. He was torn between feelings of relief that Sanzo was, at last, behaving normally toward him, and indignation that he was getting hit by the man yet again. A third strike with the fan pushed him past the divided feelings. As the fan made contact with his head, he yanked it out of Sanzo's hand, simultaneously surging to his feet.

"Why are you hitting me? He's the one being a jerk! And he's the one who splashed you!" Before he could stop himself, Goku cracked the fan over Sanzo's head and shoulder. "I told you to stop hitting me with this stupid thing!"

All the stress of the last few days and all his pent up feelings poured into Goku's temper now, and he swatted the monk a second time. "That's for being so stupid!" And a third time. "And that's for all the times you've hit me!"

Sanzo was so stunned when Goku first hit him that he stood still for the second smack, dumbfounded. By the third swipe, his own temper returned. Goku never got a chance to strike a fourth time. Sanzo's fingers were digging into the youth's wrist as he held him off, their arms locked a little above their heads, the fan poised between them. Their eyes locked together, Sanzo glaring at the range of emotions passing rapidly over Goku's face.

Goku flushed, knowing he had gone too far and fearing Sanzo's reaction, but so frustrated that he was unable to back down, certain that he had lost Sanzo now, one way or the other. _I don't want it to be this way between us,_ his soul cried out. And every nerve in his body quivered with everything he did want their relationship to be. The same wave of hot desire that had overtaken him the other night flooded over him now, and his body was rigid with the same charged tension.

Sanzo read every emotion Goku felt in his wide eyes, and Goku's unspoken words last night echoed in his mind. Goku's rising heat burned into him just as it had three nights before. But this time he couldn't maintain his anger; he couldn't subdue the sense of defeat that he had successfully fought back the other night. He was the first to avert his eyes today. He released Goku's arm and dropped backward a step, glad for the support of the stone table behind him. He sagged onto the edge of the table.

Fighting both his exhaustion and the emotional overload, Sanzo drew his cigarette pack and lighter from his pocket, and fumbled to light a cigarette, his hands shaking.

Goku had dropped his arm and allowed the harisen to fall to the ground, but he had not taken his eyes off Sanzo's face. The moment he caught the flicker of the lighter flame in the corner of his eye, and the brief flash of the cigarette tip igniting, he lashed out, striking the cigarette from Sanzo's hand. "I don't care how much madder you get at me. I _won't_ let you smoke those damn things while your lung is still hurt!"

Sanzo closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, beyond reacting except to hang onto the last shreds of his composure.

Gojyo, who had watched the exchange, fascinated, from his vantage point by the nearby stream, sensed the monk's surrender. He quietly goaded Goku. "Goddamn, monkey boy, haven't you figured out yet some alternative to those stinking cigarettes to keep his hands and mouth busy?"

Goku, confused, risked a glance in Gojyo's direction. Gojyo briefly kissed his own fingertips, then waved his hand toward Sanzo. Goku hesitated, but he had trusted Gojyo before, and a smile and a brief nod from the older man were all he needed to act on the cravings that had besieged him for the last two weeks. A single step brought him in reach of Sanzo, and he leaned over him, planting his lips on the blond's, surprising him with a warm, wet kiss.

Sanzo was, at first, so shocked that he froze for a moment. Then he tried to pull away, simultaneously raising a hand to Goku's shoulder as though to push him back.

Without thought, Goku stepped closer and leaned in to follow Sanzo's backward motion. He instinctively put one hand on Sanzo's shoulder and the other on the back of his head, winding his fingers into Sanzo's hair and pulling him into the kiss. When he registered the weight of Sanzo's hand on his own shoulder, and realized that it was no longer pushing him off, his breath quickened. He pressed his mouth tighter to Sanzo's and traced the man's lips with his tongue.

Sanzo at first tensed with the same kind of confusion Goku had experienced when Yanane had kissed him; but the insistent heat radiating from the youth overcame him, and he settled onto the table's edge. His own breath quickened to match Goku's, and he felt his pulse increase and his heart beat harder. His arm slipped further around Goku's shoulder, pulling him closer, and his other hand—of its own free will, it seemed— snaked around Goku's waist. His lips parted slightly at the touch of Goku's tongue. When Goku reacted by nibbling his lip and thrusting his tongue deeper, he ventured to taste Goku in return, and he shivered in spite of the fire coursing through him.

Any semblance of anger that Sanzo still felt melted out of him along with any further resistance. With his mind no longer analyzing, and his conscious thought suspended, his heart and body took over, and he yielded to the feelings he had been suppressing. A fleeting memory of himself and his former master observing the birds drifted through his mind, and he heard Koumyou whispering in his thoughts: _Even though they can fly as they desire, if there isn't a place to land or a branch where they can rest their wings, they may even regret having wings to fly. The true freedom may mean having a place to return._ He at last knew that his true place was where his heart had come to rest, with this thoroughly perverse monkey boy. And he tightened his arms around him.

They were both so breathless when Goku finally released Sanzo from their kiss that neither could speak. Goku beamed at the man he loved, trailing his fingers through his hair, and Sanzo gave him one more brief squeeze before letting him go.

"So I guess you've solved your differences," Gojyo observed wryly, echoing Sanzo's casual remark when he had walked in on the half-youkai and Hakkai after their first night together. 

Sanzo looked up to see him grinning at them, but before Gojyo said even one more word, he found himself staring into the barrel of Sanzo's pistol. "Another word about this, kappa, and I'll fire." The monk's voice was deadly serious. He glanced to Hakkai, who was hovering just out of sight. "If you value his life, Hakkai, remove him." 

Hakkai wiped his own grin off his face, but couldn't suppress a chuckle as he beckoned to his partner. As they walked up the path toward the inn, they paused to exchange a brief kiss themselves, then each wrapped an arm around the other's waist as they continued to the far side of the garden.

Sometime later Goku and Sanzo joined their companions for lunch. Afterwards Hakkai insisted that they both get some rest if Sanzo wanted to get back on the road within the next few days. They started off napping in their own beds, and Sanzo, at last, fell into a deep and restful sleep. But when Hakkai looked in on them later that afternoon, Goku lay curled against Sanzo, spoon-fashion, in the older man's bed, with Sanzo's arm thrown over him, holding him close. Sanzo's head rested on Goku's shoulder, and their tousled hair fell over each of their peaceful faces.

Hakkai smiled contentedly and rejoined Gojyo.

* * *

They continued on their journey three days later, rested and relaxed, anticipating the next stage of their battle to save Tougenkyou. Outwardly things weren't all that different. Hakkai still drove Jeep most of the time and smiled enigmatically. Goku and Gojyo still found plenty to bicker about and still fought over meat buns and noodles at the dinner table. Sanzo still got crabby, smoked too much, and pulled his gun on them when he wanted peace and quiet.

But Hakkai's smiles almost always reached his eyes and were warm and frequent in Gojyo's presence. Gojyo road shotgun a lot more often without complaint from Sanzo. Sanzo's fan was rarely seen flying at Goku, and when he dozed off in Jeep, it was, more often than not, on Goku's shoulder. Goku was taller, helped Hakkai with some of the healing and cooking, and was, perhaps, a little bit quieter.

They all still traveled West.

*** Owari ***

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story at any stage, sung its praises, and otherwise shared your thoughts on it with me, especially a handful of you who have been with it from the start (or nearly so) and have taken time to comment repeatedly: Mabaroshi, Bakasaru Boi, Crimson, Gallatica, Fogwolf, Blades of Ice, K.Firefly, Maaya, Lacewing, Ethereal t, Kitiara, and Keistje; to Me-Nuriko for glowing praise and enthusiastic response to _every single chapter_; to Naye for the lengthiest remarks and most consistent praise I've ever seen on multi-chapter stories, as well as for much satisfying squeeing. To Koori No Kokoro, R.A.Ducko, and Yuki Kurai, thanks for making yourselves known last chapter.

To All: whether you reviewed once or repeatedly, you made writing this and posting it fun and worthwhile! I hope none of you were disappointed in the ending, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Lacewing: Interesting ideas you and your friends are posing about our favorite monk. I don't see telepathy as one of his abilities generally; but I do think he and Goku likely have a telepathic connection born of their close relationship and former life together. I am fascinated by Goku's potential powers: as a child of the earth and of the ages, I think he probably has untapped abilities of all kinds that might develop as he matures and gets some training to harness them, starting with his heightened senses, ki, telepathy/empathy, (sexual prowess?!)… I barely touched on them in this story; great fodder for more fics, all you Saiyuki writers out there! Kudos to Kazuya Minekura for creating such wonderful, attractive characters and ideas for us to enjoy and explore to begin with.

And finally, VERY BIG THANK YOUS to Gnine, who was beta on this story and who helped me work out problems, plot (what little there actually is of it), and action from the day I conceived of it last November—and who, incidentally, is in large part responsible for how much longer and more complex it got than I originally intended! And to X-parrot—whose wonderful stories and excellent writing inspired me to write this in the first place—for her incomparable, detail-oriented copyediting of each chapter before I posted it. I love you two muchly!!  ^_^                                                                                                    — Stitcher2ficcer


End file.
